Mamas, stop judging fellow mums who don't breastfeed
It's really good to see increasing support for breastfeeding in Singapore and the world.
Elle Australia was lauded for helping to normalise breastfeeding when it featured supermodel Nicole Trunfio nursing her five-month-old son on the cover of its June subscriber issue.
Just this week, the Internet 'exploded' with support for a breastfeeding mum in the US, whose lengthy and passionate Facebook post against someone who had shamed her online, went viral. Conner Kendall, criticised for openly breastfeeding in a packed restaurant, said, “Let’s show everyone that we will not stand for being put down, shamed, and harassed for simply fulfilling our children’s most basic need.”
In Singapore, a 2011 Health Promotion Board's National Breastfeeding Survey showed that 99 per cent of 1,962 mothers interviewed had initiated breastfeeding. At two months, 80 per cent were still breastfeeding (28 per cent exclusively) and 42 per cent were still breastfeeding at 6 months (1 per cent exclusively). Events, such as Big Latch On, where women get together to nurse in a public space, further promote breastfeeding and help raise awareness of its benefits.
My question though, is this: Where is the support, or just basic understanding, for women who can't -- or choose not to -- breastfeed their baby? If you think a breastfeeding mum is judged and scrutinised ("How much milk are you producing now?"; "Why don't you head to the nursing room to feed your baby?"; "You should cover up your boobs in public!"), a non-breastfeeder possibly gets it worse.
The best part? Non-breastfeeding mothers are mostly judged by other women and mums.
FEMALE SCRUTINY
Take my personal examples:
With baby No. 1: I was shopping at a pharmacy with my 2-month-old in a baby carrier. A saleswoman who looked like she was in her 40s approached us. "Oh is your baby drinking breastmilk?" she asked. A first-time mother, I replied rather hesitantly that no, I was not breastfeeding. I started to explain why (I simply had no milk). She wouldn't hear it. "Rubbish! Every mother can make milk. Why do you choose not to give your son your milk?" she chided.
With baby No. 2: I was at a coffeeshop having a meal with my family and feeding milk to my then 3-month-old using a bottle. A female stranger, about 50 years old, came up to us. "Are you breastfeeding?" she asks. No, I replied, and braced myself. "Why? Do you not have milk or did you choose not to?" she demanded.
Mothers who cannot breastfeed could be on medication, producing little or no milk, dealing with serious pregnancy complications or simply have chosen to give formula milk. These women -- who are struggling to recover from childbirth; who are trying to cope with the absolutely life-changing presence of a baby; who are hoping to feel normal again soon -- are made to think they are inadequate or worse, irresponsible.
I don't think anyone would deny that "breast is best" but is it necessary to be so judgmental? It's tough enough being a mum. I had a hard time coming to terms with not breastfeeding my eldest son and thought then, in 2012, that society needed time to be more open -- and kinder. As a second-time mum, I'm more comfortable in my own skin and with my own choices but society, it seems, has not moved on.
My gynaecologist, a man, put a lot of women -- and mums -- to shame with his response to me not breastfeeding. At my check-up 10 days after the birth of No. 2, he asked me this question -- something that I didn't know I needed to hear so much: "So, you can't breastfeed again. How do you feel about that? Are you okay with it?"
He cared for, and supported me, as a mother -- not just a milk machine.
