And now, male readers, some advice on the ways of the heart. It has become painfully clear that many women like nothing better than a man with an astoundingly silly name.
Take Kate Winslet, for instance. She's beautiful, radiant and possesses such acting range that she can play both a drowning aristocrat and a paedophilic Nazi without troubling anybody's sense of disbelief. And yet, when it came to seeking out a romantic partner, she picked Ned Rocknroll – a man with a name so comprehensively awful that people have to say it with their hands in their pockets, lest they end up involuntarily punching someone in the face during the second syllable.
And now the Tatler-friendly marriage of Ben and Kate Goldsmith – the son of James Goldsmith and the daughter of Amschel Rothschild – has also disintegrated. This week, Ben was cautioned for assault after acting like a six-year-old boy and kicking a toy truck at his wife. The reason for this outburst, and the couple's impending divorce, is believed to be Kate's growing friendship with a rapper called Jay Electronica.
Of course, all break-ups are difficult, and this is no exception. The root of the split seems to be a slow, sad divergence of lifestyles – his venture capital firm means that he must keep basic working hours and she, as a result of her newfound interest in the music industry, is said to be becoming "increasingly nocturnal". There are children involved in the split, which is never funny. However, there is also a man called Jay Electronica involved, and that couldn't be any funnier if it drove around in a sputtering little clown car.
The moral of this story seems to be that, if you want to woo a woman above your station, you should name yourself after music. Ned Smith wouldn't get looked at twice, but Ned Rocknroll? That's sexy. And, while Timothy Thedford is the world's loneliest man, Jay Electronica is a rapper who is irresistible to socialites. You're going about this all wrong, boys. If you haven't got a name so humiliating that you can't say it out loud without blushing or urinating, you don't stand a chance. There's only one course of action, and I pray you take it.
Yours sincerely, Stu Smoothjazzfusion.
guardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media 2012