5 ways Jason Bourne would be caught within 5 minutes of coming to Singapore

You know how Jason Bourne always “disappears” in between movies, impervious to any sort of detection, only to pop up just in time for the next movie’s crisis? Well, that’s something that can only happen in the world of movies… or America.

If Jason Bourne were in Singapore, he’d be caught within 5 minutes of arriving. While yes, Mas Selamat did elude us for quite awhile back there, Jason Bourne’s a little different. He’s big and he’s Caucasian, and he sticks out like a sore thumb. Plus there’s surveillance equipment everywhere. So here’s 5 ways that Jason Bourne could be caught right after entering Singapore.

The bane of all drivers. (LTA)

1. Through Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries

Every car, nay, every vehicle nowadays is equipped with an in-vehicle unit so that your dollars can be sucked out every time you pass under an ERP gantry. But it’s not just a money-draining machine — the ERP is perfectly capable of tracking cars. Add to the fact that ERP gantries are now in the heartlands, and any vehicle that Jason Bourne hijacks will giveaway his locations faster than you can say cashcard.

When our giant ERP satellite system is up, Jason Bourne will be caught within 1 minute of entering Singapore.

ICA’s enhanced Immigration Automated Clearance System. (Home Team News)

2. enhanced-Immigration Automated Clearance System

So you know how those ICA automated systems makes our lives much easier when we’re entering/leaving Singapore? They’ll also be the reason that Jason Bourne is caught. I know, I know, you’re going to say that those gantries can be hacked, since that’s exactly what he did in the movie. But you’re forgetting that Singapore is going to block Internet access for public servants. That means no hacking.

Jason Bourne will be caught the minute he pulls that fake passport out.

Who’s watching? (Alibaba)

3. Closed-circuit television

CCTV cameras are everywhere now, thanks to the fact that they’re cheap and easy to install. Even libraries are installing CCTVs now, which is testament to their ubiquity. While the resolution might not be crystal clear, it’s hard to mask Jason Bourne’s size, since he’s easily twice the girth of the average Singaporean.

The security guards will red flag him once they spot him.

He’ll be really obvious. (United International Pictures)

4. By being a Caucasian

So after that whole Holland Village Standard Chartered bank robbery, Singapore are especially alert when it comes to spotting Caucasians. It also doesn’t help that they really are the minority in Singapore. It’s difficult to blend in when you’re Caucasian and everyone else is Chinese/Malay/Indian. Once news of Jason Bourne starts spreading, everyone will be on a look out for him.

Heck, he won’t even be able to go to a McDonald’s toilet without someone spotting him.

People will complain about anything, including parkour. (Superfly Monkey Dragons)

5. By performing all sorts of crazy stunts

If you’ve read forum letters in local newspapers lately, you’ll noticed that Singaporeans will complain about anything that’s the slightest bit dangerous, from sewing in MRT trains to phobias created by library fines. And Jason Bourne is the champion of  dangerous stunts — he’s got abilities surpassing those of normal men, which is why he’s so dangerous, right? He’ll inevitably leap off tall buildings and barrel roll through heavy traffic, some bored auntie will write a complain letter, and then Jason Bourne will get caught.

The guy already looks dangerous anyway, so someone will definitely complain about him at the airport.

So how would you catch Jason Bourne?

Marcus Goh is a Singapore television scriptwriter. He’s also a Transformers enthusiast and avid pop culture scholar. He Tweets/Instagrams at Optimarcus and writes at marcusgohmarcusgoh.com. The views expressed are his own.