What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
This was no ordinary international break: the dramatic dotting of the i’s and crossing of the t’s for World Cup 2018 made up for England’s enthusiasm-sapping pair of uncompetitive goalless draws. But we’re back to the delicious bread-and-butter chaos of the Premier League this weekend, and there’s no better place to resume it than with the North London derby.
Much like West Ham, Watford and Manchester United, this column’s predictions need to bounce back after a disappointing showing a fortnight ago. Only the tap-in of Bilic’s sacking was foreseen last time out – we go again…
Arsenal v Tottenham
Put your mortgage on…
Another busy weekend for the football dictionary:
Power shift
/ˈpaʊə ʃɪft/
noun
1. The dire short, medium and long-term implications for Arsenal after Tottenham reassert just how much more solid, efficient and emphatic they are, despite a net-spend over the last few years that is a fraction of Arsene Wenger’s.
The match, according to Championship Manager 93/94…
Retro indulgence
Instinct dictates that the only retro reference for Arsenal v Tottenham is Barry Davies wondering out loud if Paul Gascoigne is “going to have a crack” at Wembley in 1991…
…but, for some balance, here he is wearing an Arsenal shirt, which just looks very wrong indeed.
Paul Gascoigne and Paul Merson pose in Arsenal shirts before Merson's testimonial in May 1996. pic.twitter.com/AeIzRP3h7J
— 90s Football (@90sfootball) March 8, 2014
Bournemouth v Huddersfield
Put your mortgage on…
Early talk to start of David Wagner’s career trajectory. Watford’s Marco Silva has become the managerial merry-go-round’s most in-demand passenger, despite three defeats on the trot, as Everton continue their search for their Right Man. But he doesn’t have the monopoly on being young, meticulous and methodical and – most importantly of all – ambitious. The longer Wagner keeps Huddersfield in the top half, the louder the speculation could become.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
WAGNER GETS TUNE OUT OF TERRIERS AGAIN
Burnley v Swansea
Put your mortgage on…
The most quietly imposing technical areas in Premier League history. Neither Sean Dyche nor Paul Clement are inclined towards histrionics on the touchline, but both seem very aware of the deliberate body language that goes with being a top-flight manager. Whatever happens at Turf Moor, expect a seriously firm, by-the-book handshake before kick-off between DCI Dyche and his funeral director of an opposite number.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
INCLEMENT WEATHER AS SWANS FEEL THE BURN
Crystal Palace v Everton
Put your mortgage on…
A reminder that Christian Benteke still exists. At the start of next month, the Belgian will turn 27, the age by which elite strikers should already have put up or shut up. Roy Hodgson hinted that he will finally have a striker at his disposal after weeks of persevering with the Andros Townsend/Wilfried Zaha partnership.
After seven weeks out, and with a World Cup now starting to close in, Benteke should have plenty of motivation to get into goalscoring gear again.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Retro indulgence
What happened to diving headers, eh? Keith Houchen-style, caution-to-the-wind, to-hell-with-gravity diving headers. Here’s Chris Armstrong putting Palace well on the way to three points at Goodison Park 25 years ago.
Leicester v Manchester City
Put your mortgage on…
Pep Guardiola burying a bad memory. It’s almost a year since Manchester City were given an old-fashioned pasting by Leicester, at the tail end of a dismal autumn/winter run of just four wins from 15 games.
“I’m not a coach for tackles, so I don’t train the tackles…what’s tackles?”, Guardiola infamously shrugged afterwards. A year on, his methods are no longer being questioned, and City are yet to collapse at the first sign of the evenings getting darker.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Retro indulgence
16 years ago at Filbert Street, there were several spectacles to behold: Manchester City’s fluorescent green socks, Ade Akinbiyi actually scoring a goal, and then Paulo Wanchope scoring a backheeled winner.
Liverpool v Southampton
Put your mortgage on…
All eyes being on Virgil van Dijk. Such was the soundness of the logic for his move to Liverpool – only emphasised by Dejan Lovren’s recent nightmares in the heart of their defence – that even neutrals were willing it to happen. This represents the Dutchman’s best chance to prove the he’s outgrown St Mary’s and is a long-term solution for Jurgen Klopp.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Retro indulgence
Let’s go back to October 1993 and Robbie Fowler v Matt Le Tissier. The 18-year-old goalscoring prodigy bagged a perfect hat-trick, Liverpool won 4-2, but Le God just about edged the artistic merit category. His first goal here is an absolute gem.
West Brom v Chelsea
Put your mortgage on…
David Luiz remaining out in the Chelsea cold. After reportedly questioning Antonio Conte’s tactics in the Champions League hammering at Roma, Luiz was dropped for the watertight win over Manchester United last time out. In his stead, the sole current success story for the Chelsea academy was superb.
Andreas Christensen does not catch the eye like Luiz, nor is he a centre-back titan in the John Terry mould, but there is something reassuringly unfussy about his defending alongside the tenacious Cesar Azpilicueta and the slightly panic-stricken Gary Cahill. Luiz’s misfortune has become the Dane’s chance to stake a permanent claim.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
West Brom 1-2 Chelsea, 2005/06: Some Drogba brilliance, some Drogba pantomime, Jose Mourinho v Bryan Robson and the rarest sight of all – an Arjen Robben tackle. This was another Mourinho masterclass in how to grind out a Premier League away win.
Put your mortgage on…
Manchester United to make hard work of moving Newcastle’s parked bus. Rafa Benitez probably has a whole volume of notebooks entitled “How to Frustrate Jose Mourinho”, and he will be fully aware of United’s stuttering current form on the attack.
Eight shots on target in their last three Premier League games (Man City, meanwhile, have managed 20 in the same period) represents a rut, especially when you’re trying to chase the freescoring league leaders. Benitez will take quiet pleasure in turning that screw.
The match, according to Championship Manager 93/94…
Retro indulgence
April 2005: “…and I hear that Wayne Rooney might be coming off for Manchester United…a little knock in the first half…now then, here’s ROONEY, OH MY GOODNESS ME!”
Watford v West Ham
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David Moyes realising “the size of the task on his hands”, as is now almost mandatory for any new manager presiding over his first game in charge of a hitherto hapless team.
The West Ham squad have had a fortnight to digest and forget the whimper with which the Slaven Bilic era came to an end, but a trip to Watford is hardly the easiest place to make a fresh start.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
MOYES: NAILING HAMMERS’ FORM WILL TAKE TIME
Brighton v Stoke
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A draw. This looks like the drawiest game in the history of draws. No matter how many times Brighton dare to go in front, Peter Crouch is going to lope on as a substitute and ensure that it’s a draw.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
HUGHTON AND HUGHES REFUSE TO LOSE
