Manchester United's home loss to Swansea to start the season featured something that appeared truly nauseating and it wasn't Man United's performance. Early in the match, Ashley Young looked to be the victim of a laser-guided shot of bird poop directly to his mouth. Footage of the incident quickly spread across the Internet, causing all who viewed it to recoil in horror and brush their teeth until their toothbrushes turned into a prison shivs.
Closer examination of higher resolution video later seemed to prove that the substance assumed to be bird poop actually landed behind Young just as he spit up on his own lips and the whole thing was a perfect storm of optical illusions and regurgitation, but Ashley Young himself still remains unsure about what happened that day. His teammates were happy to mock him about it, though.
Asked about the incident by Sky Sports, Young said: "I couldn't tell you.
"I need to put it out there, I don't actually know. I don't know what happened.
"You would have seen a reaction from me. I've seen the video about 100 times.
"I don't know what it was. I need to get to the bottom of it.
"After it actually happened - I don't know who it was and I need to get to the bottom of this as well - above my locker there was a pigeon put up.
"I walked in and thought 'oh no'. And that was it, everyone started taking pictures of it. Everyone think it actually happened. I don't know, I couldn't tell you."
Surely this moment and the enduring uncertainty it has produced will haunt him for the rest of his life. We can only hope that one day Oliver Stone makes a film about it that pushes the theory of a second pooper.
- - - - - - -