An open letter to fathers who work too much

Daniel Wong is a learning and teen expert, and is also the best-selling author of “The Happy Student”. He offers programmes to help students attain exam excellence while also finding happiness and fulfillment, and to empower parents to motivate their unmotivated teenagers. Download his FREE e-book, “16 Keys To Motivating Your Teenager”. The views expressed are his own.

Dear fathers who work too much,

I’m not writing this letter to condemn or criticise you. I’m a father myself, so I understand some of the challenges you face. Undeniably, fatherhood is tough.

That being said, I write this letter with a heavy heart.

I’ve worked with thousands of teenagers and their parents. Parents often send their teenagers to me when their teenagers lack focus, motivation and self-discipline.

Among the severe cases, 90% of my clients come from families where the father isn’t at home much, because of work commitments. These fathers work long hours and some go on frequent business trips. They might even be stationed overseas, separated from their family. These fathers are making good progress in their careers. They provide well for the family, which enables the family to go on at least one vacation a year, and affords them other luxuries.

(If you’re a father and this describes you, then this letter is addressed to you.)

If you look below the surface, however, you’ll see that these families are falling apart.

There’s constant tension in the home. The children are disengaged, and there’s little open, honest communication. The family environment lacks warmth and affection. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to spend significant quality time together as a family.

Fathers who work too much: I’m sure you know that your family appreciates your hard work. They’re thankful for your sacrifices, and that you provide for them financially.

But they want something much more than the money you earn. They want you.

Your wife and children might not say it often – or at all – but they need you to be a leader in the home, and they need you to be present. They need you to provide stability and strength, to be a role model and mentor.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I know that the cost of living is rising, and I know that you want your family to have a comfortable life. I’m not asking you to be irresponsible, or to neglect your work.

If you have absolutely no choice but to work 50-, 60- or 70-hour weeks to make ends meet, then this letter doesn’t apply to you.

But if your main concern is whether you should buy a bigger car or home – not whether you’ll be able to pay your bills this month – then this letter does apply to you.

You might not feel like you have a choice about how much time you spend at work, but you do. It might cost you a promotion or a pay increase, but you have a choice.

In life, few perfect solutions exist. Instead, we’re confronted with choices, which come with their associated tradeoffs. If you prioritise your career over your family, what tradeoffs are you making? And are those tradeoffs worth it?

The more children and parents I work with, the more deeply I understand that building a family is like building a business. As an entrepreneur, I know that building a business requires a plan, a vision and a strategy.

Building a family is no different. The saying “Failing to plan is planning to fail” applies to both our professional and personal lives.

I encourage you to ask yourself: What’s your plan, vision and strategy for your family? What values do you want to instill in your children, and how are you currently doing that? Ideally, what will your family life be like 5, 10 or 20 years from now? What family traditions will you establish, and what memories will you create? What practical boundaries will you set for your children?

These are big questions that all parents must think through. If we don’t, we’ll end up focusing on the urgent issues – which tuition classes to go for, which schools to enroll in, which subjects to take – while neglecting the issues that are of enduring importance.

Building a strong family demands dedication. This is a formidable task, which becomes even more formidable if the father doesn’t spend enough time at home.

But this is a task worth doing diligently. It will lay the foundation for your children to become well-adjusted, socially responsible, successful adults.

Based on my observations, most fathers who work too much do so because they get respect and recognition at work. In contrast, they get little respect and recognition at home. As such, they subconsciously spend more time at work, because that’s where they feel more in control and more powerful.

In other cases, the family relationships have deteriorated to a point where home is no longer a pleasant place to be. Work then becomes a happier alternative.

Whatever the reasons are that you’re not at home much, there will be long-term consequences for your family. I’ve seen the whole spectrum of possible outcomes: children who feel insecure, and who lack motivation and ambition; children who have a warped understanding of how a family should function; wives who feel alone and abandoned; homes that are filled with bitterness and resentment.

Of course, many factors play a part, but an absent father is typically a major contributing one.

I’m not trying to be a doom-monger or a wet blanket. I just want to remind you that short-sighted choices can lead to sad consequences.

But there’s good news: It’s never too late to make new decisions and to choose a different path.

Today is the day to take a step back from your life. Ask yourself what kind of family you want to build, and what you’re going to do to realise that vision.

Will you commit to having dinner at home with your family at least three times a week? Will you stop working over the weekend? Will you give up time-consuming hobbies like playing golf or watching several soccer games a week?

These are difficult choices, but you won’t regret them. It’s easy to accept the status quo, to keep on doing what you’ve been doing for months, or even years.

But I urge you not to.

As fathers, let’s renew our commitment to serving and loving our families, and to being there for them. Our families are depending on us, so let’s make wise choices.

Starting today.

Yours sincerely,
Daniel Wong (your fellow father)

P.S. I don’t mean to be sexist by writing this letter. I’m sure that there are mothers who work too much as well, but my experience so far tells me that it’s more common for fathers to work too much.