Chelsea v Liverpool: when binary figures were seared into your retinas
0-0 IT IS, THEN
Remember the mid-2000s? If you do, you weren’t there. Or maybe you just have a series of binary figures seared into your retinas: 0-1, 1-0, 0-1, 0-0, 1-0, 0-0, 0-0, 1-0, 1-0, 1-0. That would mean you watched the rump of the Chelsea v Liverpool slugfests that pockmarked the era. For a five-year period from 2004 no competition was safe: they faced each other 24 times and, ghost goals or not, a fair wedge of them were bona fide stinkers and could even be found dangling from a stick. Which means a meeting between these two still brings back the shivers: gut-wrenching, “tactically fascinating” heave-hoes at a time when English clubs could have written the book on grinding big games out. So what’s this on Sunday afternoon? Hmm, Sassuolo v Cagliari is on the other side and less likely to give us disconcerting flashbacks.
Hold on, though. This being 2020, it turns out things are somewhat different. We were warned when, straight after lifting the Premier League trophy in July, the pair treated us to a behind-closed-doors humdinger at Anfield. It finished 5-3 to Liverpool, with Jürgen Klopp and Frank Lampard’s Chelsea manager Frank Lampard throwing in a few choice verbal afters to boot. The managers shared a little more needle several days back, Lampard professing to find some holier-than-thou comments from his counterpart about Chelsea’s spending power “slightly amusing”. Klopp, who had spoken about clubs “owned by countries and oligarchs”, hastened to play all that down and described them as “different clubs, leading in a different way”. He continued: “We invest what we earn and sometimes we invest before we earn but it’s still based on these kinds of thing and it’s not like this for other clubs.”
As far as rowings-back go, it was not exactly of Dorney Lake proportions and not without obvious cracks in the hull. What all that summer investment has done, mind, is tee up a game that – and we’ll curse it – stands little chance of adding to the numerical sequence of shame above. Liverpool showed a delightful propensity to forget most of their defensive principles in shipping three goals to Leeds last weekend, while it remains to be seen whether Chelsea hold any such truths dear at all. Hakim Ziyech and Christian Pulisic will both miss the game but logic suggests you’re still better hanging your hat on Timo Werner and Kai Havertz to win you a face-off against Liverpool’s attack than holding out for Andreas Christenson and Kurt Zouma to bolt the door shut.
It’s the classic “early marker” fixture, one that should tell us everything about Liverpool’s capacity to romp to another title and Chelsea’s ability to hijack the recently-established order. So goes the billing, anyway. In reality both teams are, like anyone else, still fumbling their way towards some sort of normal rhythm. The Fiver quite enjoyed itself last decade regardless of the metronomic drudgery they played out, but perhaps this this time they will turn up a festival of fun that makes the memory of that period harder than ever for our fading cells to grasp.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When the game kicked off, one of our players passed the ball to the opponent and our team walked to the sidelines. The Holdenstedt players did not understand. But we did not want to risk anything. For the rest of the match, our players returned to the field but they only stood on the pitch” – Patrick Ristow, co-chief suit of German amateur side SG Ripdorf/Molzen II, on how a fear of contracting Covid-19 meant his side’s seven players socially distanced themselves to the mother of all 37-0 shellackings.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I was excited to read about the incoming Thiago transfer (yesterday’s Fiver), but was far more interested by the news that Cadbury’s have signed up Liverpool as their new chocolate partner. You followed up this bombshell with the news that Manchester United are also Cadbury’s chocolate partners and, after a little more research (come on Fiver, don’t make me do more work), I discovered that Cadbury’s have actually partnered the entire ‘Big Six’, a half dozen Official Global Chocolate Partners (someone better tell Leicester). It would be easy to criticise all these nonsense partnerships but instead I’m just going to wrap up with a few sugar-free puns. Wispa it quietly – Bayern have made a right Fudge here, Liverpool will be Twirling with joy and have now got the League by the Curly Wurlys” – Sholem Lenkiewicz.
“In regards to global chocolate partners that The Fiver does not possess, surely there are offers from Tin makers galore? USA! USA!! USA!!! has some of the cheapest, which somehow seems congruous” – Paul Benveniste [global chocolate partners, global Tin partners … we’re not picky – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Sholem Lenkiewicz.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Having spent most of his time at Spurs moaning that he doesn’t have enough players, José Mourinho reckons he has “too many” now Gareth Bale and Sergio Reguilón are in town. “I don’t like the number of players I have in my squad. It is very, very difficult to manage,” he honked. Oh José!
Sweden defender and Chelsea captain Magda Eriksson has hit back at criticism the national team received for taking a knee before their Euro qualifier against Hungary. “Guess what? We’ll do it again,” she said. “We’re not the problem. The people who make a problem of our act unfortunately are.”
Preston boss Alex Neil reckons now might not be the best time to plough on with trials to bring a small number of fans back to Football League games this weekend. “There seems to be a bit of a spike again and I’m actually quite surprised they are continuing with introducing fans,” he sighed.
Ole Gunnar Solskjær claims that Gareth Southgate ignored his request not to pick Mason Greenwood for England. “We asked [the FA] specifically that he should have had a rest. First thing that happens he’s called up,” he grumbled.
And 2016’s Ross McCormack has managed to escape his electric gates to scrawl his name all over a contract at non-league Aldershot. “Delighted to be here!” he cheered.
STILL WANT MORE?
The weekend doesn’t start until you’ve read 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
With fans as moody as ever and a USA! USA!! USA!!! consortium circling, what next for West Ham, asks Jacob Steinberg.
Gareth Bale has finally fought his way out of the Real Madrid door marked Do One, and his exit is marked by bitterness, resentment and relief, writes Sid Lowe.
“Intensity, pace and a sweet left foot” – Nick Ames on why $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver Arsenal’s Gabriel has the full package.
Big names are great, but the WSL must not become a holiday league, warns Eni Aluko.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
