Dating 9 To 5 - How To Make Dating As Successful As Your Full Time Job
‘I’ve come up with a dating plan,’ my friend announced to me via WhatsApp recently. ‘In September, I’m setting up a group chat with other singles. We’re going to set dating goals for one another, with monthly reviews to make sure these are being met. If you don’t complete them, you’ll have to donate £5 to charity – consequences for being a lazy dater. How does that sound?’
Well, it sounds more like one of my formal work appraisals than means of finding a relationship, if you ask me. And it's certainly not the most romantic way to go about meeting the love of my life. But actually, is there some logic to this?
We’re all used to working towards targets 9 to 5, and evaluating our progress when things haven’t gone to plan, so what would happen if we applied that same dedication 5 to 9? Same structure, different hours, 24/7 results. Think about it like looking for a new employee: reviewing CVs, first interviews, monitoring regular staff turnover as prospective partners are ‘hired’ and ‘fired’ (AKA swiped right and left on read) until we find the right fit. The improvement on efficiency could be steep.
This might sound dramatic, but hear me out. Post-lockdown, we’re rethinking much of our usual behaviour – particularly how we socialise. So, while such a fastidious and calculated approach to dating would normally bring me out in hives, even my reluctant self has accepted that navigating post-lockdown love – and making up for lost time - will require a whole new mindset.
You see, these past months spent at home has deepened a divide that used to be more subtle. Friendship groups split into two camps: The Taken and The Single, which is a sub-division of the Haves and the Have Nots.
Most Takens in my circle have ridden out quarantine together, continuing to experience the luxuries they’ve long taken for granted: companionship, date nights, sex – hell, just having someone who’s allowed sit near you on the sofa.
Meanwhile, those in the Single camp stayed, well, single. Which in Covid-times is more painful than it ever has been. The days of locking eyes with someone across a dark, sticky bar were gone. Companionship was confined to computer screens. With only text chats and video calls to offer, dating apps began to lose their charm. Even the ‘Hey stranger’ DM slides began to dwindle; the ‘You up?’ texts relented. After all, what’s the point in inviting someone over after too much tequila if you have to stay two metres apart when they get there?
I’m not dense – I know people have been dating in lockdown. For some, it’s been turbulent yet rewarding; the lack of physical contact building an unexpectedly strong emotional connection. And others have ignored the rules entirely, going against all odds (read: government advice) for physical encounters.
I also know that not every singleton wants to become a pair. But, for so many of us, who are keen to find a relationship, dating has been on pause. And as we begin to emerge from our chrysalises of confinement and reopened bars give us potential meet-up locations other than the local park, now feels like the time to press play again. Which brings me back to my dear friend’s loving-yet-forceful nudge to ‘get back out there’.
Think about it this way: the endless swiping, careful profile picture selecting, witty response generating and personal grooming of modern dating already demands quite a lot of hard work. So, what’s the harm in treating it a bit more like our actual work, with the sort of goal-setting, appraisals and profit margins that we’ve gleaned from corporate life?
Enter, The Relationship Conversation. A bit like the annual Career Conversation that you have with your boss in the office, but a whole lot more intrusive.
Senior management becomes whichever friends you’ve unwittingly coerced into holding you accountable and your monthly goals can be set and reviewed at each appraisal (held over an Aperol spritz in a pub garden, of course) – whether it’s going on a date per week, setting criteria for second-date worthiness, committing to one app in particular, or plucking up the courage to coolly ask someone out in real life whilst standing metres away.
Fail to meet those targets? You’re on probation – better up your game next month or you’re off the team. Pass with flying colours, on the other hand, and you’re on track for a pay rise (an extra spritz and a pat on the back?). Promotion equates to a change in relationship status, and is the ultimate goal.
Keen, but don’t know where to start? I’ve reimagined the structure of my last work appraisal for use as a template:
YOUR DATING APPRAISAL
Hello and welcome to your review. In this meeting, we will discuss your future aspirations and set goals for the next 3, 6 and 12 months to help you get there. We want you to get the most out of these conversations, so take the time to prepare some ideas beforehand and do take notes throughout.
STEP 1: REFLECT
Let’s take a look back over the previous year. How do you think it went? What did you achieve? Is there anything you would have done differently? Learning from past experience is key to moving forward.
STEP 2: THE BIG GOAL
What is it you want out of the next year? Is it something serious? A fling? Someone presentable enough to escort you to 2021’s flurry of rearranged weddings? A guaranteed lockdown companion in case there’s a second wave? Now is the time to decide.
STEP 3: SET YOUR KPIs (Key Performance Indicators)
In other words, ways to measure your success when it comes to achieving said Big Goal, whether that’s tallying up the number of dates you go on, or how many people you aim to speak to in the next month– whatever motivates, rather than utterly intimidates, you.
STEP 4: FINESSE YOUR CV
With everyone’s face covered most of the time (wear a mask, kids), the chance of meeting anyone in real life is slim, unless only seeing above someone’s nose really gets you going. So online dating it is. The art of creating the perfect profile is much like a CV: it’s all about highlighting your best qualities. So post that picture with the cute dog (that’s not yours), list your accomplishments (with a degree of humility), use your five-year-old holiday photos from South Africa to make you seem well-travelled. Nobody needs to know you haven’t been further than Cornwall since.
STEP 5: REVIEW YOUR HOURS
We’ve all read about the benefits of a shorter working week resulting in more productivity. If you apply this to swiping on your app of choice, you might actually reap some rewards there too. A friend of mine now only uses hers between 7-8pm, concentrating on it for an hour and forgetting about it for the other 23 hours of the day. Her match rate has gone up and she’s no longer obsessively checking her phone – there you have it.
STEP 5: BOOK IN FUTURE APPRAISALS
We all need a deadline to make sure we get things done, so setting dates to check back in and reassess might not be the worst idea. In fact, I can vouch for this one –my last relationship only came about because my friend dared me to go on a date within the next eight weeks. I went on one to win the bet (so competitive), but it ended up leading to something more. True story.
STEP 6: GO OUT AND DO IT, BABES
Obviously, this is how all formal Career Conversations end. Or not. But the message is similar: you can only do so much talking and planning and dreaming about the outcome of any situation, personal or professional. Eventually, you’ve got to get out there and just do it. It’s easier said than done, of course. But maybe it really is time to start dating like we mean it.
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