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Confused About the Definition of “Queer”? Here’s What Experts Say

Confused About the Definition of “Queer”? Here’s What Experts Say

Once upon a (more narrow-minded) time, there weren't nearly as many gender and sexual orientation terms to help folx define themselves and find their communities as there are today. Now, as language and understanding continue to evolve, more identity-related words are being added to our dictionary of terms (yay!), but that doesn’t mean that many of the original terms aren’t still used widely. In fact, many people still gravitate toward the word "queer” to best describe themselves and their community.

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If you’re wondering what the actual definition of "queer" is, Elise Schuster, MPH, co-founder and executive director of OkaySo, says the simplest way to describe it is “not straight.” For them, it's an identity and/or orientation that doesn’t align with the heteronormative expectation that everyone’s automatically heterosexual and heteroromantic. While you might’ve heard the word used as an insult, the term has actually been reclaimed by the community as an act of empowerment, says certified sex therapist, Amanda Pasciucco, AASECT.

“For many people who use the term 'queer,' it is specifically about embracing this idea of being out of mainstream ideas and embracing one's own authentic self,” Schuster explains. In general, “queerness” is an umbrella term that is both an orientation and a community for those on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Considering how many people the term can describe—both as individuals and as a community—it’s definitely an important word to understand and celebrate. Whether you consider yourself queer, you’re trying to become a better ally, or you simply want to learn more, here’s everything you need to know about the definition of and history behind the term.

Which orientations fall under the queer umbrella?

Since "queer" is such a broad term, it’s a little confusing to determine who, exactly, it applies to. According to Schuster, “any [orientation or identity] that's not straight” is considered queer. "Beyond that, it's really about if the person with that identity wants to see themselves as being part of a larger queer umbrella," they explain.

To many, queerness encompasses an intersection of identities. Pasciucco adds that the term indicates an “individual who self-identifies as either lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (also sometimes called 'questioning'), intersex and/or asexual, aka the LGBTQIA+ community."

To keep it supes simple, if someone describes themselves as queer, it’s quite often because their sexual orientation and/or gender falls under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella rather than the heterosexual norm. That said, there are so many ways to identify as queer, so if you feel like you’re queer and want to own it, go forth with pride.

So…which orientations aren’t queer?

The definition of queer varies depending on who you ask, so it’s a little tricky to determine who isn’t queer. Since sexuality is a spectrum, it sometimes makes using the term polarizing for bisexual and heteroflexible individuals (even though they totally count). Generally, someone who is heterosexual, heteroromantic, cisgender, and monogamous wouldn’t be considered queer—but there’s an exception.

Pasciucco, for example, utilizes the "+" sign when referring to the queer community in order to indicate pangender or pansexual individuals and those in alternative relationship communities, such as polyamory, kink, or non-monogamy. “As a person who is mostly in other-sex relationships, not all individuals who identify as queer believe that people like me, or people in the plus [of LGBTQIA+], ought to be included in the community,” Pasciucco explains.

Critics say that for a straight, poly person to describe themselves as queer is piggybacking on decades of LGBTQ activism to gain fundamental rights and celebrate their identities. The word queer, however, is intentionally vague, and with such vagueness also comes different interpretations. And the truth is, some people within polyamorous or kink communities do identify as queer even if they enjoy solely heterosexual relationships. “Just because it’s one penis and one vagina, that doesn’t mean there’s not some queer aspect of you,” queer sex therapist Kelly Wise, PhD explains.

That’s why it’s always best to use the labels someone chooses for themselves, even if they’re not the label you yourself would've used in their situation. It’s called respect, mmk?

Is the word “queer” an insult?

The celebration and use of the word "queer" is one of reclamation, since not too long ago, it was used as a slur. “Back in the day, definitely when I was growing up, the word ‘queer’ was a derogatory term,” Dr. Wise says. Schuster adds that it was used to say someone "wrong" if they were gay or different.

It wasn’t until the late ‘80s that the LGBTQIA+ community adopted the term as a form of pride. “I like to think that my queer identity is me saying: ‘You thought you were insulting me, but this is actually something I love about myself,’” Schuster says.

An important note: While the word is generally celebrated, some LGBTQIA+ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history. Schuster notes that the term hasn’t completely lost its negative potential.

“It's safest for folks who are in the LGBTQIA+ community to use the word, especially when referring to an individual,” they explain. If you’re referring to the queer community (but you’re not a part of it), Schuster suggests just using “LGBTQIA+” to avoid coming off unintentionally derogatory. And if you’re ever unsure what label someone uses or the term they prefer, politely ask them! “Like any term, it is entirely up to an individual how they want to identify and use this language,” Schuster says.

Is queer a sexual identity, a gender identity, or a community?

Queerness is more nuanced than a sexual identity or gender identity, says Pasciucco, who adds that it’s a fluid movement “beyond the binary of cisgender and heteronormativity.” As Nicole Scrivano, LMFT, one of Pasciucco’s colleagues, explained in a blog post:

“As queer women, we come in a variety of forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexual identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, non-binary, femme, gender flexible, etc. Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity.”

Some folks who fall anywhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum will describe themselves as queer rather than bisexual or pansexual. Others will use both and introduce themselves as “bisexual and queer,” for instance. The term “queer” is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary.

So not only is “queer” used to describe sexual, romantic, and gender identities, but as previously mentioned, it can also be used to describe the LGBTQIA+ community. Dr. Wise says in using “queer” as a community term, it creates a sense of acceptance. “There’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation,” she explains.

Ultimately, the definition of queer might be different depending on who you ask, but all the experts agree it’s a powerful word that celebrates accepting yourself and others for exactly who they are.

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