Advertisement

Don't panic, Dr Matt Hancock will protect us from the coronavirus

<span>Photograph: Peter Summers/Getty Images</span>
Photograph: Peter Summers/Getty Images

Very few MPs were taking any chances with the new coronavirus outbreak in China. Which is why the Commons chamber was almost entirely empty for the ministerial statement about it. The risk of contagion is clearly deemed so high by many that even talking about it can spread the disease.

Fortunately the health secretary, Matt Hancock, is more selfless than many. And more fearless. One of the more charming things about Matt – other than his gullibility: he consistently remains the only person in the entire country who believes Boris Johnson will actually build 40 new hospitals – is his tireless dedication to the cause. Tigger doesn’t just wear his NHS badge on the lapel of his suit, he has it attached to his pyjamas in bed at night. As does his Pooh bear teddy.

Matt is so hands on and lives and breathes the NHS so much that he now rather considers himself to be the nation’s doctor-in-chief, rather than a politician with no clinical experience. So for his Commons statement, he tried to adopt the serious, yet deeply reassuring, bedside tone of a disaster movie superhero who was preventing widespread panic before going back into the contaminated danger zone to singlehandedly save the planet.

Unfortunately, it turned out that Tigger didn’t actually have anything worthwhile to divulge. All he had was the same information that was readily available to anyone following the news. The coronavirus was primarily confined to Wuhan city in China, which was now in lockdown. There had been 511 cases confirmed with 17 fatalities, though it was possible these figures could rise. No shit. There had been isolated cases reported in the US and Japan, but none confirmed in the UK so far. But he was ready if there were as the UK was upgrading its risk level from “Very low” to “Low”. He said it in a way that made “low” sound like a red alert. Either no one had bothered to tell him there were four suspected cases in Scotland or he just didn’t want to worry anyone. “Most people do recover,” he added, trying not to sound too disappointed. It’s hard to be appreciated as a proper saviour unless there’s some jeopardy.

After advising a few MPs, who were concerned about the wellbeing of their Chinese constituents, that the best way to avoid the coronavirus was not to travel to Wuhan or have anything to do with someone who had just returned from there, Matt then donned his white coat to give one-to-one consultations. He told the shadow health secretary, Sharon Hodgson, that there was no need for her or anyone else to worry if they were suffering from a cough as the disease typically took 10 to 14 days to gestate. Something I found particularly reassuring, as I had been up half the night hacking my guts out and had been prone to the odd hypochondriacal thought. Nice to know Matt’s got my back.

There was also no need at present – at present – for anyone to wear face masks or hazmat suits but if anyone was at all concerned they were to ring the NHS 111 helpline and Dr Matt would personally be on standby to take any calls throughout the weekend. For once, though, his surgery was almost empty so the entire consultation session was over in a record 15 minutes. Most ministerial statements last a minimum of 45 minutes.

But if Matt was disappointed at the lack of referrals, he was too professional to show it. He had done his bit to keep the country safe and that’s what counted. If only he could show the same diligence in other areas of his job, then people might not be dying unnecessarily due to hospitals missing their A&E and cancer targets.

There had been a rather fuller house for international trade departmental questions earlier in the day. Then there had been no risk of imminent death and many MPs had come along out of curiosity as they suspected the session might be something of a collector’s item. With the withdrawal agreement having passed both houses – sorry child refugees, you’ll just have to take your chances – Brexit is now a done deal, which means that we’re about to get down to the much trickier, hard graft of negotiating new trade deals. And as even Boris Johnson can see that the last person you would want in charge of this is someone as catastrophically dim as Liz Truss, it’s likely her days are numbered with a reshuffle imminent.

Still, you have to give Truss credit. If this was to be her last outing at the dispatch box, then she was going to go out in the style on which her reputation had been built. Confusion and incompetence. She opened by heralding a new dawn of UK-US trade. She had no idea how any such deal could be agreed without first having established what levels of alignment the UK would be keeping with the EU, but she was certain that the new agreement would mean no tariffs on car exports to the US. Only for her to add in the same breath that the UK should be free to impose a digital service tax if it wanted to, even though the US had insisted it would impose tariffs on cars if we did. Go figure.

I’ll miss Truss when she’s gone. Even if few others will. She’s been very good to me. But then I said much the same when Liam Fox was sacked from the same job. My one consolation is that her successor will almost certainly be no better. There may be numbers on the Tory benches, but there isn’t much real talent.