An excitable goalkeeper, red and blue lines and a Dutchman's knee
MERSEY MAYHEM
As if seeing their team diddled out of victory over Everton on the back of an offside call so tight it resembled The Fiver clambering out of a pub toilet window to avoid getting in a round, Liverpool fans were forced to endure further horror when it emerged Virgil van Dijk will be out for many months after it was confirmed he had “done” his ACL and will need surgery followed by rehab.
In the interests of accuracy it should be pointed out that it was in fact Everton goalkeeper Jordan Pickford wot “done” big Virgil’s knee, knacking the joint in question with a reckless challenge that went completely unpunished because the video assistant referee, David Coote, was so focused on examining those red and blue dotted lines from the grass to the Dutchman’s knee he somehow missed the moment it exploded on impact with the excitable goalkeeper.
Related: Liverpool's Virgil van Dijk facing surgery and long absence with cruciate injury
The upshot? The man responsible for the injury will miss no games, the official who failed to spot it has been stood down for next weekend and the completely innocent victim may miss the rest of the season. While Jürgen Klopp has yet to comment publicly on the matter, The Fiver suspects the German’s reaction upon having his worst fears confirmed may not have been entirely dissimilar to that of you-know-who when he loses the plot in that scene from Downfall.
In a Premier League weekend jam-packed with incident and Aston Villa’s win over Leicester, José Mourinho could have been forgiven for turning the air blue with loud effs and jeffs after seeing his team throw away a three-goal lead in the last eight minutes against West Ham. “For you, I prefer to say football happened and praise West Ham’s belief,” he told one post-match interrogator. And for his players? “At this point I say nothing,” he intoned, although afternoon reports of a giant mushroom cloud hovering over Tottenham’s training ground suggest he may finally have broken his silence.
Among the weekend’s other headline-makers, Sergio Agüero prompted varying degrees of outrage for grabbing Sian Massey-Ellis by the shoulder, following a dispute over a throw-in. While the gesture has been analysed to within an inch of its life and led to various social media and radio phone-in seminars in which assorted blokes mansplain what women should and should not feel intimidated by, Pep Guardiola insisted there was Nothing To See Here, because: “Sergio is the nicest guy I have ever met in my life.” That may well be the case and nice-guy Sergio may have meant no harm, but like the results of a certain Dutchman’s scan it did not make for pleasant viewing.
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Join Nick Ames for red-hot minute-by-minute coverage of Leeds 4-3 Wolves at 8pm BST.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Milano never had a king, they have a GOD” – Zlatan stays humble after his two goals against Inter gave Milan their first derby win in four years. For more on the big man’s display in a wild weekend of Serie A football, read Nicky Bandini’s weekly blog.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
All aboard the Football Weekly train, boarding now. Andy Hunter, Natasha Henry and Ewan Murray join Max and Barry to talk Virgil, VAR, Villa and more.
FIVER LETTERS
“Has someone put a curse on the England goalkeeper position? Like his predecessor Joe Hart, Jordan Pickford has become increasingly erratic and prone to simple mistakes since taking the position. Is Gareth Southgate going to have to emulate Barry Fry and urinate in the Wembley goalmouths to try to remove the curse? I suppose he can console himself that it’s just one position so he’ll not have to go round all four corners of the pitch” – David Wall.
“Surely, with Premier League football matches now costing £14.95, the best advice would be to get as many people as possible round your gaff in order to share the costs. A decent sized living room (and we all know at least person with one of those) could easily fit 30, reducing the cost to 50p each. Can’t see anything that could go wrong there …” – Roger Gellman.
“In [flamin’] Australia I pay roughly 15 bucks (£8) a month to watch every Premier League game live. Why anyone would pay $30 for one game is beyond me – these greedy [snip – Fiver Decency Ed] won’t have a game to sell soon as everyone will turn to gardening or some other cheaper and more rewarding past-time other than watching empty stadiums with bored footballers going through the motions” – Stephen Kirk.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Roger Gellman.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A fresh and funky Wayne Rooney has tested negative for Covid-19 but will miss Derby’s next three games after being forced to self-isolate. Friend and entrepreneur Josh Bardsley visited Rooney on Thursday to give him a watch, having already been contacted by NHS test and trace staff.
Uefa says it will consider ruining Big Cup in 2024 by possibly scrapping two legged games from the quarter-final stage and rebranding it the “Final Eight” because … sigh.
Baroness Sue Campbell, the director of women’s football at the FA, has conceded there is no timeframe for the introduction of full-time professional referees in the women’s game between now and 2024.
Some top, top Newcastle fans have raised around £19,000 by choosing to give to a local food bank charity rather than watching their team on pay-per-view at the weekend, a fans’ group has said.
Sheffield United have been dealt an injury blow with the news that John Fleck will miss between four and six weeks with back-knack.
Aston Villa are still set to break all records on their way to the title after Ross Barkley’s late winner made it 1,057 Premier League games without a goalless draw.
And in news that will leave at least 50% of the Fiver readership wincing, Flamengo defender Gustavo Henrique had to be substituted during Sunday’s win against Corinthians after an opponent accidentally stood on his testicles.
STILL WANT MORE?
Cádiz’s unlikely heroes stunned Real Madrid, serenaded their pilot and sent Sid Lowe into raptures.
Schalke finally showed some fight but, as Andy Brassell explains, it’s the Revierderby on Saturday and fight is the very least their fans expect.
Pickford, Lampard, Bruce! Another freakish set of matches has given rise to new villains in this weekend’s talking points.
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson reckons Liverpool’s defence already looked fallible and the loss of Van Dijk will further expose that fragility.
The Premier League doesn’t have the monopoly on refereeing shambles. Rachel Brown-Finnis fulminates in her WSL talking points against a “simply unbelievable mistake” that cost Everton.
PSG were without nine first-team regulars at Nîmes and still won 4-0. Adam White and Eric Devin reckon Manchester United should be worried.
Fernando talks to Sid Lowe about his love of Manchester, Sevilla’s brilliant centre-backs and their task at Chelsea.
Gareth Bale came on for his second Spurs debut with his team 3-0 up. They contrived to draw 3-3. Nick Ames ponders how the reunion may play out.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
