25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Feb. 11-24)

Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight?

Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits.

Wife: That movie doesn't exist.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2020

Me: Can you go to the store?
Husband: Sure.
Me: *gives him a grocery list*
Husband: *forgets several items*
Me: Did you look at the list?
Husband: No, I forgot.
(Repeats weekly)

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 18, 2020

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 15, 2020

Marriage:

I love you but you’re out of your fucking mind

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) February 17, 2020

70% of marriage is yelling “what” from a different room.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 11, 2020

Wife’s traveling for work, so I’ve set an alarm for 1AM, to yell at myself for using her pillow

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 19, 2020

Reasons I married a woman:

I can’t multitask for shit and someone in my life had to.

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) February 22, 2020

There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterwards.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 22, 2020

Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.

-marriage

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 14, 2020

Rage vacuuming is like regular vacuuming except you’re married.

— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) February 11, 2020

We haven’t cheated on each other but my wife and I will quietly unplug the other one’s phone even if it’s at like 9% to give ours some extra juice.

— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) February 16, 2020

My wife told me that to revive the spark in our marriage I should start treating her like I did when we first started dating so last night I took her to a movie and dropped her off at her parents house

— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) February 19, 2020

My husband’s been yelling at Siri for almost 20 minutes..Should I tell him he’s talking to Alexa?

— Momma G (@TheOnlyMommaG) February 13, 2020

Husband: you alright?

Me, on my period: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) February 12, 2020

Me: *drives to a different store to save $.75 on bread*

Also Me: *spends $400 on a blow-dryer*

[later that night]

Husband: How was your day?

Me: Great! I saved us money on bread.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 19, 2020

Wife: *passionately pouring her heart out to me about PTA, the kids’ day, next month’s budget, vacation and other many important things*

Me: Is that my hoodie?

— dADDisms (@Beagz) February 12, 2020

He died doing what he loved, gloating about the one time, several years ago, he won an argument with his wife.

— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) February 21, 2020

[Immediately after he introduces me to someone]

My husband: Yes, she is always that awkward

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) February 21, 2020

My husband thinks that if he whistles, but quietly, it won't bother me as much.

NOT SO.

— Cathryn 💚 (@AngryRaccoon2) February 21, 2020

Just watched our server back away in sheer terror when my husband suggested we share a dessert.

— Jo💫 (@Just__J0) February 14, 2020

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:

Husband: *gets up*

Me: Will you get me—

Husband: *sits back down*

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 19, 2020

Marriage is basically cleaning the kitchen and then walking away for 2 seconds and then coming back and seeing the kitchen is destroyed again and getting super annoyed over and over again until you die.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 22, 2020

Traveling with your husband is fun because no matter where you go you’ll still end up in a Wal-Mart buying the one thing he was entrusted to pack.

— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) February 16, 2020

My wife and I have an agreement: I get to hold the remote and she gets to make every other decision in our lives.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 14, 2020

Not to brag but my husband said I’m like the most high maintenance person he’s ever been with.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 14, 2020