my job? nfl team graphic designer. my mission? to make a bird look as mean as possible
— molly mary o'brien (@missmollymary) September 14, 2023
i love when apple is like "we are going to install updates tonight when you are sleeping" and when you wake up they're just like "couldn't do it! you slept weird and we couldn't do it!"
— Claire Lower (@clairelizzie) September 11, 2023
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
— trash jones (@jzux) September 13, 2023
i don’t want to “heal” my inner child, i want to “give her a big sword”
— Meg (@megannn_lynne) September 12, 2023
I called my doctors office earlier today to make an appointment & when the receptionist answered the phone without thinking I went “Hi my name is Brenna Smith and I’m a reporter with The Baltimore Banner” & she just went “Ok. Good for you.”
Journalism has ruined me 😂😂😂
— Brenna T. Smith (@brenna__smith) September 14, 2023
actually the real monster is the person who goes out of their way to correct you that Frankenstein was the doctor’s name
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) September 13, 2023
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
— Beth McColl (@imbethmccoll) September 13, 2023
call me richard the way we gonna link later…
— helen (@helen) September 11, 2023
(trying to sound like i read books) for whom the bell…jars
— eleanor (@dimestorepaglia) September 13, 2023
when you’re being mean to me just know this is who you’re being mean to pic.twitter.com/IiAuyFOhQa
— The Notorious J.O.V. (@whotfisjovana) September 9, 2023
Who says women can't have it all? I have depression, anxiety, mom guilt, an extra 15 lbs, debt, angst, terrible taste, and a soul-crushing busy schedule! You can definitely do it too
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) September 11, 2023
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
— 🪦⚰️🎃Spooky Leggy Pain🕷️🕸️🦇 (@coffeeandvinyl1) September 9, 2023
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like "don't make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them." But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like "you bought ... so much, like a lot, of cheese."
— Kate Beaton (@beatonna) September 12, 2023
I hate meetings but they also make me feel important like “ugh i can’t do this rn i have a meeting in 5” pic.twitter.com/T4fuajvaUX
— Niggaless Cage (@afriasian) September 13, 2023
the VMAs are funny when you realize they’re all these celebrities are crammed inside Newark, NJ
— janie (@janiePHL) September 13, 2023
thinking about travis kelce showing taylor swift his highlight reels on youtube while she sits there and nods. she finally gets to have the universal teenage girl experience
— emily (@titosoatmilk) September 12, 2023
my family reading my texts after I die pic.twitter.com/4WyBZTro0D
— blaire erskine (@blaireerskine) September 12, 2023
i think if u have a really fucked up dream you should be allowed to call off work. i just watched my mother get attacked by a tiger and you expect me to hop on a zoom meeting rn
— Cait🧃 (@CaitCamelia) September 14, 2023
Due to the Unfortunate! We are deeply out of Onions! Thanx pic.twitter.com/D69DJbeyBX
— K***** (@internetkendra) September 11, 2023
My mom downloaded Uber and ordered a ride for the first time. She's 66, she's never done it, and I'm proud of her!
I was less proud to learn that in the process she accidentally signed up to become an Uber driver.
— Jordan Emmons (@joremmons) September 15, 2023
There are two people thrilled with Drew Barrymore right now and they are Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) September 11, 2023