Like Hannah Clarke, I didn’t realise I was experiencing abuse because it wasn’t physical

Like the rest of Australia, I saw the headlines unfold last week and over the past few days with absolute horror and disbelief. And, I must say, quite a few tears.

As details about Hannah Clarke’s experiences in her relationship were revealed by her family and friends, feelings and emotions that I thought I had dealt with, and had buried deeply more than 10 years ago, returned to my psyche.

I knew all too well the feelings she experienced. The quiet initial methods of intimidation, the slow isolation from my family and friends. His manipulation at first was gentle – so gentle I really didn’t recognise it for what it was. I have always confidently managed my finances and been conscientious with my money and what I purchased. His insistence to “help” me with grocery shopping resulted in him demanding I purchase “no frills” items for myself, but only chose brand names for himself and, later, our children.

Related: 'Failure in our system': after Hannah Clarke and her children's murder, experts call for action

I couldn’t spend a cent without being on the receiving end of a tirade. He would not give me money to purchase maternity bras and clothing, expecting me to wear what I had even when it was so ill-fitting it was humiliating for me. It eventually escalated to restricting my access to money by demanding I provide receipts for every single thing I purchased.

I was constantly criticised and critiqued on everything - from my appearance and weight to my cooking to how I folded laundry. I constantly walked on eggshells. My nerves were frayed. I could not leave the house without receiving the third degree: where did I go, who did I see, whom did I speak to, what time did I return – despite living in a city where I knew very few people and the only outings I had were to the local Westfield. I couldn’t even go to the local supermarket without receiving phone call after phone call demanding to know when I was returning home.

Attempts at marriage counselling failed because the counsellors we saw (and there were a lot, mostly females and hand-chosen by my husband) would not support his ideology that I was 100% responsible for all that was wrong with our marriage. I kid you not, he sat there session after session with a handwritten list of all his expectations of me and how I had failed to meet them. When these counsellors seemed to take my side and not his, he never returned for another appointment. When the tables were turned on him during one session with a male counsellor, he simply got up and stormed out. That counsellor told me to find myself a good lawyer, because I was going to need one. He was so right.

When we eventually separated, all of my ex-husband’s demands for access and contact were formalised in writing and I never restricted his contact or phone calls with our children while they were with me. In return, I was prevented from knowing where they were, my telephone contact was regularly restricted and he failed to return them to me as arranged on several occasions, which my children have never forgotten.

My children have grown up with a hatred of Christmas. Too many years and buckets of tears have been shed at this time of year and it has left a traumatic, indelible scar on them. His belligerent behaviour and his never-ending hatred of me and his pledge to “make me pay” for daring to leave him all those years ago has resulted in my children attending so many therapy sessions that they refused to attend any more during their teenage years.

It took me enormous courage to leave, and when I did, I received threats of self-harm from him for daring to do so. His family admitted that they knew what I was going to experience the moment I said “I do”. They experienced firsthand during his childhood and adolescence his rage, his bullying, his love of humiliating others and his intimidating behaviour. Their silence proved to be life-changing for me.

In recent years he has inflicted physical and emotional trauma on the two people he should value beyond everything else – our children – and they now have little respect and little contact with him, of their own volition. But all these years later I am to blame for that too, apparently.

There are certain things that occurred during my marriage that I will never reveal. I sat in a state between frozen and reverence listening to Hannah Clarke’s brother recount the use of control, including the demand for sex. Our most private and basic dignity can be taken away. My shame, embarrassment and humiliation still run deep. Like others, I didn’t realise what I was experiencing was domestic violence because it wasn’t physical violence, and it so slowly enveloped my entire being.

Related: Hannah Clarke's family tragedy should shut down apologists for unspeakable cruelty | Van Badham

I speak from experience when I say that the family law system is failing our children. It is failing to protect children from emotional, physical and psychological harm. It is failing to recognise the ongoing needs of children. We have had inquiry after inquiry into family law and child support, and for what? When the outcome does not provide the findings outcome that particular groups are seeking, yet another inquiry is demanded.

Surely the number of daily domestic violence callouts that police attend across Australia are a clear indicator that attitudes need to change. Why does abuse, harm and the murder of women and children scramble for attention? What could be a bigger priority?

It has taken me years to regain my confidence and inner strength and to trust my gut. The “me” I am now is a new and improved version of who I was all those years ago before I met my husband. If other women recognise parts of this story in them, please, reach out. To the community, I ask you to believe them, support them and protect them, as it takes enormous courage.

• In Australia, if you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au.

• In the UK, visit the National Domestic Abuse Helpline website here or call 0808 2000 247.

• In the US visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website here or call 1-800-799-7233.