Jesus Navas made Leo Messi bleed his own blood

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Horror! In a drastic attempt to prove that Lionel Messi is an actual human being and not an elaborate hoax, Jesus Navas stepped on his hand and drew a liquid resembling human blood during Saturday's match between Barcelona and Sevilla. A match Barcelona won 2-1 in which Messi scored the deciding goal because of course he did.

Barcelona posted close-up photographs of the incident and the trickle of crimson fluid on their official website in a gallery entitled "Another side of FC Barcelona vs Sevilla match." A feature-length film will be made about Messi's suffering.

In related news, a 35-foot maple tree has already sprouted up from the spot on the pitch where a drop of the Messi blood fell. Its syrup has been scientifically proven to cure sadness and gout.