Most Bullsh*t Things
Fresh Graduates Say
By Paolo Mariano
Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Richard Branson, Oprah Winfrey, and LeBron James. What do they have in common? Aside from having the capacity to buy our souls, they all didn’t graduate from college. Education, it’s overrated!
Sadly, 99.9% of us aren’t like them. So, we have to slog our way through the depths of hell also known as school. This month, another batch of lucky earthlings will survive college. This means, copious amounts of bullshit will be uttered anew by clueless fresh graduates (trust us, we’ve been there). It’s a yearly custom. Like hearing the words “real world” in every single graduation speech.
Valks, later, G? Fresh graduates think they can just party and get plastered everyday now that they’re not in school anymore. It’s fun but it gets old pretty quick. Like a botched boob job. It gets exhausting, especially when you’re retching squelchy nachos on the sidewalk at 3 in the morning and having colossal hangovers. Plus, you can’t afford to party everyday when you don’t have a job. Unless cheap lambanog is your poison of choice, then by all means.
Good riddance, professors!
Professors, the modern-day Satans of your school life. You hate them like Manny Pacquiao hates not quoting the Bible. You curse that they walk backwards for eternity. Now that you’ve graduated, you feel like you’re free and invincible—like Ramon Revilla in an action flick. But the truth is you’ll still need your professors even after graduation with their employment connections, especially when your job application has already been rejected 2871945 times. They seem like adorable cherubs now, don’t they?
Kita-kits pa rin tayo!
Separation anxiety is the biggest emotional obstacle for fresh graduates. Or as scholars astutely call it: sepanx. You can’t wrap your head around not seeing your classmates anymore. So what do you do? You reassure each other that you’ll still hang out frequently after graduation. Only, you won’t. Soon, you’ll prioritize sleep over yakking with your now-former classmates about Ian Veneracion. It’s sad but it’s true. You’ll inevitably forget some of your classmates. Just like all your Spanish class lessons.
I promise to repay my parents!
Aww, shucks! It’s a sweet thought—paying back your parents’ sacrifices for your education. You offer to do household chores and drive them around. You promise to help pay some of the bills. But of course, that never happens! Au contraire, you’ll just be a bigger burden in the house with your lazy ass napping all day and ransacking the refrigerator. Your parents will badger you daily and you find solace by commenting on every Thought Catalog article on Facebook.