Nigel Farage is right. Until refugees can do some honest work and hold pints down the pub all day, we can’t let them in

Once again, we must be thankful to Nigel Farage, this time for spotting what he called a “shocking invasion”.

William the Conqueror was bad enough, but this is more severe, involving a vast flotilla of a rubber dinghy and a force of an estimated seven people, making clear their intent to subdue our population with their blood-curdling warrior cry: “We are so tired, hungry, and very thirsty. My son has not eaten for five days.”

It reminds you of the tales of naval invasions told in the Greek myths, such as the story in The Odyssey that begins: “The invaders prayed to Poseidon, god of the seas, that he may will them in spirit to spare no mercy against the Persians. With fearsome menace, the mighty horde of six invaders including three toddlers clambered off a blow-up lilo onto the beach, and the emperor knelt before them to plead they spared his life if he gave them Constantinople.”

As a scholar of the Second World War, Farage must be familiar with invasions such as Pearl Harbour, when a family of seven Japanese people arrived at shore in Hawaii on a pedalo, forcing America into the war, up to D-Day, when months of meticulous planning resulted in allied forces landing a family of five at Normandy in a plastic blow-up flamingo.

If Farage had been in Nelson’s navy, he’d have stood on deck in a flat cap, peering through a telescope, occasionally screaming: “Captain, come quick.” There would be a flurry as the senior officers asked where he’d seen the French ships, and he’d reply “I haven’t been looking for French ships, but I can see four people drifting in a bathtub with an engine from an electric carving knife. Take aim and FIRE.”

It takes true leadership to spot that seven refugees in a dingy are the most potent danger a country faces. Look at what they’ve done already. They’ve only been here 12 hours and they’ve already caused the worst recession for 200 years.

Because of political correctness, we have to blame the economic downturn on no one being allowed out for three months, but look at the figures and you’ll see the people who really caused it are the three kids and their grandma who arrived at Folkestone clinging to a Tupperware dish.

For example, one sector to suffer thousands of redundancies is the airline industry, and the immigrants caused this by travelling by sea. If they’d all come on a cheap-flight budget city break to Southampton, easily bookable from Syria, instead of paying traffickers to get them across the Channel in a washing-up bowl, they might have kept the airports solvent. But no, it’s just me, me, me with these families fleeing war zones.

Many theatres face closure, with managers saying: “It’s not only the government that failed to subsidise the hospitality industry through the lockdown. That family that landed at Dover in a kettle hasn’t provided the £500m we’d need to keep us open either. Then they expect us to give them a glass of water!”

And every time they blow up their rubber dinghies, they puff out so much air, they make the wind go in funny directions which blows the virus everywhere and makes even more things shut.

So now is not the time to be soft. We can’t allow ourselves to get emotional when we see footage of a five-year-old who’s arrived on a beach after a treacherous journey, having fled a war zone in which one army was led by a dictator who gassed people, and another one was Isis. That child knew what he was doing when he had himself born there, so he can’t come crying to us now.

The people who feel some pang of feeling for this child are causing trouble. True kindness comes from telling him he’s a sponging little arse and he and his family can f*** off back because the fact his village has been burnt down is not our problem, is it?

None of this means we should be anti-immigrant. We should be pleased to accept those immigrants who are likely to contribute to society, by proving they’re prepared to show initiative and put in some graft, not the lazy ones who would rather navigate their family across the sea in a 4ft-long piece of rubber than do something useful.

When these refugees can do a bit of honest work, such as being photographed all day with a fag and a pint, or standing on a hill with a pair of binoculars, it might be worth us letting them in.

In the meantime, we should be thankful to Farage, because as soon as he told us about the shocking invasion, the government joined in with condemning it. He appears to have got to the point where the government does whatever he says, like having a superpower.

Farage should see how far he can take this. He should protest that oranges are too round these days, and watch Matt Hancock make a film in which he squashes hundreds of oranges into squares.

He could complain he’s sick and tired of the growing number of caterpillars, so Priti Patel will be seen on the news wandering through the New Forest hoovering caterpillars out of branches.

By October, saying the word “Luxembourg” will be a hate crime, and the navy will fill the channel with plugged-in toasters to electrocute anyone who tries to cross. There will also be a £50 on-the-spot fine for saying “awww” at news footage of a refugee child, and at last, Farage will be rewarded for all his hard work.

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