Aside from the fact that (at least based on the behavior I personally witness every morning on my way to work) very few of my fellow subway riders seem to qualify as “ladies” or “gentlemen” ― I’m still haunted by the memory of a man I saw this summer who nonchalantly launched a snot rocket onto the floor of a not-uncrowded C train car ― the de-gendering makes sense statistically, too.
Well, no, apparently not, according to some folks.
Unfortunately, logic and compassion are tricky subjects for many people to master. On Monday afternoon ― the beginning of Transgender Awareness Week, no less ― I found myself in the middle of a surprisingly public conversation between two Whole Foods employees who were discussing the new policy. They were outraged.
“Can you believe this bullshit?” the cashier asked the young man bagging my groceries. “It’s crazy!”
“Exactly. Why should we have to change everything just to please a few people?” he responded.
“Besides,” the cashier continued, “even if you’re a transgender [sic], you choose one or the other [male or female] anyway, don’t you?”
Unable to keep my big trap from flapping open, I welcomed myself into their discussion by pointing out that, no, not everyone “chooses one or the other,” and, as I grabbed my bags, added, “And just imagine if you weren’t a man or a woman and you had to listen to those announcements every single day of your life ― wouldn’t that suck?”
Admittedly, it may not have been the most eloquent or exhaustive defense, but in the heat of the moment, it felt sufficient. The employees looked shocked ― I think more from being called out by a customer than by my comments ― but I left the store hoping that maybe they’d reconsider what they’d just said.
As I made my way through lower Manhattan, I found myself continuing to replay the interaction over in my head and I realized that despite having said my piece, I was still angry.
Sure, it pisses me off anytime I overhear someone saying something offensive or just plain stupid about any marginalized group of people, but the thing that rubbed me the rawest and wrong-est way about these individuals’ exasperation with the new MTA policy was just how little it affects them. And because there is literally nothing at stake for them in this, it made me furious that they couldn’t approach this situation from a place of kindness or respect ― or simple bored indifference ― toward other human beings who are desperate to be granted the rare occasion to be recognized and respected exactly as they are.
It quickly became clear that it wasn’t just these Whole Foods employees who made me angry. Despite how much progress we’ve made in securing more visibility and better treatment for transgender and gender non-conforming people in this country, these individuals’ conversation was strikingly emblematic of just how far we still have to go.
Last week, responses to a blog post featured on HuffPost, “A Guide To Non-Binary Pronouns And Why They Matter,” similarly highlighted how many people appear to be unwilling to evolve ― or do the right thing ― on this issue.
In the piece, genderqueer writer Sassafras Lowrey explains using the non-binary pronouns ze/hir and why that feels right to hir. For people who use binary pronouns and may have never been confronted by language like this, it might initially strike them as unusual or ungainly or even confounding. And that’s fine. I get that. But the comments section was filled with responses like “Not going to do this. Find another way to feel special,” and “Get over yourselves. Creating a ‘sub-culture’ to claim to be the most oppressed people ever is disgusting,” and “I cannot accept this.”
Again, I’m absolutely unable to understand why someone wouldn’t simply say, “This is totally out of the realm of what I understand or am used to encountering but it’s no skin off my back to use one word in place of another, so, sure. Why not?” What drives someone to say, “I cannot accept this,” or “I will not do this” ― and especially to take the time to type out a comment saying as much in a public forum ― when they literally have nothing to lose?
There are so many things going wrong in our world right now, when we’re given the chance to do something right ― to treat another person the way they want to be treated so that they can be, even if just for a moment, happy and whole ― we should do it. End of story.
Sure, confronting the privilege we have as binary and cisgender people ― and changing how we see and understand the world to include and affirm those who are different than us ― can take time and patience and it won’t always be an effortless or instantaneous experience. And that’s fine. No one is expecting the world to transform overnight. But I am expecting people to stop being assholes and stop throwing hissy fits about subway announcements becoming more inclusive or being asked to use a different pronoun.
Pick something ― anything ― else to lose your mind over. And if you need help choosing a target worthier of your indignation, shoot me an email and I’ll be happy to send you a list.
CORRECTION: A previous version of this story misstated the percentage of millennials who identify as transgender or gender non-conforming. It is 12 percent, not 20 percent.
Also on HuffPost
1. Defining Transgenderism
The root of the word "transgender" comes from the Latin word "trans," meaning "across." A trans-Atlantic flight goes across the Atlantic Ocean; a transnational issue affects people all across the country; and so on. "Transgender" literally means "across gender." "Transgender" is defined today as an umbrella term with many different identities existing under it. Image via ccharmon on Flickr.com
2. A Few Words Of Advice
When trans people reveal their trans identity to someone, it is a highly personal moment. It takes trust and courage to talk about gender identity or gender transition. The best-case scenario is probably to: 1) ask what questions, if any, are appropriate; and 2) give the trans person an out if he or she feels like you are overstepping your bounds (even though your questions may be born of an innocent curiosity). This makes it easier for a trans person to maintain privacy and integrity.
3. The Gender Binary
The gender binary exists for easy categorization and labeling purposes. For most people, it is something that is taken for granted. Females who identify as women use the women's restroom. Males who identify as men dress in suits and ties or tuxedos for formal events. It is the way it is, and that fits well for many people. But for trans people living in a culture where the gender binary rules all, it is a daily battle. Image via kimberlykv on Flickr.com
4. Gender Expression
Out of the three terms -- "sex," "gender identity," and "gender expression" -- which do you think we notice most about people on a daily basis? If it were a person's sex, then we would have to see under that person's clothes or test his or her chromosomes (and even then we could get a conflicting report). If it were a person's gender identity, we would have to either ask that person how he or she identifies or somehow get inside the brain and find the answer for ourselves. By process of elimination, you guessed it: it's gender expression. Image via MuLaN™ on Flickr.com
5. Orientation And Gender
If we look at society as a diverse group of individuals where heterosexuality might be the most common sexual orientation but not necessarily normal, then we can more easily see that human sexual orientation varies: some people happen to be straight, some gay, some bisexual, and so on. This does not necessarily have anything to do with a person's gender identity or expression.
6. Coming Out To Oneself
Realization that one is trans can take anywhere from a few moments to several decades. Usually, trans people have an inkling early on in their lives that their assigned gender feels out of sync with their bodies. The self-realization process is extremely complicated. The human mind does its best to help us survive, which can translate into triggering intense denial. Because of societal constraints, it is common for a person to try to ignore signs pointing toward transgenderism, whether consciously or unconsciously.
7. Surgeries
Health insurance covers transgender surgeries in very few cases. Some people have fewer surgeries than they would like because of the high prices. Still other trans people elect not to have surgery at all because they simply do not want to. For a long time, and still in many places today, people refer to some transgender surgery as "sex-change" surgery. Later on came the less-harsh sounding "sex-reassignment surgery." Today, more and more people are realizing that surgery for trans people is not a gender "reassignment" but rather an affirmation of the gender that a person has always been. Gender-affirming surgery seems to be the most accurate reflection of this.
8. Hormonal Transition
For trans women, taking hormones is a two-step process. To help feminize a genetic male, it is very important to suppress production of testosterone. The other step that transgender women frequently take is the administration of estrogen, which is the chief hormone at work in biological females. Unlike their male-to-female counterparts, trans men do not have to take any estrogen-suppressing substances as part of their hormone treatments. Testosterone (called simply "T" in the female-to-male community) is a powerful hormone. The raising of testosterone levels in a trans man overpowers existing estrogen levels.
9. Transgender Children
There can't really be transgender children, can there? Kids can't know for sure how they feel when they're really young, right? Wrong. Gender identity is thought to be solidified by age 6. This does not mean that children absolutely, positively know how they identify by that age. It simply means that their gender identity is there. If it doesn't match up with the sex they were assigned at birth, then that will start to manifest itself in different ways. Image via libertygrace0 on Flickr.com
10. Sex, Gender And Nature
Many plants and animals can be both male and female, biologically speaking, at the same time or at different points in their lives. In a comparison of 34 postmortem human brains, scientists found that the part of the brain comprising a small group of nerve cells thought to pertain to gender and sexuality were similar in trans women and non-trans women. Although the study only had one trans man's brain, it found that group of nerve cells to be similar to that of a non-trans man. Perhaps Dr. Milton Diamond put it best when he said, "Biology loves variation. Biology loves differences. Society hates it."
11. Transgenderism As A Mental Health Issue
Gender identity disorder (GID) appears in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), which is the American Psychiatric Association's official diagnostic book. GID, soon to be changed to gender dysphoria in the DSM 5, is classified as a mental health condition in which a person desires to be the "opposite" sex of that assigned to him or her at birth. Due to its criteria, many trans people fall under this diagnosis. Update: The latest edition of the mental health manual used by psychiatrists to diagnose disorders reveals a change in thinking on gender identity. The perspective change is similar to a decision made in 1973, when the American Psychiatric Association eliminated homosexuality from its disorders' list. See more here.
12. The Bathroom Debacle
Imagine resigning yourself to not ever using the bathroom in a public place. For trans people, this is often a reality. Those who are in transition or do not pass on the outside as "clearly male" or "clearly female" are thrown out of both men's and women's restrooms on a daily basis. Some places provide "unisex" or "family" restrooms, but the majority do not. If a transperson wants to go out and enjoy a concert, sporting event, or simply a day outside the home, he or she must make concessions that most people never have to think about.
13. Lesser-Known Types Of Transgenderism: Genderqueerism
People often find the notion of genderqueerism difficult to understand. They may hear that a genderqueer person is in between male and female, or is neither, but they may continue to ask, "OK, so what sex or gender does that make them, really?" This is where it is perhaps most difficult to live as a genderqueer person. The constant explanations that sometimes get nowhere can be frustrating and disheartening for genderqueer people.
14. Transgender By The Numbers
Unfortunately there is no major consensus on the number of transgender people in the United States or the world today. Hard-and-fast statistics are lacking for a couple of reasons. One is that many trans people are not out and are either living as trans behind closed doors or living stealthily, meaning that people do not know that they were born differently than they appear now. Another reason for the lack of statistics is that so many different varieties of transgenderism fall under the umbrella term that it is hard to discern which subcategories should actually be statistically counted as transgender and which should not.
15. Parting Words
In America we have seen that teenage suicide because of bullying has reached epidemic proportions. Many of these kids are LGBT, and most of them are taunted due to some component of their gender expression. I hope that you will talk to others about what you have learned about transgenderism. No one should have to suffer because of who he or she is, but we know that reality tells us differently. People have been bullied and persecuted for who they are since the dawn of time. But we are not defenseless. The more education that is out there about what is means to be different, the better.
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