The Seven Shades of Red – which are you?

By Alywin Chew

I once thought that Pulau Tekong was where young Singaporean men got to open their eyes to the world and meet people from all walks of life.

Well, I’ve changed my mind. Basic Military Training Centre can take a backseat.

The comments section of the Internet is now the place to be if you want to learn how fascinatingly diverse (and ridiculous) humankind can be.

The best time to be in the comments section is, as I’ve recently figured out, a few hours after Liverpool drop points in the league, like on Tuesday morning (Singapore time), when they lost 0-1 to Southampton.

After spending an inordinate amount of time scrolling through the comments sections of multiple websites and social media platforms, I have concluded that there are generally seven types of Liverpool fans out there.

The Rational (hit the LIKE button)

Aiyah, relax lah. Every team hits a speed bump in form! Besides, the lads are just exhausted because there was a barely a break between last season and the current one.

We’ve also just started getting players like Thiago Alcantara and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain back in the team, so they’re obviously still rusty. Give them some time and we’ll be roaring back to form. What we should do now is buy an experienced center-back to firm things up at the back.

The return of Diogo Jota will also do wonders for our attack!

The Fanatic (hit the HEART button)

We played well tonight but lost because of dubious refereeing decisions. Come on, ref, that was clearly handball – why were we not awarded a penalty? Also, I’m seriously sick and tired of seeing other teams park the bus against our side. This is football. You think what? Playing Tower Defence ah?

To all of you whining about this defeat, go support another team. True fans stand with the club no matter the result! Klopp is the chosen one and he will lead us to the title this season. Believe in our German Messiah!

We have always come back stronger after a defeat. I know we will.

Come on, sing with me now, “When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high, and don't ...”

The Backseat Boy (hit the HUG button)

Why on earth would Jurgen Klopp play Jordan Henderson in defence? It’s obvious that the German is losing it.

Curtis Jones has been phenomenal in midfield – why choose Thiago Alcantara over him? Why use just two subs when we’re chasing an equaliser? Why did you not bring on Divock Origi? We could’ve used his energy and physique up front!

We need to buy not one but TWO central defenders this month. Let Fabinho play in midfield. Sell Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain – my grandmother can play better football than him. It’s also time to buy a striker of Robert Lewandowski’s ilk so that we have a target man up front. In fact, let’s give Andy Carroll a second chance at becoming a Liverpool legend.

It’s high time to mix up our playing style. This whole gegenpressing nonsense isn’t working anymore!

We need to play 3-2-3-2 when we take on Man United at Anfield. That’s the only formation that will work!

The Manchester United Antagonist (hit the LAUGH button)

All you Man United losers are hilarious, celebrating this Liverpool loss as if you guys have won the league. Mark my words, you’re going to get humbled by Burnley in the league before getting walloped by us at Anfield on 18 January.

You’re second in the league because you got lucky with Bruno Fernandes. Better go prepare for a relegation battle when he gets injured!

Do you clowns seriously think you can win the league this season? Come on, look at the state of your team – there’s zero depth and quality. The fact that you have to play Fred in midfield shows how laughable your squad is. I reckon you’re more likely to win the Chinese New Year TOTO jackpot than see United win the Premiership!

The Bomoh (hit the WOW button)

I saw this loss coming. You see, Liverpool used up all their mojo in that 7-0 thrashing of Crystal Palace. The heavy rainfall we have experienced here in Singapore has also washed away our luck.

All we can do is to wait for the stars to align again. This alignment won’t take place until after the big derby against Manchester United. That being said, we won’t lose that match if we make a sacrificial offering to the Football Gods in the form of an injury to a player.

I wouldn’t mind seeing Thiago Alcantara injured again. That bugger only knows how to pass the ball sideways.

The Pessimist (hit the SAD button)

I knew it. We were always the pretenders that got lucky last season. Liverpool will always revert to its true calling – mediocrity. We have drawn SIX games this season, the second highest in the league.

Last night’s result against the Saints was typical of Liverpool. We fielded a strong team and still only managed one shot on goal. Sad. Weak. Average.

I know many fans don’t want to admit this, but we are going to end up as one-hit wonders. The next title will probably take us another 30 years to win. Oh, Liverpool, you never fail to break my heart.

I know Man United are going to beat us to the trophy. I can’t handle the heartbreak when that happens. I think I should go support Lion City Sailors instead.

The #KloppOut Fan (hit the ANGRY button)

I’ve said this before but none of you deluded fans believed me – Klopp is a fraudster! Off with his head!

Look, Liverpool have now gone 258 minutes in the league without scoring. This is preposterous, especially for a team with our pedigree. And we registered just one shot on goal against Southampton. ONE! Shameful!

Come on, Klopp. Stop being a one-trick pony. You jolly well know that weaker teams are going to park the bus, so why insist on taking the counterattack approach? What’s the point of hanging back and waiting for them to attack when are happy to sit back and take the draw?

This result has proven how clueless you are as a manager. Get out of my club! Bring back King Kenny!

This article, “The Seven Shades of Red – which are you?”, originally appeared on Football Siao – Singapore’s craziest EPL website.