Single in Kuala Lumpur

By Lyana Khairuddin

This Chinese New Year, as always, I have been cheekily asking my married friends for ang pows. While I unabashedly love this tradition, it also highlights the fact that at 33 years old, I am beginning to be considered too old to receive ang pows and may have to look at a future as a cat lady.

The fact that this year, Valentine’s Day is a mere seven days away from the first day of the Lunar New Year only aggravates this point.

With an estimated population of 1.7 million, it might be an exaggeration to claim that there is little chance for me and other singles to find our life partners in Kuala Lumpur. Nonetheless, from observation among personal friends, being single is beginning to be a trend. Perhaps we are turning into a modern, metropolitan city after all?

One of the biggest challenges of being liberal, Malay, a feminist and Muslim in this city is the delicate process of dating. There are mobile dating applications, with the most popular being Tinder and OkCupid, while speed dating events happen regularly. In addition, there are also well-intentioned relatives and friends who would often play matchmakers.

I attended a Halal Speed Dating event last year to mixed reviews. Initially, I just wanted to show support to friends who organised the event although, admittedly, I could not deny the anxious possibility of being surprised with a potential love story. After all, I am a romantic.

Following the event, I learnt that society does tend to align ourselves into boxes. Due to the name itself, the event attracted mainly Muslims with a sole non-Muslim man in attendance.

Unlike other speed dating events that served more like a social mixer, Halal Speed Dating requires attendees to bring a chaperone, and have the intention of marriage. Attendees were not encouraged to exchange contact information or personal details. A slight controversy arose when the event seemed to include those seeking a polygamous marriage.

Nonetheless, the initiative can be seen as a platform to encourage singles to mix and get to know each other under the watchful eye of a relative or friend, without any possibilities for hanky-panky.

I did not find a match or potential suitor at the event, and at the time of writing, I could not find statistics on its success rate. I was then introduced to Tinder by well-meaning girlfriends, two of whom had met their future husbands through it but cautioned me on the promiscuity that the app is famous for.

Apparently that has been my downfall so far – I am too loyal when it comes to dating. Tinder allows many instant connections and the ability to sift through potential friends, friends with benefits, or future lovers. I found the connections to be too superficial as the selection, by swiping left or right, is based only on a glimpse of the person’s profile.

Following the complex heartbreak and end of relationships, first with an activist and then a lawyer, in the years that I have been living in Kuala Lumpur, I resolved to make 2016 a year of making amends with being single.

I deleted all dating apps off my phone, swore not to contact crushes and ex-es, and embarked on a journey of self-realisation.

Today, a month or so in, I find that I can survive being single in Kuala Lumpur. The city offers me opportunities to support myself financially, emotionally, and socially.

I find it easy to be lost among the crowd at art galleries or the many events held every week around the city. The countless hipster cafés around allow me to dine alone without feeling too out of place. I am able to get an Uber or taxi to drive me home after late nights out with friends. I have my love for running, and other hobbies and books to keep me company. Celibacy is not a bad thing, after all.

I hope to continue this exercise until the end of the year, and many more years after that. It would be my one resolution to keep!

I won’t deny that I do worry and fear being alone when I am older. That is only human. A sound financial plan that includes health and life insurance, and care at an old folks’ home is thus in order. I hope to still be running and engaged in work, both professionally and as social work, until my twilight years.

I think that there should no longer be any stigma about being single. People of all genders and sexuality should be able to choose whether to be on our own or in relationships.

There should be tax breaks for singles! Infrastructure and institutional assistance should include those living alone, in addition to societal support in the form of community engagements and geriatric care.

I look forward to making friends with myself in the coming years, and listen to more Adele. In the meantime, I will continue to have fun asking for ang pows from married friends during Chinese New Year.

Lyana Khairuddin is a scientist who works in the field of HIV & HPV, and remains a naïve optimist in Malaysia.