How soon is too soon to have sex when dating someone new?
I’ve heard stories of people who don’t shave their legs (or other body parts) as a way to refrain from engaging in sex on the first date. Their discomfort or embarrassment about body hair keeps them from making a "mistake" and having sex "too early."
I don't think that body hair is anything to be ashamed of, but I do believe that having boundaries around when you want to have sex (however you choose to define it) is important.
A lot of people feel a sense of discomfort or shame when talking about sex because of social expectations, because they feel judged by others or because they are uncomfortable or unhappy about the decisions they have made in the past.
How soon is too soon to have sex with someone?
The question is really about when it's the right time for you. When thinking about when you should have sex, here are a couple of things to consider:
Worldview: Do you believe that sex is sacred? Would you like to wait for marriage? Is there a religious or spiritual context you need to remember when making this decision? If yes, ensure that your beliefs (whatever they might be) and your actions align.
Motivation: Regardless of when you choose to have sex, it can be helpful to reflect on your motivation. People are motivated to have sex for many reasons: revenge, sadness, loneliness, horniness, curiosity, escapism, connection and longing (to name a few). Whatever motivates you to have sex, ask yourself if you want that emotion or belief to dictate your life. If the answer is yes, you are more likely to feel good about your decision.
Experience: A lot of life is just trial and error. If you’ve had sex before, you might have a clear idea of what worked for you and what didn’t. It can be helpful to pay attention to our sexual history and see what lessons we can take away. Was there a sexual experience that felt “too soon”? Why do you think that is?
Preference: Do you like having sex with someone you don't know very well (adds mystery and thrill)? Do you need to feel emotionally safe before enjoying sex with someone? Do you want to be committed before engaging in any sexual activity? Whatever your answer is, this will determine your comfort level and boundaries.
What you should really be asking yourself about sex
Make sure you feel secure in your decision – emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. And let's keep in mind that the other person or people involved need to consent and be on the same page.
Often, the question of "when should I have sex?" is code for "when can I have sex without feeing bad or being judged for it?" In reality, it should be, "when am I ready and what will heighten my chances of having a meaningful, fun or authentic experience?"
As you are thinking about your boundaries around sex, here are some questions to reflect on:
What are your considerations before having sex with someone?
What does sex mean to you?
What have you been taught about sex?
What does your sexual history tell you?
What is your motivation for wanting to have sex?
What precautions can you take to feel (fill in the blank with the way you want to feel) about this interaction?
What is your boundary around sex based on? (e.g. time, frequency of dates, feelings for the person, beliefs)
Are you postponing or initiating sex only because that's what you think the other person wants?
More on sex and relationships
More: How do I tell my partner I don’t feel like having sex?
Read next: 8 signs your significant other is having an affair
Triangulation: What is it and how do you stop it from ruining your relationship?
Are you looking for sex or intimacy? There's a difference.
It's a fine line: What does it mean if my partner is looking at racy pictures on social media?
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Sex advice: How soon is too soon before I sleep with someone new?
