How to be a stay-at-home parent and not lose your mind
One of the biggest challenges many parents face today is juggling work and family. For us, the tough decision was whether it would be better for one of us to stay home and care for the kids instead of going to work. In our family, Mummy has been on both ends of the spectrum – as a working mum with one child when we had our firstborn (nicknamed Barnacles) who is now 4.5 years old; and as a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM) after our now 20-month-old (nicknamed Kwazii) was born.
As working parents, one of the biggest challenges we found was the lack of time with our child. We were thankful to have help from grandparents for childcare, but days were mostly a mad rush. We thus made the decision for one of us to stay home for a longer period after Kwazii was born. We did have concerns that we shared in a previous post, but definitely no regrets.
Over the last 20 months, one of our key observations is that as a working parent, it is mainly mental stress at work, while having to juggle family and kids in the evenings. On the flip side, the challenges faced by a SAHM are more physically exhausting, as there is barely any time to take a break. At work, a lunch break can be relaxing but with kids, there is no such thing as a leisurely lunch.
If you are a fellow parent and trying to decide whether to stay at home with the kids or head to work, or you’re already a stay-home parent and wonder how others manage, here are our few points to share:
1. Think about what works best for you. Every individual has a different affinity and while some flourish with the kids as a stay-home parent, others may drive themselves nuts being with kids all day. Being in the workplace for part of the day works better as they can be fully present with the kids upon reaching home, after a day away. Ultimately, both have their pros and cons and what is most important is to make a decision that you are most at peace with.
2. Split the work. A marriage is called a partnership for a reason. We do not have a helper so everything is done on our own, and this is how we ‘divide and conquer’ in the mornings. Mummy usually preps the kids’ breakfast while Daddy quickly vacuums the floor (we can’t recommend the Dyson cordless vacuum enough for quick clean-ups). Either one of us bathes the kids and dresses them before we head off to school and work.
3. Make household chores fun. Our 20-month-old finds it great fun to run in and out of the clothes when they are being hung up, or taken down when dry. We create a guessing game as to whose clothes they are, and he will point to clothes and shout ‘Daddy!’ He even runs in and out of the room when we are putting the clothes away, to ‘help’ keep them. This makes chores slightly less mundane.
4. Accept that something has got to give. It is not humanly possible to give 100 per cent in all areas – cooking a good meal, doing laundry and housework, and taking care of the kids. For us, the priority is always the kids. We definitely don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight, but the house does get a little messy most of the time. We usually make simple homemade food for the kids (and order some dishes from a healthy toddler caterer), but usually buy takeaway food for ourselves.
5. Take the kids out. For us, it can often get claustrophobic staying at home day after day, and time passes much faster when outside. If you’re on a budget, there are many free activities for kids (like a walk in the Botanic Gardens, checking out a playground, or even just letting the kids expend some energy in the shopping malls).
6. Take time for ‘me’ time. A tired, stressed-out parent is always more snappy and grumpy. It is just as important to care for yourself as it is to care for the kids. Sometimes, when it seems like you have no time at all, that is the time when it is even more essential. Even if it is just for an hour to kick back and relax while someone else watches the children, it is an important break to take. Even going on a grocery shopping break – alone for a change – sometimes feels like heaven.
7. If all else fails, ignore the kids… for a while. If you’re at the end of your tether, sometimes it is you as a parent who needs a timeout. A recent incident for us was when our 20-month-old refused to sleep at bedtime for two hours. We finally left him in his room (safely), closed the door and let him scream and cry, while we went about settling other household matters. After 20 minutes that felt like forever, Daddy this time entered the room to calm things down. We’re sure many of us have been there at one point or another. So, when it feels like your patience has reached its limit, leave the kids alone safely, take a deep breath and a time out for yourself.
Whether you are a parent working full time, part time or have made the decision to stay at home to care for the kids, take heart in the fact that fellow parents are all doing a similar juggling act. What we each need to do is decide which juggling balls are the most important, and more crucially, make sure we do not have too many in order to avoid dropping any.
Mummy and Daddy Daycare are the pseudonyms of a Singaporean husband and wife who are raising two young boys aged four and one, nicknamed Barnacles and Kwazii from the children’s Octonauts series. Get into the minds of this couple who describe parenthood as a lifetime adventure – you are always learning something new! Whoever said parenting was a walk in the park?
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