This Week in Weird News:
Pizza is Being Dipped in Milk
Because People Are Terrible
By Kevin Christian L. Santos
Hey weird team! February’s cold spell went by super-fast and the summer heat is now encroaching. We were just proudly wearing our jackets and sweaters out during the day a few weeks ago, and now we have to deal with the threat of our singits getting sweaty and swampy. Such is life.
As the weather heats up, the weirdness starts rolling in. The weather might have something to do with triggering batshit-insanity in the world, with stuff like:
1. Woman wants surgery because her vagina looks like a “Big Mac”
A woman subjected to constant bullying by men has undergone surgery. Why? Because as she describes it, she has a vagina that looks like a “Big Mac with the filling hanging out.”
Appearing on the BBC documentary “My Unusual Vagina” (yes, that show exists), Antonia explains she has fear of having sex because her vagina does not look appealing enough and that her enlarged labia has caused her discomfort.
Antonia has to deal with such comments like “I can’t wait to sleep with someone with a normal vagina” and “you’ve got a pair of balls.” Big talk, considering nutsacks aren’t exactly the most breath-taking thing to look at. The barrage of insults women have to go through is uncanny.
Meanwhile, we’re going to have a salad for the rest of our lives.
2. Jesus is on Tinder, and he’s your dating savior
Jesus is back and he’s here to save you from your dating woes. He has risen…in Tinder of all places. His profile pic even shows him turning water into wine.
Jesus is also pretty smooth in the DMs:
The Huffington Post recently published a short interview they had with Tinder Jesus and it’s worth checking out. He says he loves everybody and doesn’t have a particular type. However, he said the best date he had was with a woman who was hurling puns at him in character.
Swipe right if you need Jesus in you.
3. Steve from “Blues Clues” made a song for kids about pooping
Ever wondered what happened to Steve from “Blue’s Clues?” The internet can be a cruel place and it was widely speculated that he died of a drug overdose. Well, he’s very much alive, and even goes by the Twitter handle @SteveBurnsAlive. So what happened?
Steve’s reasons for departure was that he was getting older, and to pursue a music career. In fact, he just released his new kids album “Foreverywhere”. One of the songs on the album is titled “OK Toilet Bowl” and it’s about…pooping in the toilet.
In the song, Steve drops knowledge bombs such as “did you know that your poop is mostly made out of water, and so are you!” Did you also know that eating beets can turn your poop red? Steve also sings about how he’s proud of the poop he’s made, and he even has time to include a poo haiku in the song.
Thanks for giving us the courage to poo, Steve. We missed you.
4. Doctors say taking marijuana up your butt instead of smoking it is better because science
In “Y tho” news, doctors are saying that taking weed up your ass is much more effective than smoking it.
Speaking to the National Post, medical director of the Center for Integrative Medicine at George Washington University in Washington, D.C. Mikhail Kogan says it’s difficult to absorb marijuana through the lungs. Gastric acids also interfere with it, so eating magic brownies isn’t also the most effective way. He says taking it through your rectum absorbs more marijuana compared to other methods. He further adds, “We have so many other products now, so many modes of delivery that smoking in my opinion is very archaic and has very little clinical applicability.”
Rectal cannabis suppositories haven’t been very popular, because OBVIOUSLY. Still, that didn’t stop Rod Stewart from taking cocaine up his ass, because he didn’t want to damage his nasal passages. OBVIOUSLY. And yes, THAT Rod Stewart.