22 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Aug. 29 - Sept. 11)

Kelsey Borresen

11 September 2023 at 6:20 pm·4-min read

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life. Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 22 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

Husbands be like, “I have something really important to tell you” and then tell you your butt looks good.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 1, 2023

Husbands be like, “I have something really important to tell you” and then tell you your butt looks good.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 1, 2023 ">

Me: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!?!??!?!!!

Wife: [already pulling out of driveway]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 7, 2023

Me: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!?!??!?!!!

Wife: [already pulling out of driveway]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 7, 2023 ">

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) September 2, 2023

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) September 2, 2023 ">

Came home after running a ton of errands and told my husband about all of it, even to the last insignificant detail, and now I think I have officially morphed into my mom.
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) September 5, 2023

Came home after running a ton of errands and told my husband about all of it, even to the last insignificant detail, and now I think I have officially morphed into my mom.
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) September 5, 2023 ">

Husband: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it annoy you when I...

Me: 10
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) September 4, 2023

Husband: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it annoy you when I...

Me: 10
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) September 4, 2023 ">

I was putting a grocery bag on our bathroom trash when my husband came in and told me to go buy the little trash bags because we can actually afford them. You guys, we made it! We're rich!
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 31, 2023

I was putting a grocery bag on our bathroom trash when my husband came in and told me to go buy the little trash bags because we can actually afford them. You guys, we made it! We're rich!
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 31, 2023 ">

When my wife says “So I was thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re either moving or starting another home reno project.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 30, 2023

When my wife says “So I was thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re either moving or starting another home reno project.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 30, 2023 ">

My husband is calling for an end to the strike because he is sick of me not having a set schedule
— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) September 4, 2023

My husband is calling for an end to the strike because he is sick of me not having a set schedule
— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) September 4, 2023 ">

I'm so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) September 11, 2023

I'm so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) September 11, 2023 ">

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 31, 2023

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 31, 2023 ">

The next phase of a happy marriage begins when you get a king-sized bed.
— Schmuck Ado About Nothing (@SchmuckOnAHorse) September 1, 2023

The next phase of a happy marriage begins when you get a king-sized bed.
— Schmuck Ado About Nothing (@SchmuckOnAHorse) September 1, 2023 ">

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 31, 2023

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 31, 2023 ">

We’re going to need to go to Costco

-flirting with your spouse in your forties
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 30, 2023

We’re going to need to go to Costco

-flirting with your spouse in your forties
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 30, 2023 ">

"Will you tell the dogs to come inside? I would but they don't really recognize my authority."

My adult man husband
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 6, 2023

"Will you tell the dogs to come inside? I would but they don't really recognize my authority."

My adult man husband
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 6, 2023 ">

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 11, 2023

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 11, 2023 ">

Me, planning something with friends: If anyone has a free night 3 months from now, we should do dinner.

Husband, planning something with friends: I’m getting a tree cut down tomorrow if anyone wants to come over.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 31, 2023

Me, planning something with friends: If anyone has a free night 3 months from now, we should do dinner.

Husband, planning something with friends: I’m getting a tree cut down tomorrow if anyone wants to come over.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 31, 2023 ">

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) August 29, 2023

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) August 29, 2023 ">

When I want to live on the edge I drink coffee out of my wife's favorite coffee mug.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 1, 2023

When I want to live on the edge I drink coffee out of my wife's favorite coffee mug.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 1, 2023 ">

Went on a family hike because my husband promised me coffee and cake at the end, and you know what? It was just like childbirth, once I had the coffee and cake I forgot how awful the hiking part was.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 10, 2023

Went on a family hike because my husband promised me coffee and cake at the end, and you know what? It was just like childbirth, once I had the coffee and cake I forgot how awful the hiking part was.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 10, 2023 ">

My husband is irrationally afraid of using the air fryer.
— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) August 31, 2023

My husband is irrationally afraid of using the air fryer.
— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) August 31, 2023 ">

My Gay Vet: That is the fanciest cat stroller I have ever seen.

Me: Thank you! My wife got it for me for my birthday. How else will everyone know I’m the dominant neighborhood lesbian?

My Gay Vet: Oh, I think they could figure it out.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 8, 2023

My Gay Vet: That is the fanciest cat stroller I have ever seen.

Me: Thank you! My wife got it for me for my birthday. How else will everyone know I’m the dominant neighborhood lesbian?

My Gay Vet: Oh, I think they could figure it out.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 8, 2023 ">

Me and my wife's secret code when we want to leave a party is "Holy shit, are you ready to leave?"
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 8, 2023

Related...

The Independent
Victoria Beckham first slept with David ‘hours after meeting Prince Charles’
‘Thereafter, she said, Beckham was ‘a total animal’ in bed,’ the biography claims
Cosmopolitan
Katy Perry Went Topless in Nothing But Ripped Tights and an Open Jacket at PFW
Katy Perry went topless in nothing but ripped tights and an open jacket during Paris Fashion Week.
The Independent
Boy, 14, was held down and hacked to death at Wyoming mall while he tried to protect his girlfriend
Dominique Antonio Richard Harris and Jarreth Plunkett, both 15, are accused of murdering 14-year-old Bobby Maher during fatal attack
The Telegraph
‘This wasn’t a debate, it was a medical emergency’: Our writers give their verdicts
Follow the latest reaction in our live blog
Associated Press
Indonesia detains 103 Taiwanese in a raid in Bali involving suspected cybercrime
Indonesian immigration authorities have detained 103 Taiwanese people after a raid at a villa on the resort island of Bali, officials said Friday. Godam said Indonesian authorities cannot charged them with conducting cybercrime.
AFP News
As ice melts, Everest's 'death zone' gives up its ghosts
On Everest's sacred slopes, climate change is thinning snow and ice, increasingly exposing the bodies of hundreds of mountaineers who died chasing their dream to summit the world's highest mountain.Sherpa said that bringing one body down from close to Lhotse's 8,516 metre peak -- the world's fourth-highest mountain -- had been among the hardest challenges so far.
Twentytwo13
Malaysians on tenterhooks after Johor Regent takes on Selangor Sultan in public domain
The football drama in Malaysia has reached fever-pitch, with the spotlight now on the Johor and Selangor palaces. The post Malaysians on tenterhooks after Johor Regent takes on Selangor Sultan in public domain appeared first on Twentytwo13.
The Independent
‘I really don’t know what he said – and I don’t think he does either’: Trump pulls no punches as Biden struggles in debate
The first debate began with Biden spluttering and tripping over his own words, while Trump rambled
CNN
China expels two former defense ministers from Communist Party as military purge deepens
China on Thursday expelled its former Defense Minister Li Shangfu from the ruling Communist Party over corruption allegations, state broadcaster CCTV reported, eight months after he was dramatically removed from the post.
Associated Press Videos
Three bodies found inside crater at summit of Mount Fuji
Three bodies were found at the summit of Mount Fuji, Japan’s most famous mountain. One of the bodies had been brought down from the slopes but efforts to bring back the two other bodies were set to continue Friday or later, according to officials after a search was called off for Thursday because of forecasts for heavy rainfall.
The Telegraph
South Korea is running out of children – and this country could be next
Every spring, when warm rays of sunshine herald the start of South Korea’s baking summer, fountains across Seoul’s central Gwanghwamun plaza suddenly burst into life, sending cooling jets of water into the air.
Hello!
Elizabeth Hurley sets pulses racing in racy strapless bikini
Elizabeth Hurley never fails to impress with an unbelievable bikini photo and she didn't disappoint on Sunday when she donned a strapless number. See photo.
SETHLUI.COM
4 hours to heaven: 10 short trips to take from Singapore
The post 4 hours to heaven: 10 short trips to take from Singapore appeared first on SETHLUI.com.
South China Morning Post
Chinese teen in Alibaba maths finals sparks awe, controversy after beating MIT students
Alibaba Group Holding's annual global maths contest finished on Saturday with all eyes on a 17-year-old vocational school student who has bested hundreds of competitors from prestigious universities such as the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Stanford University and Tsinghua University, generating intense interest and speculation online. The Alibaba Global Mathematics Competition, which has been hosted by Alibaba's Damo Academy annually for the past six years, except 2019, held the finals
INSIDER
China says it picked up a submarine detector dropped by a US Navy aircraft in the South China Sea
A video shared by Chinese state media shows a US Navy plane dropping something into the sea. China called it a submarine detector.
SETHLUI.COM
Owners of private diner with 2 years waitlist open curry mee stall at Havelock Food Centre
The post Owners of private diner with 2 years waitlist open curry mee stall at Havelock Food Centre appeared first on SETHLUI.com.
Associated Press Finance
China calls on scientists of all nations to study lunar samples, but notes obstacle with the US
China's space officials said Thursday they welcomed scientists from around the world to apply to study the lunar rock samples that the Chang'e 6 probe brought back to Earth in a historic mission, but noted there were limits to that cooperation, specifically with the United States. Officials said at a televised news conference in Beijing meant to introduce the mission's achievements that any cooperation with the U.S. would be hinged on removing an American law that bans direct bilateral cooperation with NASA. "The source of the obstacle in US-China aerospace cooperation is still in the Wolf Amendment,” said Bian Zhigang, vice chair of the China National Space Administration.
Hello!
Rita Ora has coined it an itsy bitsy bikini summer once again
Rita Ora just made a case for heatwave dressing in a skimpy bikini. See photos
Evening Standard
Georgia 2-0 Portugal: Famous win sends Georgians into Euro 2024 last-16 as England get Slovakia
Khvicha Kvaratskhelia and Georges Mikautadze score on historic day in Gelsenkirchen
Time
China’s 7-Foot-3 Teen Basketballer Goes Viral
Standing taller than any WNBA player ever, Zhang Ziyu has been called a “cheat code” and drawn comparisons to China’s basketball legend Yao Ming.

Husbands be like, “I have something really important to tell you” and then tell you your butt looks good.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 1, 2023 ">

Me: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!?!??!?!!!Wife: [already pulling out of driveway]— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 7, 2023 ">

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer LawrenceI don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) September 2, 2023 ">

Came home after running a ton of errands and told my husband about all of it, even to the last insignificant detail, and now I think I have officially morphed into my mom.— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) September 5, 2023 ">

Husband: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it annoy you when I...Me: 10— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) September 4, 2023 ">

I was putting a grocery bag on our bathroom trash when my husband came in and told me to go buy the little trash bags because we can actually afford them. You guys, we made it! We're rich!— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 31, 2023 ">

When my wife says “So I was thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re either moving or starting another home reno project.— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 30, 2023 ">

My husband is calling for an end to the strike because he is sick of me not having a set schedule— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) September 4, 2023 ">

I'm so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) September 11, 2023 ">

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 31, 2023 ">

The next phase of a happy marriage begins when you get a king-sized bed.— Schmuck Ado About Nothing (@SchmuckOnAHorse) September 1, 2023 ">

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 31, 2023 ">

We’re going to need to go to Costco-flirting with your spouse in your forties— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 30, 2023 ">

"Will you tell the dogs to come inside? I would but they don't really recognize my authority."My adult man husband— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 6, 2023 ">

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 11, 2023 ">

Me, planning something with friends: If anyone has a free night 3 months from now, we should do dinner. Husband, planning something with friends: I’m getting a tree cut down tomorrow if anyone wants to come over.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 31, 2023 ">

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”Me, the invisible duster: ok— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) August 29, 2023 ">

When I want to live on the edge I drink coffee out of my wife's favorite coffee mug.— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 1, 2023 ">

Went on a family hike because my husband promised me coffee and cake at the end, and you know what? It was just like childbirth, once I had the coffee and cake I forgot how awful the hiking part was.— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 10, 2023 ">

My husband is irrationally afraid of using the air fryer.— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) August 31, 2023 ">

My Gay Vet: That is the fanciest cat stroller I have ever seen. Me: Thank you! My wife got it for me for my birthday. How else will everyone know I’m the dominant neighborhood lesbian?My Gay Vet: Oh, I think they could figure it out.— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 8, 2023 ">