28 Funny Tweets Accurately Summing Up Life With 5-Year-Olds
Oh to be five years old again – an age of abundant self-confidence; many, many questions; and an intense need to be heard and listened to AT ALL TIMES (which is fair enough, really).
Parents and caregivers have been sharing exactly what it’s like to be in the presence of such greatness – and needless to say, the results are pretty hilarious. And also sometimes, well, brutal.
In our honest opinion, five-year-olds should definitely be put in charge of everything everywhere.
1.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are "apple button jeans, boots with the brrr" and then he does a little shiver
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 14, 2023
2.
You know you're too heavy. You will break that.
-my 5yo giving me a complex.— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) November 14, 2023
3.
Just spent the last several minutes talking my 5yo out of a temporary face tattoo. A nice little glimpse into the future.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 12, 2023
4.
My 5yo just asked me where the sun came from. Uh… 😳🙃😅🧐
— Alli Girl 💁🏼♀️ (@AlliAlliG) November 9, 2023
5.
Thoughts and prayers for my 5yo who’s distraught because the hoodie he wants to wear has a hood
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 13, 2022
6.
5YO: guys I packed my own lunch for tomorrow
The lunch: pic.twitter.com/aaXx9cTuV3— ~Life With The E Sisters~ (@thatokmom) November 13, 2023
7.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 7, 2023
8.
A chat with my 5yo grandson went from bathroom wipes to the age of our houses to the fact that he was inside his mom's womb to his asking, "But how did the first people get here?" and then catapulting into "How did the whole universe get here?"
Whew, I was not prepared for that.— Penny Walker (@Auntpeso) November 13, 2023
9.
I drew a picture, but my 5yo finished the faces before I could. And the effect is....haunting pic.twitter.com/dZL7b5x5gS
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) December 3, 2022
10.
My 5yo told me he loves me more than dinosaurs, but he's not sure between Godzilla and me, so guess I'll count that as a win
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 13, 2023
11.
This morning my 5yo gave me "prizes" -- anything I want in the whole house! -- for doing the following things:
~ Frying myself 2 eggs (delicious)
~ "Guessing" what she was doing (a puzzle)
~ Putting honey and eggs on my toast (I guess she just appreciates breakfast innovation)— Jeremy, Collector of Parks (@JeremyWingert79) November 14, 2023
12.
My 5yo keeps loudly informing people we paid "𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙍𝙏𝙔 𝙀𝙄𝙂𝙃𝙏 𝙃𝙐𝙉𝘿𝙍𝙀𝘿 𝘿𝙊𝙇𝙇𝘼𝙍𝙎 and 99 cents" for our Christmas tree.
We did not.— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 26, 2022
13.
My 5yo asked me to come to her “restaurant.” Thought we were playing pretend. I got the special & ate the best make believe sandwich. She told me it was 1 dollar. I went to hand her my invisible $$$ & baby girl said, “no go get me some real cash”
I wanna speak to the manager 😩— Eunique Jones Gibson (@eunique) November 12, 2021
14.
We visited my dad at the care home and my 5yo asked one of the residents her name. She said she didn’t know so he said “I’ll call you Stella, I like that name and you can be my best friend”. 5 carried on chatting and his new best friend didn’t stop smiling
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 31, 2022
15.
Asked my 5yo if she wanted a pic with Santa. She laughed and said she is not into pics with “random dudes.”
Boundaries.— Megan Gaucher (@GaucherMeg) December 11, 2021
16.
We’re talking to my 5yo about her upcoming baptism, and as my husband mentions Jesus, she pipes up and shouts, “HE’S A ZOMBIE!”
I fear this baptism won’t take.— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 18, 2022
17.
Whenever I have a dispute with my 5yo he points at this drawing over my desk and says, ‘Who made that for you?’ to remind me he can take it away at any time. pic.twitter.com/H6hmPsJbqw
— Luke Kennard (@LukeKennard) August 4, 2020
18.
Took my girls to see Little Mermaid.
When King Trident realizes Ariel is gone and says, “What have I done?” my 5yo said, at top volume in a silent theatre, “You didn’t do anything, that girl just don’t listen!”
🤦🏻♀️🤣— Stacy Buxton Mitchell (@stacybmitchell) May 28, 2023
19.
Meanwhile, during my children's baptism into the Catholic church ...
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.— Mary Morris (@mary_loquacious) November 7, 2022
20.
5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”
Reader, his name is HARVEY.— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023
21.
Interviewer: Why is there a 6-month gap in your resume?
Me: My 5yo was telling a story— The Dad (@thedad) November 10, 2022
22.
There is a petite, blonde 5yo in my yard with her hands on her hips, yelling at my 7- and 10-yo boys to BE AFRAID OF ME BECAUSE I AM A WOLF!!!! and I have decided this is the energy I am taking into the week
— Anna Birch - buy I KISSED ALICE in paperback! (@Almost_Anna) September 12, 2021
23.
My 5yo just calmly explained to me that it’s not really working out with his 3yo brother like he can request a refund.
— MDJ | Danielle Jones, MD, FACOG (@MamaDoctorJones) June 9, 2022
24.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) June 24, 2022
25.
My 5yo just climbed on my lap and said, “Momma, what if we’re all toys and there are invisible people playing with us?” 💀
— Amy S. Choi ⁷ (@awesomechoi) December 6, 2020
26.
My 5yo was looking at a draft I'm working on.
5yo: What are these little numbers?
Me: Those are footnotes. They're numbered, so you can get extra information by finding the number below.
5yo: You should just draw a big arrow to that stuff in case people don't know numbers yet— Andrew Wehrman (@ProfWehrman) January 1, 2020
27.
My 5yo coming out of the kitchen and screaming "I NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO MY STORY!" is really just all of us.
— Rachel Wecht (@rachelwecht) September 3, 2019
28.
Predawn panorama work from my five year old pic.twitter.com/P83xvHNmZ6
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) July 8, 2020
