The 50 Most Hilarious Tweets From Parents In 2022

8 yo, singing quietly to himself "dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth"

— Eliza Jane (@ElizaJaneAgain) July 2, 2022

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 23, 2022

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) July 17, 2022

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2022

5 said she doesn’t need to go to school anymore because she can already count up to 10 and that’s enough because she probably won’t ever eat more than 10 cupcakes

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 20, 2022

Parenting is a lot like talking to an automated phone attendant. You're hopeful at first, but then just end up repeating yourself and yelling.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 13, 2022

Thinking about the time my 3yo forgot the name for chicken nuggets and called them “orange meat cookies”

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) April 4, 2022

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

— Abraham Gutman (@abgutman) January 23, 2022

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You... just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

— Renée Agatep (@GoingByRenee) January 29, 2022

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 2, 2022

Tried to throw a slightly neglected baby doll into the toy basket and my three year old shrieked “THAT’S MY DAUGHTER!!” Had no idea

— Melanie Lynskey (@melanielynskey) April 6, 2022

Apparently this is what I look like to my son.
🤨🤨🤨🤨 pic.twitter.com/dSrcdSxB6S

— 🤨 Lovely 🤨 (@SweetPea1636) February 10, 2022

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
- my child, about to be shook

— kidversations (@kidversations_) September 20, 2022

I asked my 3 yr old to stop running through the house. Of course she didn’t listen & when she fell, I was like “exactly.” (that was a week ago) This morning, I tripped over my charger and she yelled “EXACTLY!!” 😭😭😭

— ♡︎ (@willmarie_s) July 26, 2022

the teacher asked my kindergartner what his favorite season was and he said “garlic salt”

— 🦂Stay at Home Meh 🌵 (@caseyjparker) August 26, 2022

The fact that my 8 year old farted in my face RIGHT after I told him that I’d had a terrible day has me thinking that all those fairytales about parents leaving their kids in the woods may have actually been true stories.

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) November 7, 2022

[After dropping a container of blueberries all over the floor]
8 y/o: See! This is exactly why I wanted chips!

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 22, 2022

Just heard my 4 year old say "it's time to milk the farm dog" and my 2 yo squeal "YEAH" and I better go see what they're doing

— New Lettuce for 2023 (@RateMySalad) February 5, 2022

I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older and she laughed so hard she cried a little

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 17, 2022

Me: I'm struggling with some demons today

Wife: I thought I told you to stop calling our kids that

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 22, 2022

My 7 yo just asked ME when was his birthdate. I told him his birthday and the exact time of birth.

Him: you know too much of my personal business.

— Princess | Sleep & Wellness (@themultiplemom) November 5, 2022

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) April 26, 2022

When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, “In a pie-eating contest, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose because you get to eat pie.” I think about that a lot.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 27, 2022

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, "you took a lot of pictures of this baby..."

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 13, 2022

My son was disappointed to realize that the US team was playing a country called Wales and not a large group of whales in what I guess he imagined to be a large soccer-seaworld extravaganza.

— Clint Smith (@ClintSmithIII) November 21, 2022

My son is sick so his voice is all congested-sounding and he asked me for crepes for breakfast. So I googled a crepe recipe, made a crepe even though I never have before. Put it down in front of him and he was like “these are grapes?” He just wanted some grapes.

— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) October 21, 2022

Ladies, we are creeping up on the 2-year anniversary of the first batch of “Moms Are At Their Breaking Point” Covid think-pieces. How do you plan to celebrate? I’m leaning toward nervous breakdown, but open to ideas.

— J. Courtney Sullivan (@jcourtsull) January 4, 2022

Grandparents are so wild. My son was crying that he wanted apple juice tonight and my mom was like “I’ll run to the store real quick! It’ll just take a second!”

— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) July 10, 2022

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) March 29, 2022

I used the old “I gave birth to you” on my daughter, she said “That was one time”.

— uncle mom (@mayamanion) July 11, 2022

My child is disappointed to learn that I, a burn surgeon, have never treated someone for a lava-related injury.

— Callie Thompson (@callie_mt) July 1, 2022

I took a picture of a kid's chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, "I have a skeleton."

— NJ Gallegos says there’s some edits in this house (@DrSpooky_ER) September 28, 2022

thoughts and prayers for my daughter who misunderstood evolution and is now mourning that she didn’t morph from a kitten

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 2, 2022

Parenting little kids is mostly screaming "What the fuck!" in your head, but really saying things like "No thank you, I do not want to hold your booger."

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 7, 2022

Felt like wallowing in self pity today so I googled the net worth of my kid’s favorite YouTuber.

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) January 19, 2022

Felt very proud that my 10 yr old researched the history and culture of a Bavarian town we were visiting this weekend until she went on to speak in a German accent throughout our stay.

— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) May 30, 2022

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 23, 2022

There is a lot to process with this new parental verification on my child’s iPad. pic.twitter.com/OKw7fXDuXc

— Victoria Haneman (@TaxLawProf) May 18, 2022

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

— LL Cool Tweet (@LLcoooltweet) June 7, 2022

My teens' rooms have literally become the Bermuda Triangle for our dishes and cutlery.

— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) September 12, 2022

When my daughter was 3 she charged like $380 buying movies and shows on Amazon Prime. She is 13 going on 14 and she will be watching that content until she goes to college.

— Household Government (@LadyBugAssassin) May 28, 2022

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

— Elisa Stone Leahy (@ElisaStoneLeahy) April 13, 2022

"I'll see you later today" I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid's lunchbox.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 29, 2022

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said 'The Loan Shark' so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

— 🍁Yukon Cornelius (@GrahamKritzer) September 21, 2022

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 10, 2022

One of y’all son’s has a crush on my daughter and gave her his glasses today. His prescription glasses that he cannot see without. Just like a boy doing anything to impress a girl. Giving up the gift of sight is crazy 😂😩

— Kira J (@IamKiraJ) October 20, 2022

Indian parents on Easter be like, look the bunny brought you some math worksheets

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 17, 2022

Thrilled to announce that instead of saying “What are you doing?” my 2-year-old child goes around asking, in a tiny haunting voice, “What have you done?”

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 30, 2022

My kid just learned “uh oh spaghettios” but he keeps forgetting and is yelling “oh no noodles” instead

— meghan (@deloisivete) November 1, 2022

No one:

My 8yo on the 3rd of January: So what are we doing for Halloween?

— yelisa (@beingyelisa) January 3, 2022