Age-gap relationship – what it is and how can you discover love beyond age?

Age-gap dating, often referred to as May-December relationship, is a hot topic. While some people believe it’s perfectly fine for two people of different ages to be together, others raise concerns about the significant age disparities.

The relationship between Britney Spears and Sam Asghari, who have a 13-year age gap, exemplifies this dilemma. Speculations about financial motives and mental stability emerged following their relationship, though the couple refuted these claims.

However, the now former couple later announced their divorce in August this year.

Britney Spears and Sam Asghari's divorce ignited social media fervour, sparking discussions on age gaps and prenuptial agreements, with many people expressing hope that Spears had signed a prenup to protect her assets. Considering their age gap and Asghari’s relatively modest background, it was clear why.

Still, I felt the comments were unnecessary. However, the controversy made me realise how, even in 2023, age-gap dating remains a contentious topic, especially for those with more conservative views.

Closer to home, the 30-year age gap between Singapore presidential hopeful Ng Kok Song, 75, and his fiancee, Sybil Lau, 45, came under scrutiny when he announced he was running for office. People online immediately jumped at the opportunity to call Lau a gold digger. However, in a podcast interview, Ng clarified that Lau hails from a prominent family.

In an article, Vogue discussed some of the various unwritten rules used to gauge the suitability of an age-gap relationship. One rule goes suggests dividing your age by two and adding seven years to determine the lower limit for dating. So, if you’re 28, you should never date someone younger than 21. To determine if someone is too old for you, take seven years off your current age, then multiply it by two. That said, if you’re 28, you should never date someone older than 42.

Another rule uses a 10-year benchmark. So if you’re 28, you’d never date someone younger than 18.

The dynamics and concerns around age-gap relationships

May-December relationships can be both rewarding and challenging. In fact, some studies suggest that couples with an age gap may actually be happier and more satisfied with their relationships than others.

There are many reasons why people might choose to be in a May-December relationship. Some people may be attracted to the maturity and experience of an older partner. Others may appreciate the youthful energy and vitality of a younger partner. Others may simply be looking for love and companionship, regardless of age.

Of course, May-December relationships also have their challenges. One of the most significant is dealing with societal disapproval. Some people may not understand why someone would choose to be with someone much older or younger than them. This disapproval can put a strain on the relationship.

A primary concern people tend to have around age-gap dating revolves around the stereotype that the younger party in the relationship is exploited for things like sex, their youth, or an overall thrill. Conversely, a common preconception about the older individual is that they’re being used for their money and experience.

Couples defying age gaps

The latter is something *Hannah knows too well. At 49, Hannah is married to *Karl, a man 11 years her junior. The two were dating for three years before Karl proposed. As an entrepreneur, Hannah owns a successful interior design and architectural firm, while Karl is an engineer.

“When people I told my friends that we were dating, some jokingly asked me whether Karl knew how rich I was,” says Hannah, with a laugh. “Of course, I expected some questions about this because it was the first time I was dating someone much younger, and when I met Karl, he was still fairly junior in his career,” she explained.

However, what she didn’t expect was the level of disdain some people had towards her relationship. The couple had planned to marry in 2020, but when the global pandemic forced them to postpone their wedding, some people Hannah knew quickly said this was a sign that their marriage wouldn’t last.

“I was heartbroken that people would even think that. They were automatically excluded from the wedding,” she shares.

For Hannah, leaving them out was one of the best decisions she made for herself. “They were just going to be very negative, anyway.”

Earlier this year, Hannah finally married Karl in front of 100 guests at an elaborate ceremony. The wedding, which took place in a Sentosa hotel, was fun and included plenty of dancing.

“Karl is an introvert, but he does have his extroverted moments. At the wedding, he was dancing and was urging me to dance. Our wedding reminded me of why I chose to be with Karl. He brings out the best in me and is willing to let me shine,” she remembers fondly.

“I think many people have misconceptions about age gaps and automatically believe that a relationship is transactional because they can’t believe how someone so young would fall in love with someone much older than them, and vice versa,” Hannah explains. “I’m here to say that you really don’t choose who you fall in love with, you just do.”

For *Sapna, 28, the possibility of someone calling her a trophy wife or gold digger isn’t something she’s afraid of. Instead, she thinks it’s hilarious how people often jump to conclusions about the younger person in the relationship.

“I actually think it’s quite funny that people would label someone a trophy wife or trophy anything, or even a gold digger, without really knowing them,” says the sales manager. Sapna, who has been married to her husband *Keith, 37, has fortunately never experienced that.

“Maybe it’s paranoia, but we get looked at whenever we’re out and about. Perhaps people can see our age gap, or perhaps they’re just curious about us because we’re a mixed-race couple,” she shares of her experience.

Unlike Hannah, Sapna’s family and friends generally supported her relationship.

“I come from a relatively traditional Indian family. So, my parents were concerned because Keith is from the UK, and he might not have been able to understand our family dynamic and the way I grew up,” she reveals. “But because Keith is much older, it was obvious that he had the means to take care of me and was able to show how responsible he was to my family.” They also saw that Keith was someone who could ground Sapna and make her consider something more long-term.

After years of dating guys her age or younger and not being happy or satisfied, Sapna decided to date someone older for a change. It was only with Keith that Sapna could see herself settling down and getting married.

According to her, Keith was the right fit because he was stable and experienced in life and in relationships, which made things refreshing. Sapna was also looking for someone to support her regardless of what happened.

Besides the apparent age gap, Sapna’s family and friends were also concerned about whether the couple had much in common – a fair concern.

“To be honest, we’re quite different. Keith loves to play sports, go on a hike, and get active. That’s his idea of relaxing. I prefer to go for brunch and maybe go for an art class,” she laughed.

Thankfully, the couple counters this by partaking in each other’s hobbies occasionally and taking time to do their own hobbies individually.

“I know everyone’s concerned about age, but at the end of the day, it’s really about how much the other person is willing to adapt to a situation that matters more. Keith doing things that he doesn’t normally like to do means a lot to me,” says Sapna.

Open dialogue for relationship success

While their relationship is amazing overall, Sapna admits that she and her husband have differing views on children.

“Keith wants kids, but I don’t, I still feel like I’m quite young, and I still want to have fun,” she shares. “But it’s understandable that Keith wants kids now because he’s older.”

Ultimately, as Sapna acknowledges, they’ll have to figure out this on their own, and that this topic will impact any couple – regardless of age.

In the end, couples with differing viewpoints on having children will inevitably need to discuss this matter openly and honestly.

Age-gap dating can be complicated and often misunderstood. While some people have no problem with it, others view it with suspicion and criticism. However, at the end of the day, what matters most in any relationship is the love and respect shared between two individuals. Age should never be a barrier to finding happiness with someone else.

It's important to remember that not all age-gap relationships are the same. Despite the challenges, May-December relationships can be very rewarding. If both partners are committed to making the relationship work, they can overcome any obstacles and build a strong and loving relationship. Each couple is unique, with their own set of challenges and rewards. While some may face judgment and criticism from others, others may find acceptance and support. Most important is that both parties are happy, healthy, and able to communicate their feelings and needs openly.

If you're considering an age-gap relationship, it's important to take the time to really get to know the other person and make sure that you're both on the same page. Talk openly about your goals, expectations, and concerns, and ensure you're committed to building a healthy and fulfilling relationship. With time, patience, and a little bit of luck, age-gap relationships can be just as rewarding and fulfilling as any other.

(*Names have been changed and details have been modified upon request.)

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