57 things great parents do to bring out the best in their children

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Do you want to be a great parent?

Do you want to bring up motivated, responsible, and successful children?

I’m sure you do.

But the journey isn’t always easy. Parenthood is one of the hardest jobs in the world, and it’s filled with challenges and frustrations.

As a parent, there will definitely be times when you feel confused, helpless even. (I’ve gone through many such instances myself!)

But that doesn’t mean you’re alone. The truth is, you can rely on the experience of countless parents who have gone before you. You can follow specific, time-tested practices of effective parenting.

Through working with thousands of children and teenagers – and their parents too – I’ve come to realise that parenting is both an art and a science.

Being a great parent calls for flexibility and creativity. At the same time, there are also certain principles that all successful parents follow.

Based on my observations, I’ve put together this list of 57 things great parents do to bring out the best in their children.

1. They “catch” their children being good. They make a conscious effort to acknowledge their children’s good behaviour, because they know that kids respond well to positive feedback.

2. They teach their children that the universe doesn’t revolve around them. I’ve worked with many children and teenagers who think that their wants, needs and problems are the only things that matter. They’ve developed this self-centred attitude because their parents have made them the centre of the universe. It’s better to give your kids a sense of perspective about their place in the grand scheme of things.

3. They teach their children to dream big and dare to fail. They give their children the freedom to fail, because they understand the truth of the saying, “If failure isn’t an option, then neither is real success.”

4. They don’t do things for their children that their children can do for themselves. For example, a teenager can schedule his or her own dentist’s appointment. Allowing children to take responsibility for their lives helps them to grow and mature.

5. They build a strong marriage with their spouse. Children want to know that their parents love each other, because this gives them a sense of security. Without this, it’s hard for children to develop to their full potential.

6. They allow natural consequences to run their course. As long as doing so doesn’t put their children’s lives in danger, this is the most effective way to make children learn from their mistakes.

7. They create family traditions and rituals. I know families who go camping once a year, have a celebration on the first day of every school year, and have a family cheer. These kinds of traditions and rituals build family pride, which increases the likelihood that the children will grow up to be well-adjusted.

8. They teach their children that all feelings are okay, but not all actions are. For example, children must understand that it’s okay to feel angry, but that it’s not okay to lash out in violence.

9. They treat everyone with respect. This way, their children learn that everyone is worthy of respect, no matter how “important” or “unimportant” society deems them to be.

10. They address the issues underlying their children’s problematic behaviour. When children and teenagers act up, it’s usually because they have a need that isn’t being met: love, acceptance, security, stability, respect, trust, etc. Great parents seek to identify this unmet need so they can get to the root of the problem.

11. They’re curious about the world around them. This helps to cultivate joyful curiosity in their children, too, which makes it more likely that they’ll grow up to be lifelong learners.

12. They keep their promises. By doing so, their children understand the importance of integrity and commitment.

13. They express their requests “positively”. For example, great parents don’t say, “No TV!” Instead, they say: “When you finish your homework, you can watch TV.” This positive approach is far more effective in getting through to children and teenagers.

14. They show an interest in their children’s hobbies and passions. Great parents make the effort to learn about the games, celebrities, music and other things that their children like. This helps to build a strong parent-child relationship.

15. They show affection toward their children. They do this in the form of both physical touch and encouraging words.

16. They manage their own anxiety. Anxious parents produce anxious children. Great parents consciously manage their negative emotions so as not to affect their children adversely.

17. They don’t take a “one size fits all” approach toward parenting. Every child is different, which means that a different parenting style is needed for each child.

18. They teach their children positive thinking skills. As the saying goes, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” Children can only react to difficult situations wisely when they’re equipped with positive thinking skills and a positive attitude.

19. They’re encouraging and supportive toward their children. Life is full of challenges and disappointment. Children need their parents’ encouragement in order to build confidence, especially when they’re young.

20. They remind their children that their love is unconditional. These reminders are frequent to ensure that their children know they’re fully loved, regardless of how they behave. (At the same time, great parents don’t ignore or condone bad behaviour.)

21. They develop a mission statement for their family. They involve their children in this process, too, to ensure that the whole family is working toward the same vision and goals. Here’s a detailed article to guide you through the process of creating a family mission statement.

22. They practice what they preach. For example, they want their children to love learning, so they demonstrate that they’re learning new things every day, too. They want their children to be kind and respectful, so they show kindness and respect to everyone they meet.

23. They’re patient with their children. They take time to explain things; they listen to their children’s stories; they remain calm when their children frustrate them. As a parent myself, I know this is easier said than done. But I’ve observed that great parents do it consistently!

24. They make family time a priority. They don’t over-schedule their children’s lives with enrichment classes and music lessons. Instead, they make it clear that spending time together as a family is a higher priority than these activities.

25. They spend one-on-one time with each of their children. They do this on a regular basis, because it’s a powerful way to build the parent-child bond.

26. They model for their children what it means to lead a balanced life. They don’t succumb to addictions or distractions. In addition, they teach their children how to take care of their physical, emotional, and mental health.

27. When they make a mistake, they apologise. They model humility for their children. What’s more, they aren’t afraid to ask their children for feedback on their parenting style, because this helps them to continually improve as parents.

28. They don’t blame others when things go wrong. They take full responsibility for their actions, and don’t play the victim. This helps their children to grasp the importance of taking ownership of their lives.

29. They don’t try to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams through their children. They allow their children to run their own race, instead of the race they think their children ought to run.

30. They give their children responsibilities. Many children and teenagers today are so busy with their academics and extra-curricular activities that their parents have reduced (or eliminated) their household responsibilities. In the long run, this can cause them to become entitled. Great parents don’t make this mistake.

31. They set clear, reasonable boundaries for their children. They’re consistent in enforcing these boundaries. This provides their children with structure and security as they grow up.

32. They establish family routines. This applies to family meals, homework time, chores, and so on. This helps to build family cohesion.

33. They forgive themselves when they make a mistake. They know that parenting is a learning process, so they don’t beat themselves up when they falter. Instead, they make amends and seek external help if necessary.

34. They forgive others (including their children) easily. They build families in which forgiveness is freely given and freely received. This is the foundation of a united family.

35. They find ways to manage stress. We live in a competitive world. Understandably, parents face a lot of stress at work and at home. Great parents use various techniques to manage this stress, because they know that if they don’t, they’ll be short-tempered and unreasonable – not a good combination if you want to be a world-class parent!

36. They make time to have fun as a family. Not only does this create lasting family memories, it also helps their children to see that time with family can be enjoyable.

37. They discipline their children instead of punishing them. What’s the difference between discipline and punishment? Discipline uses logical consequences to help children learn from their mistakes, and is carried out calmly. On the other hand, punishment is often meted out in anger, and is a means to make children “suffer” for their bad behaviour.

38. They really listen to their children. When their children talk to them, they put aside their newspapers and electronic devices. They listen without interrupting, judging, or criticising. As a result, their children feel valued, and are more likely to communicate openly.

39. They don’t shame or belittle their children. Great parents don’t say hurtful things that would damage their children’s self-esteem. They understand the power of words, so they refrain from insulting or humiliating their children.

40. They respect their children’s privacy. They don’t spy on their children unless they suspect that their children are in grave danger. By respecting their children’s privacy, they create a culture of respect at home.

41. They allow their children to make mistakes. Experiencing failure and disappointment is essential if you want your children to become resilient. Furthermore, great parents know that progress matters more than perfection.

42. They practice gratitude. They resist the temptation to complain, and instead choose to focus on the things they have to be thankful for. In addition, they teach their children to cultivate the habit of gratitude. Research shows that people who regularly practice gratitude are happier, kinder, and healthier – so this is something all children should learn to do!

43. They encourage their children to experiment and explore. They’re often heard saying to their children, “Go for it!” (Unless the situation is potentially dangerous, of course.) By moving outside their comfort zones, their children develop courage and confidence.

44. They teach their children about money. As their children are growing up, they show them how to save, invest, create a budget, write a cheque and spend wisely. These are skills that will prove essential down the road.

45. They take care of their own physical and emotional needs. As a result, they prevent themselves from burning out. This enables them to be better, more engaged parents.

46. They explain the rationale behind the boundaries they set. Parents who don’t do this run the risk of being perceived as authoritarian or dictatorial – and children won’t put up with such a parent for long. By explaining the reasons behind their boundaries, great parents also model for their children what it means to think logically.

47. They teach their children emotional intelligence. They show their children how to understand and label emotions, how to empathise with others, and how to see things from others’ perspectives.

48. They focus on their long-term parenting goals. They remind themselves that the objective of parenting is to raise resilient, well-adjusted children who will be contributing members of society. They don’t get so caught up in trying to force their children to finish their food or complete their homework that they lose sight of these long-term parenting goals.

49. They involve their children in solving problems. When children are part of the problem-solving process, they develop thinking skills. And if the problem is related to the children’s own undesirable behaviour, they’re much more likely to commit to changing that behaviour.

50. They do small things to make their children feel special. I’m proud to say that my own parents are great parents. They wrote me letters and left me special messages (in fact, they still do this today). This made me feel loved and appreciated.

51. They don’t lecture their children. Children and teenagers don’t respond well to lectures – especially long ones. When great parents communicate with their children, they’re clear, specific, and brief.

52. They do “boring” things with their children. The families I know who have the strongest bonds do plenty of mundane things together, such as grocery trips, household chores and home improvement projects. Great parents know that it’s in these “boring” things that family bonds are built.

53. They instil in their children a sense of destiny. What I appreciate most about my parents is that they implanted in me and my siblings a sense of purpose, a desire to make a difference. This has enabled us to stay relatively focused on doing things to serve others and add value to the world.

54. They create an emotionally “safe” home environment. They do this by limiting criticism, nagging and harsh words. This fosters an environment where every family member feels safe and respected, and where the lines of communication remain open.

55. They emphasise the importance of the process over the outcome. Great parents don’t obsess over achievements and accomplishments. Instead, they focus on helping their children to grow, improve and develop. Interestingly, their children attain better outcomes as a result of this process-oriented approach.

56. They help their children to find a coach/mentor. Research shows that children who have a mentor in their life have 30% higher levels of life satisfaction. Having worked with so many children and teenagers, I’ve observed how much they benefit from the mentoring relationship they have with me.

57. They teach their children that being successful is what matters, not looking successful. Looking successful is about achievement, wealth and popularity. On the other hand, being successful is about contribution, character and integrity. Great parents know that being successful is what counts.

Conclusion

I know … this is a long article.

So you might be feeling overwhelmed by the number of improvements you want to make as a parent.

But I encourage you to take it one step at a time.

Here’s what I recommend you do:

• Based on this article, list the top three things you’d like to work on. (Click here to download a summary of this article plus 7 bonus tips.)
  

• List the specific things you plan to do differently.
  

• Implement this plan for four weeks.
  

• At the end of those four weeks, review your progress and make adjustments to your plan. Pick another item or two from the list to work on when you feel ready or keep working on the same ones to reinforce them further.
  

• Repeat this process for the following four weeks.
  

As you make headway, you’ll find yourself enjoying parenthood more.

Before you know it, you’ll be a great parent who brings out the best in your children.

The journey won’t be easy, but I know you’re up to the challenge!

Daniel Wong works with students 1-to-1 to help them become motivated, focused, and resilient. Download this FREE bonus: an easy-to-use summary of this article, which includes 7 bonus tips. The views expressed are his own.