Darren Waller Says ‘in Some Ways, My Life Hasn’t Really Started’ as He Contemplates NFL Retirement (Exclusive)

"I'm so grateful, but it's a grind, and you've got to be 100% willing to suit up for it, and I've got to decide if I'm 100% or not," Waller tells PEOPLE exclusively

Darren Waller has a big decision to make.

As the 31-year-old New York Giants tight end contemplates whether or not he'll return to the field next season, Waller tells PEOPLE he's reflecting on the sacrifices he's made in return for NFL success.

"I have not made a decision yet," Waller confirms as fans speculate about his possible retirement. "It's all about looking at the process of going through April to February, and if you're not 100% bought in, it's a disservice to your teammates and the organization."

Waller, who makes rap music and hosts a podcast called Comeback Stories in his free time, says he's "grown" and "been through a lot" a lot in the league since the Baltimore Ravens drafted him in 2015.

"And I'm at the point now where I'm like, 'Is this something that I want to continue to invest my time, invest my body, invest my mind in? And I've got to come to a decision on that," he says.

A 2020 Pro Bowl select who still holds the Raiders' franchise record for most single-season receptions, Waller has been vocal about his struggles with mental health and addiction.

In 2017, he nearly lost his life after overdosing on drugs laced with fentanyl during the NFL preseason. As a result, the NFL suspended him for one year for abusing banned substances.

Now, Waller says he feels like getting himself back to being a Pro Bowl-level player forced him to put aside his other interests, like travel and self-exploration.

"Once I came back from being suspended and whatnot, so much time went into training and just building myself up and being obsessed with the grind of it," Waller explains.

"And it's to the point where it's like, man, I don't feel like I've really done a lot. In some ways my life hasn't really started."

As he contemplates retirement, Waller says the decision is far more about his mental heath rather than any physical limitations.

"There have been injuries in the picture, but as far as what I'm able to do when I'm on the field and how fresh and explosive and just the ability to still do my job well, it's still there."

"I'm a guy who's into a lot more than football," Waller says. "And football's done a lot for me, I'm so grateful, but it's a grind, and you've got to be 100% willing to suit up for it, and I've got to decide if I'm 100% or not."

Related: Raiders' Darren Waller Opens Up About Experience with Addiction and 'Rising Above' Adversity: 'Push Yourself'

Should he choose to hang up his cleats, Waller says his focus would be on music, traveling and "doing a lot of the things I haven't really done before."

"Getting out and exploring the world, exploring more of who I am," Waller adds to the list. "I feel like there's a lot more of that to do. So starting with just being of service through the foundation work, creating, making music, traveling and go from there."

And while his impending decision isn't an easy one to make, Waller says he's leaning on his community and "everybody who's close to me in my life" this offseason.

"I'm writing it out, taking time for myself to really think about it and make a decision that's authentic to myself, that isn't me just trying to please the league or please fans, but that also isn't just me not willing to push through something uncomfortable or put myself out there and be of service."

"I was trying to find a balance in between, and I need help, I need community to be able to do that and bounce things off of."

On April 4, Waller and Icy Hot invited NFL draft prospects Ja'Tavion Sanders and Cade Stover to shadow the Giants tight end in Las Vegas.

Stover, 23, and Sanders, 21, went through Waller's offseason workout routine with his longtime trainer, Dr. Zaki Afzal, and spent time picking the NFL star's brain before the draft kicks off on April 25.

Waller tells PEOPLE he hopes the incoming tight ends took away his message of the importance of self-care.

"From spending time with me, the main thing is to take care of you. So the physical part is Icy Hot, employing those things into the program like contrast therapy and all the different Icy Hot PRO products, whether it's working with physical therapists, whether it's how you recover and how you're sleeping, how you're eating," Waller explains.

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"But also just mainly between the ears, mentally. I gave them a few books. I just want them know that's where everything's going to come from."

Waller gifted Sanders and Stover three books: The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer, 10% Happier by Dan Harris, and Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty.

"My transformation as a player was because my mind was transformed, my inner world was transformed, and I was able to approach the process of the game with good habits, with good principles, and that's where everything's formed," says Waller.

Waller says he was introduced to Harris' 10% Happier when he was in rehab, and it allowed him to "see meditation as attainable" after Waller had previously found the concept "intimidating."

Related: NFL Players Darren Waller, Terron Armstead, Create Music for Madden Video Game for First Time Ever

If he could give the version of himself who was "a lost soul" after being drafted in 2015, Waller says he'd tell him to "be patient with yourself."

Waller explains, "Don't allow the results to dictate who you are or how you're doing, because I got reinstated and got cut immediately and was put on the practice squad and was there almost the entire 2018 season until I got an opportunity to go to the Raiders and was able to take advantage of that."

"So things going well out of the gate right away, immediately right when you want them to is really a disservice to you because there's a lot of character development that needs to happen in those times where you feel like you're not getting what you deserve or why is it not coming yet," says the tight end.

"You've got to learn things and build the structure to be able to hold the success that you want ultimately. So see those times as a blessing."

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