If there’s a holy grail of awards opening monologues, it’s Judd Apatow’s at the DGA Awards.
In typical fashion, the filmmaker who is known for his killer Bill Cosby impersonation, took the mic for the fifth time to host the DGA Awards — with the opening monologue cut off to the press room. Don’t ask why that is in a post Trump era political environment.
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Apatow won over the room with his jokes about how hasty the DGA came to an agreement with the AMPTP, M&As and how Byron Allen could be the ultimate buyer of all media companies, and SAG-AFTRA president as “the voice of reason” during the swamps of the strike.
“My agent said I should hold out for more money, but in the spirt of the DGA, I accepted their first offer!” ribbed the 40-Year Old Virgin director in reference to how fast the guild settled with the studios; in lieu of a strike.
“Today, we’re dedicating our show to Norman Lear,” said Apatow, “He passed away at 101, and I swear to all of you tonight, I will not rest, until I find his killer!”
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Being presence at the Beverly Hilton, the home of the Golden Globes, it only served for Apatow to pivot: “I want to thank Jo Koy for lowering the bar for me. I’d like to thank the Directors Guild for having the courage to hire a white Jewish man to host the ceremony. And that is bigger than how we can make Hollywood great again.”
Pivoting to the dual strikes, Apatow quipped, “Many of us had to make painful sacrifices. I had to sell my mansion to settle on a slightly larger mansion in a worst neighborhood.”
“During the strikes, I went to Wendy’s and tried the southwest chicken sandwich, I went to Vegas to see Adele. I’ll tell you what I wasn’t doing, making a masterpiece. Because when I’m striking, I’m striking!”
“Ultimately, what did we learn from the strikes? We learned that Fran Drescher is the voice of reason –and unfortunately that’s what reason sounds like,” Apatow slammed the SAG-AFTRA boss.
“No. 2, audiences love watching old shows — they don’t care if they’re new. They want a warm, familiar blanket. Suits was the most watched show of all last year. And Hollywood noticed this trend. So here’s what’s happening next year: In April, Max is presenting a hot show that they’re very excited about – Remington Steele! On Netflix, there’s all eight season of Barnaby Jones. On Paramount+, they’re unveiling their newest star, the late Ed Asner.”
Apatow didn’t spare politics, roaring “I swear to god if this is the only time you vote this year, you can all go fuck yourselves.”
Targeting the presidential face off between Joe Biden and Donald Trump, Apatow said the race is going to be between “a guy old enough to have met Hitler and a guy who wishes he had.”
Apatow wrapped up on the whole M&A craze in the industry.
“We’re going to see a lot of corporate mergers. Here’s how it’s going to happen. First Warner Bros Discovery is going to merge with Paramount, then Comcast will merge with Sony, then Apple will merge with Netflix and then takover Warner Bros Paramount Discovery. Then in a hostile takeover, Comcast will immediately engulf Warner Bros Discovery. Then Elon Musk will use his own money to execute a buyout of both of those companies, and in order to streamline the operation, Musk fires everyone except for 37 people. Then Jeff Bezos jumps in and buys the whole thing as a Valentine’s gift to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez. Lauren flips it and sells it to Salma Hayek.”
“All this ends suddenly when Byron Allen sweeps in and buys up everything — in cash! Byron Allen has so much cash! Skip Stevenson died penniless. He’s a really brilliant businessman, and takes the whole thing and sells it to — Pornhub!”
“Pornhub where they combine AI, videogames, classic movies and pornography,” continued Apatow.
In previous DGA monologues, Apatow has gone for the jugular in deriding Tom Cruise and his association with Scientology to the fallen Harvey Weinstein.
“What Harvey Weinstein ruined was robes,” joked Apatow back in in 2018, “If I wear one now, my wife is like ‘eww’.”
Deadline’s Antonia Blyth asked Apatow on the red carpet about why the monologue is cut off from the press room.
Answered The King of Staten Island director, “My intentions — I don’t want anyone to hear it. Who wants to get in trouble? I always say it’s just for the directors in the room. Last year, someone snuck in and recorded it, and so the transcripts went out. What’s fun about this is that it’s not on TV, so I can pretend I’m hosting the Oscars without the potential to end my career.”
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