EPL TALK: What Liverpool, Manchester United and the rest of English football really need for Christmas

1. A calculator for Sir Jim Ratcliffe

Those who bought into Betamax video recorders made a more savvy investment than what Ratcliffe has in mind. The British businessman needs a calculator or extended highlights of Manchester United’s season before he spends £1.5 billion in what might be the worst football deal since Wout Weghorst.

Ratcliffe made his billions in petrochemicals. He’s a smart guy. He can see gaps in the market, but not those between Harry Maguire’s legs. Get a calculator, Jim. Do the sums. There are serial killers on death row with greater financial potential. There’s still time to invest in a franchise that offers a better cash return, like Blockbuster video.

2. A DeLorean for Jurgen Klopp

In Back to the Future, Doc Brown invented a time-travelling DeLorean and devoted every waking moment to time, but he’s got nothing on Klopp.

The Liverpool manager is obsessed with time. Kick-off times, lunchtimes, the time between matches, the timing of training sessions, the timing of journalists’ questions, the timing of Liverpool’s fixtures, West Ham’s fixtures and the time taken for VAR decisions. He’s like that annoying teacher who stands at the school gates every morning, tapping his watch. It’s called chronophobia, an obsession with time. And Klopp is obsessed with all aspects, it seems, except Darwin Nunez’s timing in the box.

3. A rainbow armband for Jordan Henderson

The midfielder had one at Liverpool, but he appears to have lost it in Saudi Arabia. No one knows where or how the rainbow armband was mislaid, but Al-Ettifaq claim to have 600,000 reasons why.

4. A Dummies Guide to being a grumpy coach for Ange Postecoglou

The Tottenham Hotspur manager is doing it all wrong, the mad, matey Aussie freak. He's loving his job. Everyone’s his mate. The interviewer. The journalist. The fan. Everyone, except Mikel Arteta (there has to be a line.) He’s treating every press conference like a Melbourne backyard barbeque. He’s only missing a singlet and a pair of tongs.

And he keeps saying all the wrong things. He won’t just take it one game at a time. He won’t answer in trained soundbites. He’s almost, like, human. It’s a refreshing concept for the English Premier League, but it’ll never take off.

5. A slice of humble pie for Sean Dyche’s critics

The Everton manager doesn’t do pleasantries. He doesn’t do political correctness. He doesn’t do hair. And most of the time, he doesn’t do football. He does Dyche Ball, a strange war of attrition, where his Everton players don’t have the ball, their opponents rarely have the ball and supporters rarely see the ball. In Everton matches, the football is a little like Joe Biden. We know the American President exists. We occasionally see him. But if he disappeared, would anyone really notice?

Dyche Ball is the same, but more effective. In the first 12 league games, only Aston Villa (29) and Arsenal (26) collected more points than Everton (25). Everton’s 10-point deduction now feels like an early knockdown for Rocky Balboa, a necessary plot device to trigger a roaring speech about not quitting, followed by a stirring finale, i.e. a scrappy 1-0 win. Dyche has been compared to both Rocky Balboa and Joe Biden in a single paragraph and would still feel insulted. He'd take them both out before a pint and a pie.

6. A plastic medal for Harry Kane

He’s not going to win a real one with Bayern Munich either, is he?

7. A tub of moisturiser for Pep Guardiola

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, when the Manchester City manager starts to rub holes in his own head. Every post-match interview in the coming weeks will feel like a live art installation, tentatively titled "The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent When Kevin de Bruyne is Injured".

There’s a direct correlation between chances squandered and head rubs. When points are dropped, Guardiola leaves dents in his head. Do not play the drinking game with Guardiola head rubs. You’ll be left stumbling around in a foggy state like Kalvin Phillips.

8. A dictionary for Chelsea’s recruiters

Look up the word "striker".

9. A mirror for David Moyes

The West Ham manager needs to see his reflection. At the moment, he sees Muhammad Ali, Sir Alex Ferguson, Martin Luther King and Gandhi, inspirational men inspiring men to perform inspired deeds. The slightly deluded chap recently said that the Hammers’ dip in form was due to Moyes not being offered a new contract.

That confused many West Ham observers, who thought the Hammers’ dip in form was due to Moyes playing reserves, teenagers and the odd toddler against Liverpool in the Carabao Cup. West Ham lost 5-1, following a 5-0 EPL defeat at Fulham, which could’ve been avoided if Moyes had put pen to paper. Apparently, the pen is mightier than a second striker, a more positive line-up and a tactical approach that leaves more men behind the line than the startline of the Singapore marathon. Moyes’ opinion of himself is more inflated than a bouncy castle.

10. A photograph of the goal

Send it to Marcus Rashford, Anthony Martial and Bruno Fernandes.

11. A photograph of a modern football stadium

Send it to the Glazers.

12. An Ivan Toney for Arsenal

A striker is like a new puppy. It’s for life, not just for Christmas. The Gunners need firepower to sustain their momentum. Being around the English Premier League summit at Christmas is a bit like outrunning a lion over the first few yards. It’s an achievement, of sorts, but there’s no guarantee of a happy ending. Or of keeping one’s balls.

Merry Xmas!

Neil Humphreys is an award-winning football writer and a best-selling author, who has covered the English Premier League since 2000 and has written 28 books.

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