Etiquette Expert Answers Your Divisive Holiday Queries, from Returning Gifts to Shutting Down 'Nosy' Relatives

Sara Jane Ho shares her helpful dos and don'ts so that you can give gifts, host parties and avoid all that pesky family drama

It’s the most wonderful — and sometimes, the most stressful — time of the year.

Etiquette expert Sara Jane Ho is sharing her dos and don'ts for the festive season exclusively with PEOPLE so that you can give gifts, host parties and avoid all that pesky family drama like a pro.

The best part is, Ho, whose book Mind Your Manners is available for pre-order now before its April release, says all of her advice stems from real-life situations she has found herself in.

In other words, her etiquette is one for a modern age.

“The book is really special to me because I share a lot of my learnings and my mistakes. And I am also very vulnerable because I share my personal experiences,” she tells PEOPLE.

Here are some of her top tips for a successful season of greetings:

Gifting Guide

Once your friends begin having children, Ho advises that the gift-giving goes right to the kids.

“It's almost like the kids replace the friends because the kids are the most important thing to them, to any parent. All you need to do is make the kids happy, and then your friends will be happy,” she says.

Ho's go-to present for young kids is Legos.

“Walking in with a big Lego will definitely immediately make you the favorite aunt or uncle. You can never go wrong. And then when the girls get a little bigger, 11 or 12, you can do makeup. Like little lip glosses because those are easy and are not heavy makeup," she adds.

Giving friends and family gift cards is a perfectly acceptable practice, too, but stick to a restaurant, says Ho, and make sure the minimum is no less than $50.

“I don't know if two people can even eat for $50, honestly,” she says. “But, if you are on a tight budget, then I prefer to buy something small like seasoning. It could be an olive oil, but a really special olive oil. Even that won't set you back. You can get a super nice olive oil for $30, or a beautiful Pink Himalayan sea salt.”

Still, Ho recognizes that the appeal of gift cards is that they can make gifting a tricky recipient much easier. In her view, the gift card's more preferable cousin is what she calls an "experience."

“Anything I give my dad, I know he won't use. He's extremely particular," she says. "So then I'll give him tickets to a musical.”

When facing gift-giving with a married couple, Ho recommends buying a joint gift if they recently wed, like “something for their new home together. Or a picture frame.”

Otherwise, Ho says that it’s okay to “prioritize the wife over the husband because men don't really care as much as girls do. So I prioritize the wife, and I get something that I know she would enjoy.”

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Now, what happens if you and a group of friends or family set a price limit for a gift exchange, and somebody goes blatantly over the limit?

Ho says to prevent this from happening, you also set a punishment when you set the price ceiling.

“Make it a fun punishment,” she says, like, “whoever goes over [the limit] gets fined. You have to give everyone cash. If there's no downside, then people won't be incentivized to stay within that limit.”

And, yes, it is always rude to ask somebody for the receipt if you don’t like their gift.

“You should never let on that you don't like it, even if you think it's terrible. You should always act grateful because at the end of the day, it's about the gesture,” says Ho. “But what you can do is you can re-gift it. And I'm a big fan of re-gifting because I receive things I don't use all the time, but then if I'm going to a friend's house, the stuff is [still] cute or it's nice.”

The only rules with re-gifting, says Ho, are that you have to make sure you’re dealing with different social circles, and you have to double check that the gift hasn’t been monogrammed or personalized for you.

As for gifts for your child’s teacher?

“No more mugs,” says Ho with a laugh. “I think actually for teachers, those experience gifts are quite nice, or a gift card to a very nice restaurant. It's a treat. You want to give the teacher something that they wouldn't buy for themselves.”

The same rule applies to gifting your child’s teacher wine if that’s what you choose — you want to make it a bottle they wouldn’t necessarily buy on their own.

“I don't see an issue with wine,” says Ho. “If let's say your kid is in pre-K and you're gifting wine, that might be a little strange because technically wine should not be around minors, but if it is something special, like say a wine from your heritage country or say you're from California, and it's wine from Napa? I don’t see why not.”

Party Protocols

At this point, Ho says it is a little “maniacal” to ask your guests to take a Covid test before coming to a party you're hosting.

“But if you want to do that, then you should give an excuse and say, ‘By the way, I'm so sorry. I'm seeing my very elderly father the next day, and because he had a bad case of Covid before, I'm just taking extra precautions. Do you mind taking a Covid test before the party I'm holding?’”

And if, on the flip side, you’re going to be a guest at a party but you’re feeling a little under the weather, Ho says you should really use your best judgement.

“If it's a common cold and you know it's not Covid, then it is okay. An occasional cough and an occasional sniffle where you take yourself to the restroom and blow your nose once an hour, that's permissible. But if you are going to be hacking away or sneezing away, the last thing people want is for you to be sneezing all over them or the food,” she reasons.

“In that case, you should be a last minute cancellation, and you should explain. You say, ‘I'm so sorry. I've come down with a terrible cough,’ and then actually this is what I use when I want to do last minute cancellations, even if I'm not sick. I say, ‘Oh gosh, the last thing I want to do is sneeze and cough all over your other guests. So I'm going to do the right thing, and I'm just going to bow out. And I'm so sad to miss your holiday party, but wishing it a great success.’”

Often, people have guests who come to stay with them during the holiday season, and conflicts and double bookings are sometimes unavoidable. Ho says you have two options if this happens.

“Let's say you have one friend staying with you, and you want to bring them along. And you tell the host and you should talk them up, say something about them that would make them attractive to the host," she says. "And then I'd say, ‘Is it okay if I bring them? Because I also think it's somebody I would love for you to meet.’”

Ho notes that she’ll also qualify her ask as she understands she may be imposing, and if there’s no space or the host declines, she moves on to option two.

“I gauge if the person I'm hosting is important enough where I need to be by their side. If I still really want to go to this party, what I do is I tell my guest, ‘I'm so sorry. This is something I committed to before you were coming,’ and then I arrange for somebody else to take my guest out to dinner so then my guest is not alone," she explains. "I say, ‘Oh, I have some really good friends who are doing something else, and they'd love to include you, and then we can meet up afterwards.'"

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But what happens when those additional party guests are your own children?

“Definitely do not bring kids unless the host says so,” Ho says. “And you can ask. You can say, ‘Oh, is it child-friendly?’ Never surprise your kids on other people."

Guests with children at home, however, end up making the perfect people to give leftover party food to.

“I personally dislike wastage, so I like to make sure that the food will go to people who will finish it — say people with a lot of kids — assuming the leftovers are good leftovers and not scraps," Ho says. "Somebody who has kids, especially young boys, will be very grateful for it."

And ultimately, the top two rules of holiday parties are in fact split between hosting and attending.

As the host, the cardinal rule is to always ask people ahead of time about any dietary restrictions, and then prepare food for them to eat.

“You can't expect them to then bring their own dish,” Ho says.

And as the attendee?

“You never want to show up empty-handed to anybody's house,” says Ho. Even “a bottle or two of wine and a lovely box of chocolates” will suffice.

Drama Decorum

Maybe you have a mom who won't stop asking about grandkids, or you have that uncle who always wants to talk about politics. The best way to handle personal questions, says Ho, actually depends on who is doing the asking.

If it’s not your own family, she says, being “agreeable” in the name of not “pissing off” someone else’s friends or relatives can help keep the peace.

“Because you're agreeing, they can't really do more. If you disagree or challenge them, then they can enter into conflict or pry further,” she says. “If you're just smiley and agreeable, then you're like water. You're just going smoothly with the flow.”

But when the people asking the nosy questions are your own family or friends, “you can piss them off if you really want to” says Ho with a laugh. Though the best way to handle the situation is to “use humor to deflect.”

“The thing is that because they’re your family, they know how to push your buttons. They're the best at pushing your buttons,” she says. “So if you take things personally, if you start getting into a fight, then you've just taken the bait, [when in reality] the greatest power is not letting people feel that they have power over you.”

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Family picture etiquette can also be a touchy subject for those who have significant others but not spouses.

“What you do is you take two photos. You take one with them in it and one without,” says Ho.

In fact, she says, if they’re a new boyfriend or girlfriend or partner, “they should have the presence of mind to step out or say, ‘I'll take the photo.’”

As for in-laws with whom you may have a precarious relationship with?

“Technically they're senior to you, and they're older, and you should be respectful to them. If they see that they're excluded [from a picture], it is a little bit disrespectful," admits Ho. "So maybe wait until they're in the bathroom or in a separate area. Because if you're going to have everybody except for the in-laws that you dislike — and honestly, the in-laws probably know you dislike them — you’re kind of just asking for it.”

Corporate Courtesies

When it comes to gift-giving in the workplace, Ho says you really only need to get a gift for your boss if they’re also a “mentor” and if you have a “good relationship with them.” Otherwise, it can get awkward if you have a “not-so-good relationship” with your boss and you buy them a gift and they have nothing for you in return, she says.

“I would say just don't make it an expensive gift. Don't look like you're trying too hard. You don't want to look like you're trying to kiss ass,” she says with a laugh.

Instead, make sure you can make the gift something “funky and unexpected, or even something for the office, like a plant."

And finally, if you’re planning to bake goods to bring into the office, Ho says the rule is you “have to offer to everybody. You can't be selective. You can't be like, ‘Oh, I'm only going to gift it to Daniel and Lisa.’ That doesn't look good. If you bake, bake in volumes, and you bring it out into the pantry for everybody," she says. "And everybody from the biggest boss, the cleaning lady, whoever's in your path, you offer them this.”

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