I finally came out as gay at 55 years old after 2 marriages with women. Telling my children was surprisingly easy.

• The pandemic was the catalyst for my decision to come out at 55 to my children, who supported me.

• I entered the gay dating world in my 50s, expecting it to be very different from what I found.

• I eventually met my partner, and my coming out has been liberating.

I'm a middle-aged man who has been married twice and widowed. I'm also a father to two grown children. And I'm gay.

My sexuality was a burden I carried for so long, and hiding it became part of my core identity, weighing me down. But I finally had the courage to come out at 55. Honestly, I sometimes wish I hadn't waited so long. 

Growing up in the '80s was not a safe environment for a queer kid, so I chose to hide my true self

Growing up in the '80s in Las Vegas, I was in a different, difficult time. I knew as early as 12 or 13 that I was different, but in those days, I had no frame of reference for what it meant to be gay. Blatant homophobia and pressure to fit in left me thinking I was some sort of freak. I avoided getting close to anyone and buried my secret, in favor of a more "normal" experience.

I eventually met and married a wonderful woman who knew my secret, and we started a family together. When cancer stole her a few years later, I was left with two young children to raise. During that long journey of grief and single parenthood, I had a few more relationships with women; I even married again, briefly.

During all those years, I knew what I was and what I really wanted, but I kept the secret and never acted on it.

I didn't want to die in the pandemic and have no one ever know the truth about me

By spring 2020, my youngest was graduating from high school, and I was approaching the empty nest.

The many months of pandemic lockdowns allowed me the perspective to reevaluate my past and steer my future. I realized if I died too young, like my first wife, I'd leave this planet never having lived my life as I was meant to. What if I died and no one ever knew the real me?

So with a terrifying leap, I decided to come out — first to myself, then to others, cautiously.

I did my research by watching everything I could find on the queer experience, coming out, and gay romance. I asked my gay friends to share their stories, and they were brave and generous with their advice.

With all this inspiration, I was ready. I told my kids, my parents and family, and my friends. I was especially nervous about telling my late wife's family. I worried they'd think our marriage had been a sham.

When I told my children — who were 22 and 18 at the time — they were basically like, "Oh, OK. What's for dinner?" In their world, it simply doesn't matter whether a person is gay or straight. They just want me to be happy.

It turns out that all my worry was in vain. Everyone I told was so happy for me and so understanding and accepting. I know not all coming-out stories are like this, which makes me especially grateful for my positive experience.

Dating in this brave, new world of the internet was not what I was expecting

As a newly minted gay man, I wanted to experience dating as a 20-something twink, but I was a 55-year-old trapped in a dad bod. That meant navigating dating apps was an adventure, and avoiding the traps of impossible body standards and weird hookup culture was not easy.

There was so much I didn't know. Was I a top or a bottom? What am I into? Do I want hookups or a relationship? Are my photos sexy or cringe? And what are poppers?

Guys I was attracted to didn't respond, and some of the guys contacting me were into some next-level kinky stuff. Often when I revealed that I was just figuring all this out, flirtation turned to advice, dismissal, or ghosting.

I had a few awkward hookups and dates, but my body wasn't responding the way I thought it would. More than once, I despaired that I went to all the trouble of coming out only to be forever alone anyway. But the truth is, I would rather be alone as an openly gay man living authentically than alone as a closeted one.

Coming out has been the best thing I could have done in this season of my life

While part of me wishes I had come out earlier in life, I've realized I couldn't have come out any sooner than I did; it all worked out exactly as it needed to. When I could no longer carry the burden of the closet, the rainbow world I came out into was different from what I expected, but I found my place eventually.

I'm happy to say that I have been in a relationship with my partner, Jack, for more than two years now, and I am very happy. I'm still learning, still exploring, still figuring it all out, but I'm doing so unburdened and authentically me.

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