My mom before retirement: I just want to retire and help with the kids
My mom during retirement: sorry, can’t help, the garden doesn’t just garden itself ya know
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) September 13, 2023
You might be a parent if you’ve ever opened a fruit snack packet with your teeth at 8 AM while sitting on the toilet.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 10, 2023
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By "the holidays" she's referring to her birthday next month.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 13, 2023
…..why is target selling a sheet set for toddlers that looks like a chalk outline from a crime scene pic.twitter.com/0mMekUjpFj
— emily (@emilykmay) September 9, 2023
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 12, 2023
Olivia Rodrigo: 2+2=5 and I’m the love of your life
My daughter, disgusted: 2+2=4 lady!
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) September 10, 2023
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I'm not gonna tell you... but it's about a marker
Me: Oh no
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 11, 2023
My biggest soccer mom pet peeve is when parents scream at their kids from the sidelines to get to a different position than where their coach put them. So I wanna give a trophy to the 9yo that just turned from the middle of the field & screamed I’M DEFENSE to her yelling dad. 💥
— Meghan 💜💙| The Pursuing Life (@thepursuinglife) September 9, 2023
My kid, practicing for school picture day pic.twitter.com/ezimCRf9w9
— meghan (@deloisivete) September 13, 2023
Raising smart kids is all fun and games until one day your 13 y/o beats you in chess for the first time and your pride in their intelligence changes to suspicion about whether they cheated.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) September 14, 2023
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 11, 2023
The first time you change the sheets on a bunk bed is when you realize what a terrible invention they are.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 13, 2023
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 12, 2023
‘This house is entirely too clean’
-my family, probably
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 12, 2023
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) September 14, 2023
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit's on me for not specifying.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 11, 2023
Every morning my 3yo tells me "I wish you would straighten your hair and put on lipstick" and tbh if he was my boyfriend I'd break up with him for this.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 13, 2023
My toddler has learned how to say that she wants to go to sleep and she says it while lying in bed for an hour and not going to sleep
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) September 12, 2023
Occasionally I say to myself "trying to work out regularly is next to impossible with little kids!" And then I see my neighbors running together with a baby in 1 jogging stroller and 2 kids in a double jogging stroller and I say to myself, "well, working out isn't everything."
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) September 11, 2023
me: it’s bedtime
my 5yo: *makes me rank my favorite numbers from 1 to 9 in order*
— meghan (@deloisivete) September 11, 2023
*Me changing shirts*
5YO: What are those round things on your chest?
Me: You mean my nipples?
5yo: Yeah, why do you have those?
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 14, 2023
becoming a mother has added to the respect i have for my own mother. but. she always said i started talking at six months and now that i’ve reared a child through infancy i cannot emphasize enough how much that did not happen.
— am rod (@arod_twit) September 14, 2023