Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below, then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
You loved playing “Allergies or COVID?” Now get ready for “Mosquito Bite or Monkeypox!”
— Kingfisher & Wombat (@UrsulaV) August 2, 2022
(me staring down a long line of red flags) omg a parade
— trash jones (@jzux) July 30, 2022
By age 30 you should have at least 40 different tote bags you don‘t need but keep stuffed into one larger tote bag which is the one you‘d technically need the most but now can no longer access
— Dr. Sabrina Mittermeier (@S_Mittermeier) August 4, 2022
america is wrong about everything except fahrenheit. farenheit is the correct way to measure temperature. fahrenheit is like "man, it's so hot out. it's gotta be like.......100 hots."
— erin chack (@ErinChack) July 30, 2022
I don’t think the earth is flat but it should be (I’m hiking)
— Lucy Dacus (@lucydacus) August 1, 2022
We've all been there, little pepper, all been there x pic.twitter.com/vWNfVtCKVk
— Penny Pigtails (@Tracey_Ann_C) July 31, 2022
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) August 2, 2022
apple take they lil $9.99 at the worst time now I gotta eat music for breakfast 😭
— Sarai 🧡 (@QueenSaraiii) August 1, 2022
i was really listening to ke$ha in middle school feeling like the sluttiest it girl when i wouldn’t have my first kiss for another 6 years
— em 🍓 (@uhhmmily) August 3, 2022
we talk a lot about intergenerational wealth but I think we need to start talking about the inherited coolness held by ppl with art school parents who introduced them to esoteric media at a young age
— rayne fisher-quann (@raynefq) July 30, 2022
just texted my dad to ask if i’m vaccinated against polio, now i gotta put on my poodle skirt and get ready for the sock hop
— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) August 2, 2022
I love when people refer to a solution as a "silver bullet" because it implies the problem is a werewolf.
— grem (@jessica_schalz) August 1, 2022
when I get negative feedback: omg so true, thank you for your honesty
when I get positive feedback: why would you lie to me like this
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 2, 2022
Referring to my C-section as “unboxing the baby”
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) August 4, 2022
My toxic trait is that I’ve never used the second half of an onion later.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 3, 2022
im not “spreading rumors about you” im “contributing to your legend and mythology” and you’re welcome.
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) August 1, 2022
I feel like w/ the HBO Max situation some startup is gonna reinvent and sell DVDs but call them like Dysc or Cyrcle
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 5, 2022
I don’t think our plan to have a society made up of 300 million rugged individualists is going well.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) August 2, 2022
no i don't want to "continue building new friendships in my community" i want to "force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties" why is that a problem????
— Alix E. Harrow (@AlixEHarrow) August 1, 2022
I text "just met my future husband!" to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) August 2, 2022
I don't hold grudges. I wish you a life as beautiful as your ugly heart.
— S🌟tella (@Havish_AF) August 4, 2022
do NOT speak to me until i've had my sourdough toast with pesto and ripe slices of heirloom tomato sprinkled with red pepper flakes and a little bit of maldon salt
— layla (@laylology) August 4, 2022
oh you have a sugar daddy? that’s cool i have a salt mommy (mother that’s not very nice to me)
— trash jones (@jzux) August 2, 2022
Coworker: Good morning!
Me: This could have been an email.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 2, 2022
This article originally appeared on HuffPost and has been updated.