Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
overheard a girl step outside where it’s a little chilly and say “it’s giving jacket”
— rebecca jennings (@rebexxxxa) June 4, 2023
my bedtime routine is simple. I open a can of seltzer, take one sip and then abandon it before passing out
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 5, 2023
me (sending slack message to client): should I do X or Y?
guy who makes a quarter of a million dollars a year: 👍
— lauren (@NotABigJerk) June 6, 2023
When my doctor wanted to know whom to contact in an emergency, I wrote down his name.
— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) June 5, 2023
robert irwin: hi-
his entire comment section: you are so much like your DEAD FATHER! your FATHER! who DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH! do you remember that? your dad who got MURDERED by a STING RAY? thank you for carrying his LEGACY while he ROTS IN THE GROUND because he is DEAD
— yasmin (@ycsm1n) June 7, 2023
cop: is that a smirnoff ice in your car
me: sure is, buddy. drink up
cop: (taking a knee) damnit
— trash jones (@jzux) June 5, 2023
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
— erin chack (@ErinChack) June 7, 2023
It’s not a good meal unless I have to take my shirt off to eat it
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) June 9, 2023
I would love to find a picket line today that’s just me quietly walking along the beach.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) June 7, 2023
My niece came home with a hicky and her parents asked me to talk to her because COOL AUNT 🦸🏽♀️ (that’s 31 with a 15 yr old 😅)
Why I text her “heyyyyy Hicki Minaj 🌝”
Maybe I’m emotionally stunted because there’s no reason to play this much 😭
— J*jo S*wa is 39 years old 💇🏼♀️👱🏻 (@arieella_) June 5, 2023
at a bibimbap place and a young guy next to me just said “I’ve actually forgotten how to use forks because I spent so long in Japan” to his date do I say something do I save her
— Stevie Martin (@5tevieM) June 8, 2023
Science doesn’t know why I look so good in a bra and underwear and so bad in swimsuits
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 3, 2023
Just watched a woman pull back into her spot at Costco bc the dude waiting for her honked for her to hurry up. I feel so blessed to have witnessed
— motorized pistachio (@sportsbroad) June 4, 2023
buying a used book is smart because you don't have to do anything it's already been read
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) June 8, 2023
Happy pride from the trans affirming misogynist parrot pic.twitter.com/OWLPpD77DS
— ms. entertainment (@hersterics) June 3, 2023
I love watching The Kardashians it’s so soothing. It feels like taking your brain out of your head and soaking it in a warm bath and then putting it back
— julia hava (@binchcity) June 2, 2023
remember when cupcakes had this huge moment in like 2010 and cupcake shops opened everywhere and you couldn’t get normal desserts anywhere u had to eat gigantic dry cupcakes that were $15 each
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) June 4, 2023
THERAPIST: stop holding yourself to unattainable standards, you can’t expect to be the best at everything right away
THERAPIST: I’m pleased you’re so open to—
ME: I will have more attainable standards than any of your other patients by this time next week
— Yell in a Strike (@jelenawoehr) June 8, 2023
every time a new season of itysl comes out my boyfriend immediately adopts Tim Robinson character mannerisms and becomes impossible to be around for 1-3 weeks
— rayne fisher-quann (@raynefq) June 7, 2023
a friends boyfriend is either your enemy or your uncle
— 𝔄𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔩 (@midevilwoman) June 7, 2023
I don’t think we should let trump run again. what if he picks a new color and ruins a whole other kind of hat?? and other things too
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) June 7, 2023
I’m a recovering pleasure to have in class, which means I’ll still probably do what you want but now I’m not happy about it
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 7, 2023
— evelyn gee frick (@evelyngfrick) June 6, 2023
Listen, I have had the misfortune of reading approximately 100 "now you know how the rest of the country feels" posts and first of all: we don't! You have nature and you're used to it. We have no nature. We KILLED nature. We get excited when our park has ONE owl.
— Heidi N. Moore (@moorehn) June 7, 2023
love that people in nyc are like "damn shit looks crazy outside" and west coast weirdos respond like "OH YEAH?? NAME THREE WILDFIRES"
— pilot (@pilotviruet) June 7, 2023
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
— trash jones (@jzux) June 5, 2023
new yorkers around the city learning about alberta for the first time by choking on it.
— scaachi (@Scaachi) June 7, 2023
Shoutout to the woman on my train who had the name Kevin tattooed on her arm, and then a newer, big red VOID tattooed on top.
— Lizzie O'Leary (@lizzieohreally) June 7, 2023
Not drinking is awesome because it gives you the radical opportunity to find other things that will make you hungover to the brinj of death. Like having too much sugar or staying up one half hour too late.
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) June 3, 2023
Me, simply looking for the hours a restaurant is open on their website.
Their website: We assume you are wondering why we decided to open a restaurant, it all started 15 years ago when Chef Dave grew his first cherry tomato…
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 4, 2023