I'm in my 50s and date younger men. I find they're attracted to my confidence, and I'm not looking to settle down.
I'm in my 50s and most of the men I date are in their 20s and 30s.
Some people judge me for it and don't understand my approach, but others are encouraging.
I find that what I want is more aligned with what younger men are looking for.
When I was a kid, I assumed the only excitement available to a 50-something woman would be picking out her coffin from the funeral director's catalog. Life is full of surprises, because when I turned 50, instead of looking for the mahogany and satin number of my dreams, I found myself scrolling through the dating apps instead.
The men in my age bracket weren't holding up too well. Instead, they were holding up fish. Or sitting astride motorbikes. Or — worst of all — reclining, half-naked, upon pillows. Sure, if I wanted to meet a man whose profile picture was his wedding photo from 30 years earlier, with the bride's face scratched out, I was spoiled for choice. But I wanted to make real connections.
So, I deleted my age preference parameters. And that changed everything.
When guys in their 30s and late 20s started messaging me, I was flattered but trepidatious. I felt nervous that as soon as they saw me in the flesh — the soft, flabby flesh of a menopausal woman — they would leg it out of Starbucks faster than you could say "cougar."
But then I got chatting with Jake, 20 years my junior, who had no photos of dead fish or ex-wife in sight. He was funny, thoughtful, and easy both to talk to and on the eye. And he was very sure that he wanted to date me.
No, Jake wasn't "the one," but dating him helped me relax about age differences. The next time I was approached by a younger guy, I didn't hesitate to say yes.
Some people don't understand why I date younger men
Some people — mainly other women — disapprove of me dating younger guys. They wonder what we have to talk about. I understand their concerns, but the truth is, I've got way more in common with a younger man who's interested in books, films, and traveling than I do with someone my own age who spends his weekends fishing and expects his dinner on the table when he comes home.
But when I was catching up with friends after book club, one woman said she couldn't think of anything worse than dating a younger guy. The reason? His eyesight would be too good. "He'd be able to see all my flaws," she said, shuddering at the thought of her stretch marks and gray hairs being on display.
I understand her point — I also used to worry about my imperfections being judged by a younger, fitter person. But part of the joy of aging for me has been finding peace with my body. And the younger men I've dated really don't care. They're not looking for airbrushed perfection any more than I am.
Other people are encouraging
My friend Phoebe, an energetic 81-year-old, tells me she could do with a younger man. "Ah, but what would you do with him?" I asked.
She said she's planning to keep enjoying her sexuality as long as possible. "I'll stop when I need a hoist to get into bed," she said. She feels positive about what younger men have to offer. "At least they can keep up with me," she said. It's hard for her to meet a man her own age who she feels matches her energy.
Other friends are also supportive. They say it's love and connection that matter, not whether you share the same childhood memories or both have a prescription for reading glasses.
Why I'm going to keep dating younger men
But the ultimate reason I date younger men is because they're the men who want to date me. Younger men are attracted to confidence and individuality and are less taken with old-fashioned stereotypes. They're not looking for someone to replace the wife they've cut out of wedding pics. This suits me, too. I'm not looking to settle down, and I don't want to be doing wife work to support someone else's life while my own needs are put aside. Dating younger men has shown me that my needs and desires are important too. It's kindness and authenticity that matter, and age really is just a number.
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