Is your partner always angry? How to deal when your spouse vents their anger on you

Relationships often come with its share of challenges, and one significant hurdle many couples face is dealing with anger management issues. When your partner's fury lands on you, it's like a storm cloud hovering over the relationship, casting shadows on your physical and emotional well-being.

Some common triggers for these emotional thunderstorms in relationships include unmet expectations, unresolved past issues and breakdowns in communication. To delve into effective strategies for managing these triggers and dealing with a partner with anger management issues, we speak to two relationship experts, Cristina Gonzalez, a psychologist from Alliance Counselling and Grace Loh, a psychotherapist and coach from Counselling Perspective.

Healthy vs toxic fights

Loh says healthy spats focus on the issue rather than launching personal attacks. On the flip side, toxic conflicts are the carnival of personal digs and never finding a resolution.

“Healthy fights are characterised by a foundation of respectful communication, an intent to resolve issues collaboratively rather than triumph over the other, and a focus on addressing the problem at hand rather than attacking the individual,” Loh explains. “Conversely, toxic conflicts involve personal attacks, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and a lack of resolution.”

Gonzalez emphasised that anger itself isn't the villain; it's the expression that counts. Understanding what's bothering the angry partner is key to meeting their needs without the fireworks.

“The problem with anger is not the feeling itself but how it is expressed,” Gonzalez says. “When anger comes out in a way that is oppressive, scary, dismissive or threatening, it is important to set boundaries and create safer opportunities to talk and understand what is bothering the angry partner to help them have their needs met.”

Dealing with a bad-tempered partner

To help your partner deal with feelings of stress and anger, Loh recommends practices such as breathing exercises, meditation, journaling, as well as physical activities like yoga or jogging. These activities provide a good foundation in self-soothing and emotional regulation. In addition, she suggests implementing a predetermined safe word or signal during escalating tensions and taking breaks to cool down and regain composure.

After your partner has calmed down, it can also be useful to explore the emotions underlying the anger. Anger often masks softer feelings like fear or sadness. Unveiling these layers can be a game-changer.

“Dealing with the emotions underlying the anger can be helpful because often what is behind the anger are feelings that are easier to deal with, such as fear or sadness,” adds Gonzalez.

How to set clear boundaries

Even as you help your partner deal with their rage issues, it’s also important to practise self-care and enact clear boundaries. Communicate openly with your partner about the impact of their anger on you. Set clear and unequivocal boundaries regarding acceptable behaviour. Use assertive yet calm language to express your feelings, making it clear that abusive venting is unacceptable.

Gonzalez advises using a non-blaming approach when speaking to your partner.

“Let your partner know that if the anger is out of control or is expressed in a way that is dismissive, disrespectful or destructive, the interaction needs to be postponed to a moment when both partners are more regulated.”

She adds that postponing a conversation is different from avoiding it altogether. “Postponing a conversation can help to have both partners' needs met, whereas avoidance won’t help an important issue to be addressed and there is a risk that the issue will fester.”

When to see a professional

If your partner remains resistant to acknowledging their anger problem, consider seeking professional help together. Frame it as an opportunity for both of you to learn and grow, emphasising that therapy is a collaborative effort.

Gonzalez advises talking with your partner about the reasons behind their resistance, show empathy and validate the emotions behind their resistance. She also suggests reframing the issues as “we problems” as opposed to “you problems”.

“Frame it as an opportunity to have a more fulfilling relationship for the long term instead of an attempt to fix the other,” she adds.

Loh echoes her sentiments, adding, “Gentle encouragement, sharing your own feelings and proposing joint therapy sessions could facilitate progress. If your partner remains resistant, seeking individual counselling to navigate your emotions and boundaries [could be another option].”

Dealing with a romantic partner who has anger management issues and directs their anger at you is undoubtedly challenging, but it's not insurmountable. It's crucial to approach the situation with empathy, clear communication and a commitment to the wellbeing of both individuals involved. By prioritising safety, establishing boundaries and encouraging professional help, couples can navigate these challenges and work towards building a healthier, more resilient relationship.

Do you have a story tip? Email: sgnews.tips@yahooinc.com.

You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and Twitter. Also check out our Southeast Asia, Food, and Gaming channels on YouTube.