What it's like to raise a child at the age of ‘fantastic four’
As parents, many of us would have heard the terms ‘Terrible Twos’, ‘three-nagers’, and with our firstborn (nicknamed Barnacles), we are halfway into the ‘fantastic (but sometimes frustrating) fours’.
At nearly four-and-a-half years old, Barnacles has logical thinking, can hold a decent conversation, and is full of inquisitive questions – many of which we cannot answer. We often tell him ‘LMGTFY’ – Let me Google that for you – to the point that if we cannot answer his questions, he amusingly tells us “Check your phone!”
While he is mostly a joy to be around, it can certainly be trying at times to manage a child of this age. Here are a few key areas we found useful in our approach:
1. Discipline
At age four, we find that Barnacles is seeking independence. While directly telling him to do things often does not work, he is much more willing to listen if we gently reason with him on the importance of completing a certain task. As he is strong-willed, we also try not to go head-to-head with him but instead try to find a compromise if it is an area we can give and take on. That way, he feels like he has a say, and we also find that it helps in teaching him self-control and managing his own emotions.
Clearing up toys is one key example. We used to try telling him to clear his toys, but our instructions would fall on deaf ears eight out of 10 times. Today, we turn cleaning up toys into a game – for example, who can find the right box first, who can put 20 toys back in the box first, etc. If this and other methods fail, we tell him that the toys left on the floor will go into a donation box that will be given away at the end of the week if he continues to leave his toys strewn about. That last method usually gets him moving quickly, as we have followed through on our warning before.
When it comes to behaviour, we are very firm on respect for others, being polite, and no hitting. If he smacks his younger brother or deliberately snatches toys away, we discipline through denying privileges such as not allowing him to have his favourite tea-time snack, or no weekend cartoons, unless he does a good deed to make up for it. We do not believe in caning to punish, though, as we feel this sends the wrong message to our children that violence is an acceptable way to correct behaviour.
2. Leading by example
We’re sure that most people are familiar with the saying “actions speak louder than words”. We have realised that our children learn less from hearing our instructions than from watching our actions, which they may subconsciously try to emulate. For us, before chiding our own children for what we might consider bad behaviour, we sometimes have to remind ourselves that like it or not, children are often reflections of their parents.
3. Encouraging an inquisitive mind
We have found our four-year-old growing in leaps and bounds in his logic, vocabulary and endless questions. While we sometimes tire of answering continuous questions, we continue to tell him to keep asking questions – the best way to learn. We’ve observed that in Singapore culture, there tends to be a general reluctance to speak up and ask questions, and we want as much as possible to sustain our child’s healthy curiosity and willingness to openly ask about things.
We also try to involve Barnacles in everyday decisions so that he feels like a valued part of the household – even if it is a simple matter like where to go for lunch.
4. Patience
You know the common saying “take time to smell the roses”? Four-year-olds take a-long-time to smell the roses – or do anything, for that matter. In our fast-paced lives, we find ourselves saying “hurry up!” quite often, when our children move at a snail’s pace. Therefore, when we can, we leave parts of our free days unplanned, and let our children take the lead. This sometimes helps us feel more relaxed, too!
5. Finding humour in everyday things
Yes, even the seemingly negative things like endless food crumbs on the kitchen floor (because it means the kids had a good meal), toys strewn all over the living room (where the kids had an awesome time playing), a neck and backache every morning from sharing a bed with two small people who take up more space than one adult (because it means they just want to be close to Mummy and Daddy). All those, and more. Clichéd, you may say, but even though the days are long, the years are short. We seek to cherish every moment because we know at the back of our minds that they will not last forever.
On especially trying days, we sometimes have to remind each other to take a step back and place ourselves in the shoes of our young child. While we may get annoyed with them at times, remember that they, too, are at the age of the “frustrated fours”. We recently read a good article about how to encourage our children when they get upset if they cannot complete a task independently. If your child says he “Cannot do it!”, simply respond “Not… yet.” When Barnacles first started swimming lessons but didn’t know how to blow bubbles, we told him, “You just do not know how to blow bubbles… yet. With practice, you can!” Today, he can blow bubbles underwater effortlessly. This method has also helped to ease his frustration for other tasks he was initially unable to perform on his own, but managed to after a bit of practice.
While we certainly have a long way to go as parents, the above has helped us to be more tolerant and understanding. The reminder for extra patience is probably quite timely, as our nearly 18-month-old looks like he is well on his way to the “terrible” – or should we say “terrific” – twos!
Mummy and Daddy Daycare are the pseudonyms of a Singaporean husband and wife who are raising two young boys aged four and one, nicknamed Barnacles and Kwazii from the children’s Octonauts series. Get into the minds of this couple who describe parenthood as a lifetime adventure – you are always learning something new! Whoever said parenting was a walk in the park?
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