Love Island: All Stars' truly chaotic twist shows what's been missing
"There's one more All Star you could chose from," a dazzling Maya Jama told inaugural Love Island: All Stars bombshell Callum Jones on Monday night.
The ensuing needle drop was the closest ITV2's reality show is ever going to come to the Jaws 'dun dun' theme. In came Molly Smith walking the slow-mo walk of her life, making up for the fact she never got to do it the first time around as a Casa Amor entrant.
Mitch Taylor – arguably the one with the most tenuous claim to the All Star mantle – didn't know the pair were exes but when Kaz Kamwi informed him, he guffawed: "What is happening? This is the best thing ever." And maybe that closing twist was – at least in the recent Love Island barometer of things.
Going into Love Island: All Stars, your expectations were perhaps understandably low. None of the real all-star Islanders – Maura Higgins, Ovie Soko, Chris Hughes – were among the line-up, even if they did count a peripheral blink-all-you'll-miss-it member of the Barbie cast among the ranks.
But by the conclusion of the admittedly bloated 90-minute premiere, even the most dubious of doubters will be prepared to catch tonight's episode at the very least. After consecutive weak seasons of the bi-annual show, All Stars may be the mouth-to-mouth this flagging franchise needs.
The first episode showed that with contestants who have been through the Love Island rigmarole once before, the show's defanged producers have been able to reinsert some of those teeth. You wanted the public voting for couples to be revealed after the Islanders had chosen who they liked the look of? Done. Islanders allowed to keep their social-media accounts active? Coming right up.
Such procedures are of course usually in place for good reason. The welfare necessity is a catch-22 Love Island created for itself, after years of plucking contestants from obscurity, training cameras on their twentysomething flaws and then throwing them to the social-media sharks.
But it's not only the show at issue in the Love Island state of affairs. We as viewers want it both ways. We call for humane reality TV that cares about its contestants but then when the drama is toned down to meet the nicer, kinder reality moment, shows like Love Island fall prey to dismal ratings and complaints over the absent theatrics.
We can decry ITV as the villain, but whenever the voting public is given the chance, we pick the path of maximum resistance. In this first episode alone, Liberty Poole was paired with her 'You'remygurlfriend' ex Jake Cornish.
Meanwhile feminist hero Georgia Harrison looked deeply unhappy to be stuck next to Luis Morrison, whose exes have not had much good to say about him. Perhaps it's time to recognise we too are the problem. We just can't help ourselves.
This is the environment Love Island: All Stars arrives in, but in many ways the Hunger Games Quarter Quell-style decision to reap tributes from the existing pool gives the show the breathing room to have low-consequence fun again.
These are Love Island veterans who have been through the reality-show mill, and many others like it since, so they know what they're in for and for the most part aren't out for fame, followers and fast-fashion deals because they already have those things.
If we're speaking frankly, most of the All Stars didn't find love the first time and most likely won't the second – particularly if the line-up of returning men is any indicator. Instead, all they have to do is create good TV.
But a returning cast has given a different flavour to the villa. There are finally some Islanders north of 30 – practically pension age in the warped world view of the villa. A couple of them have kids, while others have been through the wringer romantically in various ways.
There's nostalgia to be had in seeing familiar characters back among the gaudy neon signs and hideous gold champagne flutes. Georgia H still makes occasionally baffling sartorial choices, opting for some Victorian widower cosplay in the South African evening heat.
And years after he shed tears at the sight of Craig David, Anton Danyluk is still unintentionally hilarious, magicking up a pair of glasses after Chris Taylor seemed to be having luck with the ladies while donning his own pair.
Then there's the post-villa Love Island bubble to stoke something interesting we've not yet seen. Cheeky chappie Chris might as well have had a producer earpiece in as he asked: "Has anybody in here already had sex with somebody in here?" From the hushed, awkward response, we're going to hazard a guess that the answer is not "No".
Many of the Islanders will share management or have met at events or have been on one of the many other reality shows around together. Georgia S and Toby have some sort of history and Chris has snuck into Demi Jones' DMs before.
In spite of all that, the producers have managed to keep a lot under wraps. Callum was knocked puce by Molly's appearance and while we're not convinced neither Kaz nor Liberty knew the other was going in, Liberty was genuinely aghast when Jake and his new matured moustache walked out.
Those saying it's all a little Ex on the Beach aren't wrong, but in some ways Love Island can hum along when past relationships, like that between Gemma Owen and Jacques O'Neill, are brought into the mix.
It's worth noting that Callum and Molly were in a long-term relationship, which has now been used as chum to froth up the drama-ravaged Love Island viewership, even if both parties did sign up to do so.
The show's comprehensive welfare guidelines and aftercare are still important and clearly necessary. If reports of Jake's departure from the villa are anything to go by, it's still choppy waters in the villa, even if they have been through it once before. Or more than once for those fresh off Love Island Games.
There's certainly a balance to all of this, even if All Stars does allow producers to take the twists and thrills further than they might in the regular series.
It's encouraging that they recognise the days of viewers tuning in for Love Island just because they always have are long gone. With rivals like The Traitors airing at the same time, ITV2 needs to deliver something that isn't just a rehash of past series with different cyborg faces involved.
The only issue now is whether this boisterous first outing is sustainable, in both the five-week run and then beyond. Even if All Stars is a smash, it won't be easy to recreate another from the dwindling pool of genuinely watchable Islanders out there.
As ever with Love Island in recent years, this might still be a case of waiting to see if the flashy fun is here to stay or just whimpers away.
Love Island: All Stars continues on ITV2, ITVX & STV.
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