No One Should Ever Go Into The Ocean, And These Pictures Of Terrifying Sea Creatures Will Prove It
For some reason, scientists and adventurers seem to love exploring around in the depths of the ocean. But there's absolutely no need to do that because we have everything we need here on land: reality TV, foot massagers, and Cheetos. Plus, have you seen the horrifying abominations that live down there? Well, steel yourself and take a look — you'll definitely agree that no one needs to go into the ocean, EVER.
1.First up: Ursula, I think one of your mermaid slugs got out of debtor's prison.
Okay, why exactly does the Sloane's viperfish need fangs this long? And where's the end of its jaw? Is that a beard? Does it have two mouths? Can someone direct me to Sloane so she can answer my questions? Also, can she blow some sort of Pied Piper whistle and draw these things away to another planet?
2.Wow, they're already aware of 90s facial hair trends.
It feels like the ribbon sawtail fish is probably a third cousin of the viperfish. Should we be allowing this freak of the week to have a lure for a goatee? I think not. Sloane, can you help me out with this one too?
3.Here's a little creep that hides in holes and perfectly blends in with its surroundings.
Why does a jawfish need so many tiny little teeth, and how is it getting its eyeliner to stay on underwater? I really don't need something with powers like this being aware of my existence.
4.This little fiend is completely covered in spikes.
5.Obviously, this monster has far too many teeth.
Sharks, am I right? Biting people, ruining beach days, having horror movies made about them. No love lost here.
6.I'm pretty sure this fish is making a pass at me.
Honestly, the most terrifying thing about this trunkfish is the evidence that fish have evolved underwater aestheticians and lip filler. I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of them getting their slimy little fins on our technology.
7.You say tentacles, I say claws. Potato, potahto.
Not only do fish have aestheticians, flame jellyfish have manicurists. Things are getting wayyy too advanced beneath the sea. Next thing we know, they're gonna be coming up here to do their own scientific research. *shiver*
8.I actually think I may have pulled this out of my shower drain.
I can kind of see the frogfish's mouth and eyes, but I don't want to.
9.Absolutely not.
Stonefish do not need to be doing things like this, even if they're just playing around to see how deep they can bury their friends at the beach. Unless this thing is cosplaying Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple, I refuse to go anywhere near it.
10.Oh fun, another thing covered in spikes.
I'm reading that this is a sea cucumber — but I've seen a cucumber, and it looks nothing like this. This is a living flesh log with little pokey bits all over, and I hate it.
11.A holographic nocturnal disco demon.
This shiny little monster is called a Bobbit worm, and if you remember newsworthy events from the 90's, you'll know why. That sail-looking thing is apparently its set of extremely sharp jaws, and that segmented body is something I'll never let within a mile of my person.
12.You've gotta be kidding me.
We all know exactly what the stingrays and their cronies did to Saint Steve Irwin. I refuse to swim anywhere near these assassins.
13.This grump actually seems to understand my feelings about ocean life.
You're right, polka-dot batfish. The photographer shouldn't be there, and neither should anyone else. Feel free to uh...walk away on those legs? Or swim. I have no idea what those appendages are, and I'm too afraid to ask.
14.This is the Mind Flayer from Stranger Things, right?
As if we don't have enough spiders on land, there are sea spiders under the water. I'd like to only be exposed to half of the Earth's spider population, please. Frankly, even that is too much.
15.There are even fish that look like my fingertips after I've been in the bath too long.
Why is this wolffish deflating? It literally lives in a bath, 24/7. There's something suspicious going on here, and I don't like it.
16.This Kirkland brand lobster has been around since the Paleozoic Era.
Look, the isopod should be extinct by now. I'm sure that's bad for habitats or whatever, but I think we should focus on what's best for me. And that is for this armored bug creature that can evade death for millennia not to exist.
17.Lastly, perhaps the most terrifying thing of all...
There's always a chance you'll run into a MAN in the ocean, maybe even one ALSO using a goatee as a lure. And who would you rather run into alone in the sea, a man or a hideous demon with a trillion teeth? We all know the answer to that one.
This is just a small selection of the horrors of the ocean — so what do you think? Have you been convinced never to go into the sea again, or do I need to show you more sharp and angry-looking creatures?
