Opinion: 7 More Embarrassing Things Rudy’s Done Than Peeing on Zoom

We have all heard by now that former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani may have left his mic on while he peed during a Zoom meeting on Tuesday. Shortly before pleading not guilty in his arraignment on multiple felony charges, he live streamed the audio of a shall-we-say live stream of his own. And sure, that’s a little embarrassing.

But you know what? It’s 2024. We’ll all eventually forget to turn off our mics and pee on Zoom. It’s part of being alive now, like hitting reply-all when you didn’t mean to or accidentally liking your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s instagram picture from two years ago and having to delete your social media and move to a commune in Wyoming. We’ve all been there. We’ll all be there again. In fact, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that peeing on Zoom is actually the least embarrassing thing that Rudy Giuliani has ever done.

So here are a few things Rudy Giuliani has done that are more embarrassing than (ahem, allegedly) peeing on zoom.

Sending out an Amazon Wishlist for his 80th birthday party

Oh sure, the man once dubbed “America’s Mayor” turned current troll doll who got left out in the sun for 146 years, told his birthday guests that they didn’t have to bring presents to his multiple celebrations. But if they were dying to, would they mind grabbing him some stain-blocking ceiling paint, a razor, and, hey, maybe a sleeper chair from Amazon? Please?

Oh to have the optimism of a man charged with 9 felonies, who believes he’s going to live out his remaining days lying back, clean-shaven on his cozy sleeper chair, staring at his newly stain-free ceiling.

Getting served with notice of his indictment at that same birthday party

For just the price of a morally questionable friendship and one Amazon sleeper chair, you too could have witnessed Giuliani being served with notice of his indictment just hours after tweeting “If Arizona authorities can’t find me by tomorrow morning: 1. They must dismiss the indictment; 2. They must concede they can’t count votes.”

Well Arizona authorities could in fact find him, potentially because he essentially just tweeted his own location, and he was served notice later that night.

Hawking coffee with his face on it

In a video that is only slightly less painful to watch than one showing your parents having sex, Giuliani introduces his new $30-a-bag coffee, which has three varieties: Bold, Decaf, and… Morning. “Hey Dennis, what kind of coffee are you drinking?” “Morning coffee!” “Yes, that is a completely reasonable thing to say and I in no way think you are an alien sent here to observe our human ways!”

The former mayor filed for bankruptcy last December, and apparently is trying to keep his finances afloat by selling coffee from what can only be described as an office kitchen the day after the rapture.

And, to be clear, these are just his mortifying moments from the last week! If we’re really doing a greatest hits, we can’t forget these other gems.

Allegedly farting during a Michigan voter fraud hearing

It’s mortifying enough that he was ranting about fake claims of voter fraud in an election hearing with lawmakers. Only Giuliani could make it worse by adding musical accompaniment. One of the lawmakers confirmed that the farting was, in fact, real:

This raises a lot of questions. Not about voter fraud– about what Giuliani’s been eating, and about what that Michigan lawmaker did have on his 2020 Bingo card (I looked back and mine was just numbers and letters! Should I ask for my money back?)

Sticking his hand down his pants with the actress playing Borat’s daughter

Look, there are a few phrases that strike fear into the hearts of the famous. “Ronan Farrow is writing an article about you.” “Turns out your plastic surgeon printed their diploma on Microsoft Word.” And of course, “You’ve been caught fondling yourself in the new Borat movie.”

Finding out 14 years after his wedding that he had married his cousin

Listen, is it dangerous to marry your second cousin? Probably not. Is it hilarious? Absolutely. On the bright side, Giuliani managed to accomplish something that’s usually reserved for royalty–sleeping with a family member and somehow still getting to rule over millions of people.

Four words: Four Seasons Total Landscaping

I’ll just say it. That was the best day the internet will ever have. He thought it was the Four Seasons Hotel! It was next to a dildo store! And across the street from a crematorium! If a giant meteor had destroyed the Earth that day, we would have ended on a high note.

Accidentally live-streaming audio of you peeing because you forgot to turn off your Zoom mic? Totally normal. Just being Rudy Giuliani for the past 80 or so years? Pretty embarrassing.

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