Opinion: Michael Ian Black: Biden, Get Your Ass Out There and Make Some Headlines

Photo Illustration by Thomas Levinson/The Daily Beast/Getty
Photo Illustration by Thomas Levinson/The Daily Beast/Getty

Forgive my Scrantonese, but where the fuck is Joe Biden?

As Donald Trump’s leathery mug fills the cable news networks day after day during his fucking criminal trial, why isn’t the President of the United States hopscotching across the country tooting his own goddamned horn?

When an exhausted Trump emerges from his shabby Manhattan courtroom every day to yell at the sky, why aren’t there contrasting images of Biden base-jumping off the Statue of Liberty or some other freedom-loving bullshit like that?

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Joe, you need to get your face on the news, and I’m sorry, but your little speeches about “policy” aren’t going to cut the mustard. Make it look like you actually want the job.

Get freaky.

Sign up for the Nathan’s Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest. Strap yourself onto a motorcycle and jump over some school buses. It doesn’t have to even be that many—maybe five? Let me ask you something. You don’t think you’d win this election walking away if you jumped five fucking school buses on a Harley?

Fuck yes you would, Joe!

Why am I not seeing you literally handing out cash? I’m not talking about “student debt relief” which is fine and all, but it doesn’t have the same grandeur as Uncle Joe strolling into Dairy Queen and making it rain.

“Blizzards on me, baby!”

Can’t you just hear the approval rating tick up?

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And don’t give me any excuses about how you’re too busy governing to indulge in cheap theatrics. What the hell is American governance in the modern era besides cheap theatrics?

Why do you think Kristi Noem is out there recounting her career as an animal hitman? Why do you think Tim Scott is out there “aw-shucks”-ing his way to a potential VP nod by refusing to say he would accept the outcome of the election? Why is Marjorie Taylor Greene trying to orchestrate a coup in the House even though she knows she can’t win?

They’re making headlines while you’re making speeches.

Pick a fight with Drake. Do some fucking thing.

Trump said he’s willing to go to jail to protect his constitutional right to intimidate witnesses. What are you willing to do? What about encasing yourself in a block of solid ice for a couple days like David Blaine?

Do some shit like that.

And why didn’t I see you showing a little skin at the Met Gala on Monday night? Hear me out: You could’ve walked the Met Gala red carpet in a standard presidential tux, right? Then when you hit the paparazzi line, you’d spin around with a saucy wink to reveal that the pants are entirely assless. You don’t think you would win the election right there?!?

Fuck yes, you would, Joe!

Maybe you want to recapture the support of the youth vote after mangling the war in Israel for the last eight months. We already know you’re not calling for a ceasefire, which is what the kids want. So what else are you planning on doing? You think going on Howard Stern and having him ride your schvantz for an hour is going to cut it? No way, pal.

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Drag those old bones to some college in a swing state and host a roundtable of Palestinian and Israeli students. Be all empathetic and shit. Nod, take notes. Then, when they reach an impasse, lock the door, roll up your sleeves, and say, “Only one of us gets out of here alive.”

Why does it fall on me to tell you how to run a campaign?

You think elections are still about issues? You think Americans still have enough of an attention span to care about incredible job numbers, manufacturing growth, inflation compared to the rest of the world, the nuances of international diplomacy, or the other various accomplishments of your administration?

I’m a supporter of yours, Joe, and even I don’t know what those accomplishments are! And I don’t care! All I need to know is that you’re doing a better job than the guy who’s farting himself to sleep in court every day. All I need is for you to show me you’ve still got the passion and the moxie to finish the job.

Your team probably thinks they’re doing you a favor by giving Trump plenty of rope with his daily post-court pity parties. You think if you give him enough of that rope, he’s eventually going to pull an Epstein. Not going to happen. You need to get out there and kick the chair out from under him.

We just need to see you kicking ass, Joe. Wrestle a gator. Call Viktor Orban a pussy. Catch a baby falling from a window. (Obviously we’ll want to coordinate with the baby’s parents about exactly when to push the baby out of the window. We’re not savages.)

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The point is, your rival for the presidency is stuck in court and rather than taking advantage of that fact, you’re sitting at home like one of those weird Japanese gamer dudes who doesn’t go outside.

This is a golden opportunity and you’re blowing it, Joe! You think people are going to vote for you because you’re “decent” and “competent” and “doing a good job?” You think they’re going to choose you over the far more entertaining guy just because he’s a crook who promises to throw away the Constitution?

I hate to tell this to a man of your advanced years, but shit: Grow up!

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