Opinion: Michael Ian Black: Screw It, Let’s Hold the 2024 Election Tomorrow
I had to swallow a little vomit-bubble yesterday morning when I read the following headline from The New York Times: “Eyeing Trump but on the Fence: How Tuned-Out Voters Could Decide 2024.”
Tuned-out voters?
I know we’re still over five months from the presidential election, but if you haven’t made up your mind yet about these two candidates, I think you’ve sacrificed your right to vote. I’ll even take it a step further—if you’re still one of those “undecideds” to whom we entrust the future of our nation every four years, not only should you lose the right to vote, you should also lose the right to have opinions.
Michael Ian Black: If Trump’s Acquitted, He’ll Be an Unstoppable Terror
The Times piece profiled a 22-year-old Las Vegas valet who had this to say about the current race: “If you ask me right now what’s going on with, like, the presidential race, or the situation in Gaza or Ukraine or whatever, I don’t think I can answer.”
Thank you for your honesty, young man. You are now excused from voting duty.
What more information do people possibly need? We’re dealing with two octogenarians who have each been in the spotlight for close to 50 years. They are both among the best-known people in the country, and despite their surface similarities, they could not be more different in terms of ideology and disposition.
A quick example of their differences (in case any undecideds happen to be reading this): one of the candidates is a sexual assailant currently on trial for 34 felony counts while awaiting trial on an additional 54 felony counts. The other one likes ice cream. (There’s also a parasitic brain worm victim—whose own family has disavowed his campaign—currently polling at around 10 percent, if that gives you any indication about the state of things.)
Do we really have to spend the next half-year of our lives coddling these people? There may be those out there struggling with legitimate concerns over the economy, America’s geopolitical role, Biden’s handling of the war our putative ally Israel is currently waging, etc. This ain’t that. This is just people throwing up their shoulders and going, “I dunno.”
I get it. People are busy. They have jobs and lives and families. They may not be diligent consumers of the news. But at a certain point, you owe it to yourself to at least have some basic understanding of what the hell is going on in the world. If “the situation in Gaza and Ukraine” gets lumped in with “whatever,” maybe you should sit this one out.
Michael Ian Black: Trump Diapers Would Be a MAGA Phenomenon
Over in the U.K., the Brits have just called a snap election to settle the continued tenancy at 10 Downing Street of their current flailing prime minister. Can’t we do something similar? The Constitution doesn’t actually specify when elections are to be held, only saying that Congress is to decide the “Time of chusing [sic] the Electors, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes.”
Great—how about next Thursday?
Then, instead of spending interminable months chasing the dumbest of voters, the campaigns can instead devote that time to litigating the results, marching in the streets, and fomenting insurrection.
Seriously, what are we waiting for? Admittedly, either of these old men could fall over dead before November, but even if they do, so what? No matter who replaces either candidate, the choice we’re left with will be just as stark. At this point, we’re not even voting for candidates. We’re choosing between the traditional institutions of American life over some kind of Christian fever dream featuring Ayn Rand on drums.
But you’re undecided. What do you need? Do you need Trump to actually burn the Declaration of Independence before he loses your support? Do you need Biden to make fun of handicapped people to gain your trust? What is it you haven’t seen from these two candidates that will move the needle in the occluded ball of lunch meat you call a brain?
Michael Ian Black: Biden, Get Your Ass Out There and Make Some Headlines
Nobody’s saying you have to be well versed on the nuances of, say, capital gains tax policy, but are you saying you don’t have an opinion about whether or not you want a guy in office who promised to be a dictator, but only on the first day? The guy who said he’ll suspend the Constitution? The guy hearing closing arguments in the first of three criminal trials as I type these words? The guy whose own former secretary of State called him a “fucking moron?” You’re undecided about that guy?
Do yourself and the rest of us a favor, my undecided brothers and sisters: don’t worry about it. If, at this late date, you still haven’t figured out where you stand, take a seat. Relax. Let other people figure it out and don’t even feel bad. It’s not your fault. Be proud of the fact that you’ve made it this far in life without jamming a pencil into your brain.
To quote Bob Dylan during his 83rd birthday week, “You’re an idiot, babe. It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe.”
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