It’s Time for Men to Embrace Sex Toys—Even Though I Couldn’t
I am instantly uncomfortable.
I’m standing in the middle of a massive convention hall during the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, Nevada. After passing by flashy displays from the likes of Sony, Hyundai, and LG, I arrive at an exhibit for a device that somehow manages to stand out the most amongst some of the newest, most cutting-edge technology out there: the Handy, a machine that—to put it bluntly—jerks you off.
There seems to be dozens of Handy devices displayed on several tables. Each one looks like a cylindrical bluetooth speaker with a rubber sleeve moving (or, rather, stroking) in an up-and-down motion on its side. There’s no mistaking what it is, or what it’s meant for.
Blood rushes to my face and my cheeks glow red. As other people walk past the display, I feel a palpable surprise from everyone ranging from amusement to sheer terror. Some smile, laugh, and snap photos. Others grimly avert their eyes as if they just walked in on their parents having sex
Perhaps the only person around the Handy display who isn’t nervous is Jens Petter “JP” Wilhelmson, the CEO of Ohdoki, the startup behind the Handy. Wilhelmson describes the device with the kind of matter-of-fact enthusiasm that one might expect from a dad describing the specs of an old sports car.
“This is the Handy,” Wilhelmson told The Daily Beast, holding the device in his hands. “It’s a fully automated and interactive stroker for penis owners. Up to four-and-a-half-inches of stroke length. Up to 600 strokes a minute. One size fits all. No matter if you have a pen or a can, it fits.”
While the device can be used by itself, the Handy’s biggest selling point (besides from the obvious) is its full embrace of the internet of things. There’s an app users can download that allows them to control the speed and power of their Handy via Bluetooth. You can also go to a website to configure the device to remotely control it, or use it with a far away partner.
It also has the ability to sync with music or even videos both on your computer and in virtual reality. This is also known as haptic technology, or tech that allows you to “feel” things you see on screens and in VR/AR devices. Typically, this means devices like gloves that allow you to touch objects in a VR experience or vests that allow you to feel gunshots in video games. The Handy takes all of that to the next level. The Handy is haptics for the horny.
Ohdoki has an API for their device that allows content partners to integrate the Handy with their videos. So you could have an adult video that allows the Handy to mimic whatever the adult performer(s) does. Wilhelmson describes a virtual event Ohdoki put on in December 2023 where roughly 750 people used their Handy while a single “artist” controlled all their devices. “It must be like a world record number of guys being masturbated at the same time.”
He says it with a kind of pride one would expect from a business owner who just made a big sale: confident, honored, and unashamed. Meanwhile, I can’t help but feel my sweaty palms as I am hyper-aware that I am in the middle of this convention floor, with the whirring of actuators from the Handy devices around me, speaking to a man proudly holding his scandalous invention: a machine that jerks you off.
Sex Toy Stigma
The Handy is one of the newer devices in the fledgling world of sex tech. It’s also unique in that it’s one of the very few devices to cater to men and other penis owners. Of course, there’s a stigma with all sex toys—but there’s a bigger stigma around ones for men, especially heterosexual men.
In recent years, we’ve seen vibrators and penetrative sex toys marketed towards women sold in places like Target and Wal-Mart next to boxes of toothpaste. A cottage industry of so-called “passion parties” have risen where women can learn and purchase sex toys with their friends. There’s even a market for jewelry shaped like vibrators that one can wear in public proudly—and mostly no one will bat an eye.
“The toys for women have been around for a lot longer than they have for men, so they’ve been normalized to a greater extent,” Dr. Justin Lehmiller, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and host of the Sex and Psychology Podcast, told The Daily Beast. “But another part of the story is that sex toys for women have been marketed and sold as a tool of female empowerment.”
“Feminists co-opted sex toys as a symbol of liberation in the 1970s and 1980s,” Hallie Lieberman, a sex historian and author of Buzz: A Stimulating History of the Sex Toy, told The Daily Beast. “There’s less shame with women than with men.”
On the other hand, male sex toys are perceived as a sign of failure for heterosexual men, according to both Lieberman and Lehmiller. It signals to the world that they aren’t able to find partners to sleep with, so they must resort to using masturbation aids instead. That’s why things like sex dolls and fleshlights are still sold in seedy adult book stores or sketchy online shops instead of on the shelves of Target and Wal-Mart. It’s why there’s rarely discussions around male sex toys. It’s why I felt embarrassed to be around the Handy even though it was my job to be there.
The data seems to bear this out too. A 2013 study published in Sexuality & Culture found that roughly 90 percent of women reported to have used sex toys during masturbation and partnered sex. Meanwhile, a 2019 study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that just 35 percent of men have used sex toys to stimulate their penis, while 44 percent had used penetrative devices.
The data is even more heavily skewed along sexual orientation, with one 2011 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior reporting that nearly 79 percent of gay and bisexual-identifying men reported having used at least one type of sex toy in masturbation and partnered sex. Meanwhile, the 2019 study found that just 35 percent of heterosexual men have used a sex toy in masturbation and partnered sex.
The result is, of course, much less toy offerings for those with penises—and there’s a deeper, more negative impact beyond that.
“When sex toys for men are stigmatized, the impact of that is that they’re more reluctant to explore them,” Lehmiller explained. “They might feel more shame, guilt, or embarrassment when purchasing or using these toys—and that means they might miss out on the benefits.”
Sex toys are also great for “exploring your body and uncovering new and different sources of pleasure and figuring out what it is that you enjoy,” he said. They can add novelty and excitement to a relationship. They can also help address or deal with certain types of sexual difficulties and limitations—especially if you have a disability.
“There are all kinds of ways that sex toys can benefit us,” Lehmiller said. “So the more stigma there is against them, the more we miss out on those benefits.”
“The more you put sexuality in the dark, the more we make it non-socially acceptable,” Lieberman said. “It creates shame. It creates feelings that your sexual desires are weird or you need to hide them. It could worsen psychological issues surrounding sexuality.”
Lend Me a Handy
I certainly am not immune to the bias and attitudes that Lehmiller describes. I’m from the Midwest. I went to Catholic school. I can’t help it.
That’s why it took me months after CES and in the literal last week of my job as the tech editor at The Daily Beast to write a single word of this article.
That’s also why when Ohkodi sent me a sample Handy to test out myself, it sat on my dining room table for weeks.
I saw it when I ate my meals. I saw it when I came back from running errands. I saw it when I worked from home, typing stories on my laptop right next to it and trying to ignore its heavy presence. Sometimes I could almost hear its actuators whirring in the box, like my own personal tell-tale heart in the form of a machine that jerks you off.
Finally, one day, I opened the box. Inside, the device sat in a sleek black package. After plugging it in, I watched it turn on and the rubber sleeve moved (or, rather, stroked) up and down. It felt funny to hold. Not as scary as I thought. I remembered what Lieberman and Lehmiller said about shame—and how important it was that we don’t feel guilt about our sexuality.
“If we shifted our worldview away from looking at sex toys through this lens of being a threat, where it's like a substitute or replacement, and looked at it as an enhancement to a healthy sex life, that would help to go a long way toward reducing some of that stigma,” Lehmiller said.
Our technology is always a reflection of our culture. Every device and development tells you where we are, where we’re going, and what we care about in the world. So what does the Handy tell us about our future?
I don’t know—but I know what I hope. I hope that it means that there’s a world where all human sexuality is less stigmatized. I hope it means a world where I can confidently walk onto the floor of CES, see a display filled with machines that jerk you off, and not bat an eye. I hope it means that those that both want and need a machine like the Handy can walk into a Target or Wal-Mart and buy it along with a box of toothpaste.
“Even though there is a stigma, there are people out there who are creating sex toys for straight men,” Lieberman said. “And it just takes men coming out and being open about using them.”
For now, I turned off the Handy. I put it back into its box. I put that box in my office where it is now gathering dust on the floor next to an old laptop and a stack of newspapers. The day may never ever come when I use it—but, if it does, well, I guess I will too.
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