Which Video Game Merchants Would Sell Good Weed?
Wandering merchants, shopkeepers, and dudes sitting on blankets are some of the most colorful NPCs you’ll meet in any video game. It’s always a joy stumbling into a new town or village on your journey and seeing which spots are peddling wares for coin or trade. And what makes a quality in-game merchant isn’t too different from what makes a quality weed dealer: They need to have a great product and great vibes. Or just one of those if you’re desperate enough.
What if our favorite in-game merchants crossed over into our world? What if these same merchants had kush, bud, and pot as powerful as any upgrade? Which one of these eccentric weirdos could really level up your weed smoking powers and who would you seek out on your reefer journey?
Read more
It’s 420 ya’ll and we’re here to breakdown which video game merchants have the dankest kush in all the lands and would maybe smoke you up after a purchase. From the Nine Realms of God of War to the deserts of Hyrule, here are the best merchants to sell you gear and get you high.
The Huldra Brothers (Brok and Sindri) from God of War
The bickering dwarven brothers Brok and Sindri are a one stop shop for gear, upgrades and more in God of War and God of War: Ragnarok. Brok is blue, crass, hilarious, and perfectly balanced by his brother Sindri, a skittish germaphobe and a really, really, really sweet dude. Throughout both games the duo follows Kratos and company across the nine realms with a fully equipped shop, ready to outfit you with the most powerful gear.
The Huldra Brothers are about consistency. They’ve expanded their franchise at an alarmingly mystical rate. It seems like on every corner, in every city, there’s a Huldra Brothers. The dwarven duo also like to do everything in-house, meaning that they grow their own product. In God of War it’s the team’s competitive nature that ultimately brings your Leviathan Axe to the most powerful level, and it’s that same competitive spirit that makes their weed so good. Brok and Sindri are business partners as well as competitors, always trying to outdo the other one and we, potheads, get to reap the dank rewards.
Now stepping into a Huldra Brothers weed shop is always intimidating. The two are constantly arguing and Sindri basically follows you around the shop with hand sanitizer. That being said, they’ve been in the game for thousands of years, no one knows more about the science and business of bud than these two bros. Also, if you laugh at Brok’s jokes he usually throws in an extra nug for free.
Xur from Destiny and Destiny 2
In Destiny 2 almost every NPC is a part-time merchant. You’ll spend your time between missions in the game’s hub area, The Tower, collecting bounties and trading one of its three thousand different currencies for gear. Though if you’re looking for the best, rarest loot in the game you have to go find Xur, who’s in a different spot every week. Now, that certainly sounds like a drug dealer, doesn’t it?
Xur’s gear is the best and his weed is even better. Xur grabs the best kush from all around the galaxy. We’re talking crazy stuff like Ace of Blaze, Doperunner, and Gjallahorn (not to be confused with the rocket launcher of the same name). It can be annoying that from week to week he rarely has the same stuff in stock, but he never, ever has mids, either. Only downside to Xur’s mind altering weed is: It’ll cost you. Inflation is high but so are you.
Xur’s product is good quality but his vibes are not. First of all this dude is only available on the weekends. Second, you can NEVER find him. He doesn’t have a phone and he’s just in random places every weekend. You have to either ask a friend if they’ve seen him or use this stupid website. He also looks like he’s up to some shady stuff. A cloaked figure with glowing white eyes and tendrils for a face always stands out, so be sure to pick up and get out quickly.
Drebin 893 from Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Drebin 893 is Solid Snake’s weapons merchant and a part of a larger group of underground gun launderers known as “Drebin.” He also has a pet hairless monkey named Little Gray. Like any good Metal Gear Solid character, Drebin 893 has mysterious allegiances and a complicated back story. Formally a child soldier, he would later become an agent of the shadow organization, The Patriots. He also enjoys practicing magic tricks and drinking copious amounts of narc soda, an ironic name for a soft drink given his current line of work. Drebin 893 makes it easy for Snake to upgrade his arsenal by allowing the genetically geriatric soldier access to his entire inventory from the pause menu.
That same convenience applies to how you buy weed from him. From the pause menu that is your cell phone you can access his massive stock of flower, tinctures, edibles, and more! Delivered right to your home, no fuss, no questions asked. Seriously, don’t ask any questions because we have no idea where he gets this stuff. There’s no branding and the products with barcodes or serial numbers are scraped off. It looks like guns aren’t the only thing he launders.
We know what you’re thinking, “How do I smoke weed with Little Gray?” Drebin 893 is always on the road but his ride isn’t exactly incognito. Be on the lookout for a giant, tank-like truck with the problematic logo written on the side: “Eye Have You.”
Harv from Animal Crossing
Harvey, or as he likes to be referred to now, Harv, has his very own island in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. On Harv’s island, you can go to his home which doubles as a photography studio. Harvey is your stereotypical hippie that is also a dog. He’s good vibes, vegan, keeps it chill, and practices tai chi outside his home on sunny days.
A unique thing about Harv being on this list is that he’s not really a “merchant” per se. He offers his studio to you for free, because he’s cool like that. Since Harv isn’t really a merchant, he’s not really a dealer either…but he’s always down to spare a nug if you’re in a pinch. No bells required, he just asks that you chill and smoke with him because he’s NOT a dealer, he’s a friend. Also there’s a rumor around the island that he has a massive greenhouse under his studio.
We couldn’t in good conscience not add Harv to this list because…have you seen him? Looks like the guy practically invented weed.
Master Librarian from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Within the walls of Dracula’s castle there is the Long Library, and its keeper is the Master Librarian. The Master Librarian remains loyal to Dracula but will provide Alucard access to his collection of rare and powerful wares. It appears the two have a familial relationship and that the Master Librarian wants to help Alucard despite going against Dracula’s wishes.
Master Librarian seems like a sleepy old dude who can smoke an unholy amount of weed without ever getting too blazed. He’s perma-high, and reading what is sure to be the spookiest collection of books ever assembled. He’s your dad’s cool work friend who won’t tattle on you for smoking weed as long as you include him in the rotation every once and while.
If you’re not the son of Dracula, using the Master Librarian as your connect could be tough. Dracula’s castle is quite the labyrinth and can even teleport to different locations. It’s also been known to flip upside down on occasion. Despite being a challenge to get to…he really does have some amazing herb as well as a fine collection of antique pipes and bongs.
Kara Kara Bazaar from The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
The Kara Kara Bazaar is a woman-owned shop in the Gerudo Desert on the trail to Gerudo Town proper. This Bazaar is in a great location, near one of the only, albeit tiny, bodies of water in the desert. It’s the perfect pitstop on your way to Gerudo Town, unless of course you’re a Voe (a man) in which case this is your final stop because men are not allowed within the town’s walls.
The Kara Kara Bazaar has plenty to offer the sun-soaked traveler. It doubles as an inn as well as a mercantile and has a staff of Gerudo warrior women who…depending on who you are or what you’re wearing can be pleasant or coldly neutral.
The Bazaar’s access to water grants them the ability to grow some crazy desert hash. So if you’re looking to get a little high and chill near an oasis surrounded by palm trees, Kara Kara Bazaar is the spot for you.
The Merchant from Resident Evil 4
One of the most iconic characters in video game history is the Merchant from Resident Evil 4. Leon S. Kennedy’s main man for guns, items, and of course green herb, The Merchant may look spooky and mysterious, but he truly means no harm. He just wants to know “whaddya buyin” or “whaddya sellin?”
What exactly is the Merchant selling? That Las Plagas weed, brother. That stuff that’ll get your head empty, brother. That zombie moaning, walking dead high, brother. In addition to green herb he also sells red and yellow herb. You don’t want to even know what happens when you mix all three (yes you do).
The thing about the Merchant that really makes him an excellent weed dealer is the fact that he comes to you. Whether you like it or not. He’s always one step ahead of you like the dealer that shoots you a text right before you’re out of bud. He just knows. To some that may seem creepy but remember, the guy seems relatively harmless. He’s not one of those friendly characters that turns out to actually be evil. He has awful vibes, but good intentions.
Guardian of Metal from Brutal Legend
The Guardian of Metal, the keeper of timeless secrets, is portrayed by the Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne. The Guardian of Metal shares the secrets of the titans with Eddie Riggs in Brutal Legend, action-adventure RTS game by Double Fine, so that he can upgrade his weapons and hot rod, aka The Deuce.
Now this dude for sure has weed, but is a bit of a burn out. He doesn’t keep numbers in his phone, he never remembers who you are. You always have to meet him at his place, which is underground in the fiery depths of the underworld. He’s from a different time, and he always seems to be playing the same Black Sabbath record every time you come through. The good thing is: He always smokes you up and he has great stories to tell. Secrets and tales about the titans and the primordial creation of music. It’s trippy.
His weed is pretty good, though not as strong as you’d assume coming from an ageless ethereal rock god liaison. It’s honestly a little stemmy, but you’re mostly there for the hangs anyway.
Bean Seller from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask
The humble Bean Seller. We love him. This man is responsible for selling Link “magic beans.” When planted, these beans grow into leaves that can levitate Link into high, hard to reach areas. At least that’s what the Bean Seller tells the feds. “Magic beans?” That’s obviously code.
The Bean Seller usually has great vibes. He’s always got the munchies and is constantly eating out of a mysterious bag. His prices are great, it’s only ten rupees for a “magic bean.” The beans themselves? Let’s just say you’ll be levitating up towards hard to reach places after puffin on these bad boys. The only downside is, the Bean Seller is paranoid. He uses code words because he’s terrified of getting busted by that fascist princess and her royal guard. Listen, we all know she’s chill and better than Ganondorf, but we play along because yes: The magic beans are just THAT good.
Charon from Hades
The ancient boatman of the river Styx, Charon is responsible for transporting souls to the underworld. In the world of Hades, he’s Zagreus’s shopkeeper and supplier of items and Godly boons. Charon doesn’t work for free. If you want the goods you’ll need to pay him in obols (an ancient greek currency), and lots of them.
Since Charon is keeper and distributor of the powers of the Gods, he also has that Godly chronic. It’s the highest caliber of bud on this list. It’s that Mount Olympus Sativa and that Underworld Indica. You know he’s moving weight on the side as he ferries souls to and from.
The catch is: You have to die to get access to this dope. Them’s the breaks. But there’s no better person to go on a blunt cruise with than Charon, he’s a really good listener…since he doesn’t really speak.
More from Kotaku
Sign up for Kotaku's Newsletter. For the latest news, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
