Here's a simple way to build a strong parent-child relationship

Daniel Wong is a learning and teen expert, and is also the best-selling author of “The Happy Student”. He offers 1-to-1 programmes to help students attain exam excellence while also finding happiness and fulfillment, and to empower parents to motivate their unmotivated teenagers. Download his FREE e-book, “16 Keys To Motivating Your Teenager”. The views expressed are his own.

Do you feel like a broken record sometimes?

Over and over, you ask your children to clear their room. Or do their homework. Or get dressed. Or stop playing computer games.

But they just don’t listen.

You’re confused and frustrated. You don’t know what other approach to try.

After speaking to and working with almost 15,000 students so far, I realise what the root cause of children not listening to their parents is.

Children often feel like their parents don’t listen to them in the first place.

“Huh? What do you mean?” I hear you say.

Let me explain.

Ninety per cent of the students I work with complain that their parents don’t actually listen to them. Many parents ask questions and engage in conversation, but they frequently use their children’s responses as a launching pad to tell their children what they’re doing wrong with their life.

Maybe they haven’t taken responsibility for their education, or they’re not working hard enough, or they’re hanging out with bad company. While all this may be true, nobody wants to be lectured at daily.

I’m not saying you should ignore bad behaviour. But I am saying that nagging and criticising your children won’t solve the problem.

I know students who have completely stopped talking to their parents, because they feel like all their parents ever do is either nag or lecture.

So what’s the simple way to build a strong relationship with your children? Listen to them. Really listen.

This is harder to do than you might initially assume, so here are five pointers to help you become a better listener:

1. Refrain from making assumptions or jumping to conclusions.

Child: “I’m going out with my friends this afternoon.”

Parent: “Who are you going out with? The friends that I told you are a bad influence on you, right?”

Conversations like this play out in millions of homes around the world, every single day. The result is the same: an annoyed child and a frustrated parent.

When parents assume the worst about their children, it causes unnecessary tension. Assume the best about your children, and they’ll start to live up to the good name you’ve given them.

2. When your children talk to you, put away all distractions.

These distractions include the newspaper, your phone, tablet, or any other electronic device. This act signals to your children that they matter enough for you to give them your full attention.

Strong relationships are characterised by mutual respect, so I encourage you to show your children basic courtesies.

Furthermore, when you pay full attention to what your children are saying, you’ll better understand how they feel, and why they feel the way they do. This will further bolster the relationship.

3. Refrain from interrupting your children when they’re speaking.

Child: “I got a ‘B’ for the science test I took last we–”

Parent: “I thought you were confident that you were going to get an ‘A’?”

Child: “Yeah, but I made some careless–”

Parent: “You’re always making careless mistakes. Why can’t you focus?”

It’s obvious why these exchanges are damaging to the parent-child relationship. Not only that, it’s also rude to interrupt others when they’re talking.

Children who continually get interrupted by their parents feel less inclined to share their problems in the future. This can lead to a breakdown in communication.

4. Ask for your children’s opinion.

I encourage you to ask for your children’s opinion on current affairs. For example, if the government implements a new policy, ask them what they think the rationale behind it is. Or if a conflict arises between two organisations, ask your children what they believe to be the root cause.

Asking for your children’s opinion helps them to think about real-world issues. It will also demonstrate to them that you care about their views.

Children respond well if you share about issues you face at work, and ask how they would deal with the situation. They might even come up with an innovative solution to your problem!

5. If your children don’t feel like talking, reassure them that you’re always available to listen.

On occasion, your children won’t be in the mood to talk. They might have had an argument with their friend, or they might have been reprimanded by their teacher.

Whatever the case, it isn’t always possible to force your children to open up.

If they’re upset about something, let them know that you’re always there to listen, whether it’s a day or a week later. This gives them a sense of security, and reminds them of your unconditional love.

The bottom line

It’s hard to be a good listener. It’s even harder when you’re trying to be a good listener to your children, especially when they anger or frustrate you.

But developing strong relationships – whether in your professional or personal life – has never been easy. That’s precisely what makes it a meaningful and rewarding endeavour.

So let’s listen to our children, and in the process build families filled with love, kindness and respect.