5 ways to pass off as a cartoon vampire
I’m not sure if you’ve tried typing the words “How to become a v…” in the Google search field, but at one point some months ago I was amused to find that the top search was “How to become a vampire”. (The current top search is “How to become rich”.)
I’m not quite sure what those methods involve, but far from having to bathe in moonlight or do anything occult, here are five simple tips I’ve picked up from Count Dracula (voiced by Adam Sandler) in Hotel Transylvania and Hotel Transylvania 2.
1. Leap off from a raised surface and flap your arms at the same time. (By “raised surface” I mean like, a sofa or a bed, not a high-rise building or a precipice, OK?)
Count Drac believes that all Dennis needs is a good scare to bring his fangs out. Photo credit: Sony Pictures
To bring out the vampire in his half-human grandson Dennis, Count Dracula does everything he can – including throwing him off a rickety tower – to scare the fangs out of him. A “late fanger” himself, Drac’s own dad did the same to him when he was five years old. When Drac’s methods fail, a disappointed Dennis practises alone by jumping off a stack of books and flailing his arms.
If your friends and family ask what you’re doing, you can cry out in anguish: “There’s no shame in being in late fanger!”
If you do try this at home, please make sure that you take precautions, such as spreading mattresses to cushion your fall or using your legs to land.
2. Only come out of the house at night.
The Drac Pack always travels in a stylish hearse. Photo credit: Sony Pictures
Should you need to go out and about in the day, make a big deal out of having to apply sunblock liberally on every exposed inch of your skin. Put on a wide-brimmed hat and carry an umbrella. If a patch of sunlight should fall on you, put on a pained expression and ask for a cold compress for your “burn”.
3. Casually add 100 years to your actual age.
Dennis’ mother and grandpa would never grow old, not even in Hotel Transylvania 5. Credit: Sony Pictures
Vampires live forever. (Unless you drive a stake through their hearts, in which case, anyone would die.) In the big scheme of things, a hundred years is a speck in the ocean of time. That’s why when Mavis (voiced by Selena Gomez) celebrated her 118th birthday in Hotel Transylvania (2012), it was a coming-of-age party. That’s why Johnny, then her human squeeze, had to pretend that he was 121. And that’s why you should totally find a chance to say: “Do you think I was born yesterday? I’m not 83.”
4. Insist that you have a “Vampa” in Transylvania.
An actual region in Romania and the birthplace of Vlad The Impaler, who inspired Irish writer Bram Stoker’s Gothic tale, there is nowhere more suitable for your Vampa to live.
Hunyad Castle in Transylvania, Romania. Photo credit: www.reddit.com
In fact, this castle looks suspiciously similar to Hotel Transylvania in the animated feature films.
Read real fake reviews of Hotel Transylvania on Tripadvisor.com! Photo credit: Tripadvisor.com
What’s a Vampa you ask? Why, a vampire godpa of course!
5. Never be seen without a red drink.
As long as it’s red, no one can tell “the difference”. Photo credit: Getty Image from dailymail.co.uk
At a coffee shop, order rose syrup or Ribena. If fresh fruit juice is available, order watermelon or better yet, anything with beetroot in it. At a restaurant, always ask for a glass of red wine – never white, even if you’re eating seafood. On the plane, ask for tomato juice (it’s been proven that tomato juice actually tastes better at high altitudes, but that’s beside the point).
If your companion asks why, tell him that it’s because you need to drink an alternative blood substitute, since you’ve long finished the cartons of Near Blood and Blood Beaters your Vampa sent you. To borrow a line from Drac: “You can’t tell the difference.”
Adam Sandler, Selena Gomez, Kevin James, Steve Buscemi, Keegan-Michael Key, Molly Shannon and Fran Drescher lend their talented voices to Hotel Transylvania 2. Poster credit: Sony Pictures
Apparently, you’ll be annoying instead of scaring the living daylights out of the people around you. To find out more about what a cartoon vampire does, catch Hotel Transylvania 2 in cinemas now.
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