5 Ways to Support Your Life Partner Through Breast Cancer

When breast cancer strikes our loved one, it is not just an individual affair. It becomes a family journey and husbands may find themselves in the difficult position of supporting their life partner while managing their own distress. While there are no definite rules on how one can best support their spouse, in my work as a medical social worker, I have found there are several commonalities for more successful coping. Here are some tips on how you can support your loved one and yourself through these trying times.

Ways a husband can support his wife with breast cancer

Be present

Nothing says "I'm here for you" more than being there with her for doctor's appointments. Constance* was upset with having to explain to her husband Daniel what her doctor said. "I'm tired of having to repeat everything. He would know if he came with me. I know he has to work, but he should at least say he’d wish to come. It's like he doesn’t care about me anymore."

Accompanying her to her appointments not only tells her that you care, but also gives you the opportunity to be updated on her condition. Discuss possible questions/unresolved concerns both of you may have before the consultation, and create a list of questions to bring to the doctor's office.

Related article: 5 treatment options for breast cancer in Singapore

Communicate with each other

Very often, in our attempts to reassure our loved one, we may say well-intentioned words like "Don't worry, everything will be fine". However, that may be counterproductive. Constance fumed and clammed up after her husband told her just that. "When Daniel said that, I did not want to say anything anymore. I know he was trying to comfort me, but the words felt so empty. How would he know that it will be fine? Can he cure cancer? I just wanted to talk about my concerns and the way he said it, it just felt very dismissive."

Husbands may better support their wives by providing a listening ear, starting with a simple "Tell me more" or "What can I do to make things a little better?"

On the emotional front, it can also be very difficult for men to talk about feelings because most men have a limited network that allows them to confide their worst fears. In a counseling session, Daniel finally opened up and shared his deepest fears. "What if she dies? How will I take care of the kids? It scares me… the thought of losing her."

Having these feelings is normal. As a husband, you can admit your fears and, at the same time, sincerely reassure your loved one that she is not alone in her journey because both of you will get through it together. This can help anchor emotional security which will be helpful in recovery.

Related article: 4 tips on coping with emotional distress after being diagnosed with a serious condition

Prep yourself

One of the important things that husbands can do after the diagnosis is to quickly educate themselves about cancer. There are hundreds of useful websites to source for background information. Checking with her doctors would help you gain more accurate insights that are specific to her condition. You can also obtain more information on breast cancer treatment at the treatment center that your loved one attends.

If your wife is undergoing a mastectomy, with or without reconstruction, you may want to go online or consult with her doctor privately to check out how it is going to look like after the operation. Preparing yourself may reduce the shock of seeing the wound for the first time, thus decreasing the likelihood of making a face that can be easily misinterpreted as rejection.

Set the mood for love

Physical intimacy is an important component in a marriage. Women with breast cancer, especially those who underwent mastectomy, may feel very insecure about their femininity and/or have low libido during treatment periods. It is not uncommon to hear breast cancer patients express fear their husband will leave because of how cancer has affected their intimacy.

Breast cancer does not mean that the sexual aspect of your relationship is doomed. If you are feeling in the mood, check with her how she feels. She may feel differently about her body after treatment. During sexual intimacy, encourage her to tell you what she is comfortable with and what she is not. It will show that you care for her and respect her body.

Communication is important. If her major erogenous zones prior to her illness were her breasts, having a mastectomy or even a lumpectomy can reduce arousal. Help and encourage her to explore different parts of her body to take the pressure off. If she is not ready for intimacy, a simple hug or a backrub can help maintain the connection, letting her know that it is alright and that you still love her.

Related article: 4 tips on improving cancer survival rates in elderly patients

Rest

It is impossible to do everything. You need a break too. Let her know and recharge by occasionally going out with your friends, or just veg out in front of the TV.

*Constance and Daniel are fictitious persons made from composites of experiences shared by breast cancer patients and their husbands.

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By Niki Goh Ying Rou, Medical Social Worker, Department of Psychosocial Oncology, National Cancer Centre Singapore (NCCS), a member of the SingHealth group for HealthXchange.com.sg.

Articles on HealthXchange.com.sg are meant for informational purposes only and cannot replace professional surgical, medical or health advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment.