7 things you should never say to a parent

Daniel Wong is a learning and personal development expert, as well as a certified youth counselor. A sought-after speaker and coach, he is also the best-selling author of "The Happy Student: 5 Steps to Academic Fulfillment and Success". He offers programmes to help students attain exam excellence while also finding happiness and fulfillment, and to empower parents to motivate their unmotivated teenagers. He writes regularly at www.daniel-wong.com. Download his FREE e-books, "The Unhappiness Manifesto: Do You Make These 150 Mistakes In The Pursuit Of Happiness?" and "Singapore Scholarship Guide: The $500,000 Decision". The views expressed are his own.

I have a confession to make.

I used to judge other parents.

Parents who allowed their kids to manipulate them. Parents who didn’t set clear boundaries for their kids. Parents who used smartphones and tablets as the go-to solution to pacify their kids.

I used to wonder why there were so many of these bad parents around.

“Such rookie mistakes they’re making,” I thought. I was sure that I’d do a better job as a parent in the future.

Then I became a parent myself. My perspective changed, and so did my life.

Is parenthood tougher than NS?

Parenthood is full of tender, beautiful and delightful moments. But when you’ve gone a month (or maybe a year, for some parents) without getting a good night’s sleep, and you’ve just changed your eighth dirty diaper of the day, and you feel like you’re falling sick… you begin to realise something.

Parenthood is tough.

It’s tougher than just about anything else I’ve gone through in life so far, including the countless missions and outfield exercises I endured during National Service (NS).

(Just to be clear, I’m not trying to say that NS isn’t challenging enough!)

When I experienced first-hand just how demanding parenthood is, I stopped doing something else: judging other parents.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think it’s good to always give in to your kids, or to continually turn to electronic devices to keep your kids quiet and entertained.

But now I’m a lot more sympathetic to parents who do.

I have many more years to go on this journey of parenthood, so I don’t claim to know exactly what it’s like further down the road. But based on my experiences so far, I do know that there are some things you should never say to parents—even if you’re one yourself—unless you want to cause annoyance, frustration or anger.

I’ve come up with a list of seven of these things.

I beg you: Please don’t say any of these to a parent, and try your best not to say it behind his or her back, either.

Parents everywhere, myself included, thank you in advance.

1. “Why is your child closer to your domestic worker than to you?”

I used to cringe whenever I saw children who were emotionally closer to their domestic worker than to their parents. I’d silently criticise the parents for not doing enough to build a strong relationship with their kids.

“How could these parents allow this to happen?” I wondered.

But now that I’m a parent, I understand the tremendous demands that parents today are faced with, and how difficult it can be to juggle these demands.

I recently spent four hours—from 10pm to 2am—trying to put my son to sleep, with no success. As you might imagine, the ordeal left me tired, frustrated and perplexed.

If someone had offered to take over the task from me, I would have—in my depleted emotional state—accepted right away.

No. Questions. Asked.

So although I don’t think it’s ideal for children to have a stronger bond with their domestic worker than with their parents, it’s understandable why this is frequently the case.

2. “You shouldn’t let your kids play games on the phone/tablet so much.”

The same thing applies to watching TV too.

When parents return home after a long, stressful day at work, it’s reasonable that they want some peace and quiet.

You’re probably aware that kids, in their natural state, aren’t usually quiet. So there’s a problem, and electronic devices provide a solution.

Not the best solution, but definitely an easy one.

If it’s employed infrequently, I doubt that there’ll be any long-term damage done. It’s better to have happy parents who let their kids use electronic devices once in a while, than to have grumpy parents who ban any such use.

3. “Your child is out of control!”

If a child is throwing a tantrum, it’s likely that the parent is enforcing a rule or boundary that’s intended for the child’s long-term good.

It’s strange to me how parents feel embarrassed or “lose face” when their kids throw a tantrum in public.

Onlookers shouldn’t give the parents a holier-than-thou look. Instead, they should support and encourage the parents to stay strong, even though it would be far easier to give in to the child.

4. “It only gets worse as the kids get older.”

This one usually comes from people who are much further along in the parenting journey.

Yes, it’s true that as your kids get older, you start worrying about things like illegal drug use, smoking, teenage rebellion and future career choice. So parenthood probably doesn’t get any easier just because your kids are more grown-up and independent.

But there’s no reason to discourage younger parents by saying something as negative and demoralising as “It only gets worse as the kids get older.”

5. “You look tired.”

This one is hard to resist, especially when the parent in question looks much worse than just “tired”.

The first time someone said this to me, I remember thinking: “Indeed, tiredness is what happens when you haven’t slept more than 5 hours a night in recent memory because you’ve been trying to take care of a little peeing-pooping-eating-sleeping machine of a baby.”

Exhausted parents don’t need to be reminded of their exhaustion!

6. “Are you starting to get back in shape yet?”

This one is frequently said to mums, but it applies to dads too.

I’ve always led an active lifestyle. So before I became a parent, I used to look at parents who were out of shape physically and wonder why they couldn’t just muster up a little bit of self-discipline to exercise a few times each week.

Now I understand why it’s not as simple as that.

As a parent, you have very little (it can feel like none at all) time to yourself. There are work, family and social obligations to fulfill. In addition, there’s almost always something you can do around the house to be helpful.

Oh yes, and then there are the kids to take care of too.

All of a sudden, exercise and leading a healthy lifestyle slip way down your list of priorities. For me, it’s taken every ounce of willpower to eat relatively healthily and to work out three times a week.

If I didn’t already enjoy exercise before I became a parent, it would have been nearly impossible for me to maintain these habits.

So please don’t make parents feel even more terrible about their physical appearance by asking them when they’re going to get back in shape.

If you’re concerned about their health, maybe you could offer to baby-sit a few times a week free-of-charge so that they’ll have time to exercise? :)

7. “When are you planning to have another child?”

When asked this question, most parents will be thinking: “We’re going to decide on that on our own, thank you. We don’t need you to be so ‘encouraging’.”

“When are you planning to have another child?” is a personal question that sounds almost as if the asker is seeking commitment and accountability. Even if this question is asked out of genuine concern, it rarely comes across this way.

So, as tempting as it might be, please refrain from posing this question to unsuspecting parents.

In closing…

To all of you non-parents out there, I hope I haven’t scared you by painting a terrifying picture of parenthood.

The challenging episodes occur daily, so please be kind to parents by not saying the seven things listed in this article.

As a parent, there are moments when you feel as though you’ve run out of patience. You doubt that you’ll be able to survive another sleepless night, and you wish that you hadn’t taken so many things for granted before you had kids.

But the good news is that the positives far outweigh the negatives.

The joy of watching your children as they sleep peacefully.

The heartwarming moment when they smile at you.

The pride you feel when they reach a new developmental milestone.

And countless other priceless experiences.

So let’s enjoy this tough but rewarding journey. Our kids are counting on us to show them how to face challenges with perseverance and strength—and with a smile too.

Parenthood is the perfect time to do just that. Let’s make full use of the opportunity.